Dream...

I had the strangest dream a few nights ago.

For some reason I faked my own death to get out of a marriage. I'm not sure who I was married to, but I know I lived in a large mansion. In fact, my service was held in the backyard because it was that big! In any case, I remember peeking out the window through the curtains and remember how happy I was seeing all the people I cared about there, but at the same time so sad because they were all very sad. And I remember feeling extra sad because I had lied to them. In any case, the dream goes on with me on some high speed chase, not sure the reason behind that, but I got into an accident and wound up in the hospital in critical condition. While lying there, fading in and out of consciousness, like a dream within a dream, she was there by my side, keeping watch. But when I woke up, I fully regained consciousness just in time to watch her walk off, with her fiance in tow. And this is her real life fiance, not just her fiance I conjured up in a dream.

All in all, I think it's a good dream. I think my subconscious has come to terms with the idea that she'll always be there in my life as someone close to me, but she is no longer (and yes I know, never was) mine. My conscious mind has already accepted that a while ago, but I guess when your subconscious agrees with your conscious mind, no matter how long the lag, it's never a bad thing.

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" - The Wizard of Oz

Recent Things on My To Do List:

• Win the lottery


• Invent device that will allow me to reach across the internet and smack people


• Develop anti-gravity


• Break the 1st law of thermodynamics


• Pick up some toothpaste and a new toothbrush

"Destiny - You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar

Sometimes You Can Make it On Your Own

Was having a chat with a friend yesterday over MSN. It started off about us talking about how we're both old and single, and led to this: ( in all it's unedited glory well except for the pretty colours):

[11:40:50 AM] eikachu©: it's like everything i do now is preparing for a single life
[11:41:02 AM] eikachu©: learning to just count on myself
[11:41:18 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: dependant before interdependance
[11:41:46 AM] eikachu©: but i know i like my dependence
[11:41:57 AM] eikachu©: and i don't know if i want to share my life
[11:42:18 AM] eikachu©: cause u know once u been single long enough...u develop ur own routines
[11:42:22 AM] eikachu©: and habits
[11:42:33 AM] eikachu©: and less tolerant to things
[11:42:54 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: but then you figure out who you are
[11:42:58 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: what you like, what you don't like
[11:43:10 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: that way, when you find someone, you won't want to change them
[11:43:32 AM] eikachu©: ur right...
[11:43:43 AM] eikachu©: i am figuring out who i am
[11:4:04 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: you shouldn't go into a relationship not knowing who you are
[11:44:11 AM] eikachu©: that is true
[11:44:15 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: because then if you find out who you are LATER when you're in a serious relationhsip....

It's ok when you're younger to get into relationships not knowing who you are. After all, it may help with the self-discovery process. However, I believe that if you have an oppurtunity to stand on your own two feet first without anyone helping you up, that's a much better time to start a relationship. That way, when you do find someone that catches your attention, they will be complimenting your life instead of supplementing your life. Well, that's how it should start anyway. I know well enough that sometimes, that someone you find, is that someone that completes you. But when it comes to matters of the heart, as well all know we bets are off. Anyway, this isn't a rule that should be followed to the letter. Some of the best relationships are found when you're lost and confused and you find someone that is your guiding light. But I think those are exceptions to the rule. Anyway, I'm just trying to say that if you know you need time to heal, if you know if you have issues to work out, if you know you have some home repairs to do... yah, you know what I'm trying to say.

"Loneliness - If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone, and yet you are alone. So very alone." - Quote from Demotivators

Swimming Through My Oceans

Just wanted to write a thank you the people who keep coming back to this mess called a blog and keep punishing yourselves by reading its contents. Thank you for bludgeoning through my thoughts, crawling through these words... I know I've been slacking recently, haven't been posting as much. But like I've said before, I can only write when inspired. I'm not one to bore you with the details of what I do day to day. Instead I bore you with what I think are thoughts I should put to writing. You guys deserve some sort of praise as most people wouldn't have made it past the first 3 sentences of this post. If you haven't yet noticed, I've added a cbox to my sidebar. Go ahead, spam away in there. Just remember I have the right to delete anything I find unfunny and uninformative, haha. Ok seriously, I'll just delete the shit that I find rude or of absolutely no value.

Ok, so you've made it this far. You are persistent aren't you? Here's you reward, a poem I wrote a looooong time ago for someone who was very dear to me:

Best Friends

Like the cool, refreshing summer rains,
I'll be there to ease your aches and pains.
Wipe away those bitter tears, I'm here to chase away your fears.
Like the bright and shining sun, I will be your number one.
There's never a need to run and hide,
For I will be there always, by your side.
Like a hard and protective shell,
I will shield you from this world's hell.
And our friendship shall ne'er grow cold,
For our friendship, high, I shall ever hold.
I know we'll be friends for life and after,
Sharing all our mem'ries and laughter.

And to my dearest friend I toast:
To our friendship evermore we drink,
In a sea of trouble we'll never drown,
For our friendship, is a ship that will never sink.

- Sunrise Seeker

"Friends pick us up when we fall, and if they cannot, they lie down beside us and listen for a while" - Anonymous

Keep Your Eye Off the Prize

Quite often people have a grand plan to do something but quite often never get around to it because they think that it's too far away so they never begin the journey. This has often come up in my life because people are asking me how to keep fit or lose weight. I tell them "Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first few small steps." Some people are too focused on the large goal to see the intermediate steps in between and get discouraged enough to not even take the steps. I know most of you already know this, but it begs reiteration: Larger goals are accomplished by setting smaller goals. Take the huge leap forward you want to make and break it down into smaller, "within sight, within reach", bunny hops. For example when I run 10K, I don't start the run by saying ok, "let's do this 10K!" I take a long run like that 1 kilometer at a time. Sometimes it's good to actually lose focus and just do something without thinking to much about it.

My quote for this entry is already in there. So yah, imma cheat this post and just say read the white bolded words in quotes.

Thanks to Everyone Involved in The Run

My thanks go out to everyone who either donated/sponsored, ran, or volunteered in this year's CIBC Run for the Cure. In my city of Edmonton, 11 329 people ran raising a total of $1.3 million. I think that is simply amazing! Special thanks goes out to the people who sponsored me. They made my run that much more successful. As for the run itself, I unfortunately did not attain my goal of under 19 minutes. It was freezing that day!!! I believe it was 1 degree or something like that so I blame that for my disappointing time of 20:09. My quads felt stiff for the first 4 minutes or so and yes, I did warm up, but for some reason they made us wait at the start line for 15 minutes or so. Ah well, despite my running time, I felt that the run was a huge success. Thanks again to everyone who participated in one way or another!

"You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails" - Machiavelli

Asking the Right Questions

I'm a firm believer in growing. I never want to stop growing. I like expanding my horizons, trying new things. I don't mean physical events like skydiving (which I still need to do) or eating new foods, I mean exploring different ways of thinking, different dogma, different situations. I believe that you should shake your foundations, ask yourself what you believe in and why. Ask yourself why you haven't done something you'd really like to do, list the reasons preventing you, and then start on ways of elminating those reasons. Self-discovery is a process that should end only in death (or perhaps when you're very very old). It's unfortunate, but most of us only explore our deep inner-selves only when we hit rock bottom. But that's understandable. Why ask a question when an answer is not required? I have to admit, I was that way. In fact, I do my deepest thinking when I'm lonely, or depressed. But I've learned to "think" even when I am not unhappy. The thing is, I've met people who don't seem interested in expanding themselves, even when all it takes is asking the right questions. On the other hand, I've met people who make me look at things in a new light. I've also met a few people who inspire me to ask the right questions. I've met even fewer people who I can discuss those questions with. Meeting someone who isn't afraid to broaden their horizons and helps me widen my own is extremely rare. I can say I have only met 2 people like that in my life. I hope all of you reading this have someone out there who makes you want to be a better person and helps you in some way of achieving it.

"Beauty - If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar.

Misunderstood

I know that there are people out there who don't like me because they think that I am trying to show off or out do them. If you read my blog, or know me, then you know I'm not about that. Of course I get a sense of accomplishment from achieveing, but it's because I want to win against myself, and do the best I can, not because I want to achieve over you or show how good I am at something. Don't get me wrong, there are times you just wanna show how good you are at something, because let's face it, I do have pride! But I try not to accumulate pride at the expense of others. I try and let my accomplishments speak for themselves. Another thing that people perceive incorrectly about me, is my tendency to be loud, obnoxious and do some crazy shit at times. It's not because I want to be the centre of attention, but it's because I want my friends to laugh and have a good time. I'm having a good time if all my friends are having a good time. I actually don't like being the centre of attention and can be quite anti-social at times. I call myself an outgoing introvert. Yah, try and figure that one out! My reason for trying to shine as bright as I can isn't to drown out your light, but to show you that you can shine just as bright.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

Immortality

How do we want to be remembered, if at all? Being a non-religious person of limited creativity, my mind fails to believe in the common definition of "afterlife". The afterlife to me, is the little pieces of yourself you leave behind in this world, the memories and emotions you imprint onto others. The sad but true fact is, that according to my definition, my afterlife won't survive past my great-grandchildren. Yup, they say that 3 generations is the most your memory will carry for. Is that why so many people seek fame? If not for the power, but then to be remembered past their children's children's sons and daughters? I guess that's why others seek religion, they can't stand the fact that memory will fade, they want to believe that the life they live down here, somehow, will amount to a good life up there. Well, I live the way I do because even though I may not explicitly be remembered by future generations, I want to be implicitly remembered at least through the way they live. I want my great-great-great-grandchildren to grow up being true to themselves and to not do what is popular, but do what they think is right, to test themselves and discover their strengths and weaknesses, to not settle, to use facts in decision making but to also know sometimes it's ok to think with your heart, to appreciate beauty in all its forms, that when it comes to friends, quality, and not quantity, is what matters, be honourable, to suffer short term pain for long term gain, to endure and persevere even when your world is falling apart, that sometimes all we have is our soul, our word, and our faith, to lead by example, that humility is a virtue and not a weakness, that it's ok to strive for and buy nice things as long as the purpose of having them is not to show off, to try not to be ignorant or arrogant, but sometimes the former can't be helped, and if that's the case, definitely do not be the the latter, to do unto others what they would have others do to them. And if someone should ask them why they live their life like that, I want them to answer: "Because that is how I was raised."

"To be remembered forever, that is the secret to immortality." - SunriseSeeker

Your support needed!! CIBC Run for the Cure

This will be my 2nd year participating in the CIBC Run for the Cure. I will be doing the 5KM run. For those unfamiliar with this event, it is a fund raiser for breast cancer and it is a Canada-wide run that will take place on the morning of Sunday October 2nd. Over 170 000 people participated in 2004. Last year I finished the run in 23 minutes or so. This year I am aiming for 18-19 minutes. My team name is My Legs Hurt, so far we have 10 members. There's also a 1KM walk for those that think 5KM is too much for them. If you are in the Edmonton area, and are interested in dong the run/walk and would like to join a team, please contact me by leaving me a comment and I will let you know the details on how to join. If you like to support the cause but are unable to participate, you can always sponsor me!! =) You can even donate online. It's quick, easy and secure! You can pay by VISA, MasterCard or American Express. Within 20 minutes, you will receive a taxreceipt for any donation that has been successfully received.

To donate click here https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/p.asp?t=1214535&l=1 (it's a secure site).

For more information you can follow these links www.cbcf.org www.cibcrunforthecure.com

Thanks to all those who donate, not just from me, but from the millions who are affected by cancer!

Hidden Voice

Rest in Pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine

You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I am in your reach
You held me in your hands

- Saliva

"The only way to overcome temptation is to give in to it" - Oscar Wilde

In/Sanity

I went to a wedding just this past Sunday. On the front of the program was the theme "Today I marry my Best Friend". The couple was the perfect emobdiment of the phrase. It inspired me to make a short and impromptu toast to the bride and groom. In that toast, I used the quote "Love isn't one soul finding another, but half of one soul finding it's other half." I guess that the whole best friend/soul mate thing is exactly what I was talking about in my previous post. Marrying a best friend I think would be ideal. The toughest thing is, finding that someone, but then through some force of nature or fate or curse, losing them. I'm still in recovery, last Sunday taught me that, in one way or another.

"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." - May Sarton

Two Birds with One Blog

I wrote this as a comment on http://iknowpi.blogspot.com/.

It looks like you see the world in a different set of eyes than others do. I always have, since I was very young, and I knew I was different. A lot of times it was more of a burden than a blessing, as I realized (the hard way) that not everybody in this world is ready to change their perspective on life, or ready to try something new, or even ready to listen to what you have to say. I think that's why we're anti-social at times. We feel trapped by our own thoughts. I'm 29 now, and only 1 or 2 ppl on this earth truly know all of me, the real me. It is such a relief though to find someone else who you can communicate with, I mean truly talk to, without holding back or even "thinking" about what you're going to say before you say it; just being able to speak what's on your mind without wondering what they're going to think of you. I guess that's why we choose to blog, although it's a bit more refined than conversation, it allows us to speak our mind to whoever wants to listen, and hopefully, someone, will truly understand what we're trying to say.

I want that kind of freedom, that freedom of thought, freedom of not worrying about what the people I care about think of me. It's not like I live life not experessing myself, and it's not like I watch what I say all the time for fear of people disliking me. I've always had the mentality of "To know me is to love me, or perhaps to hate me. Anyway, here I am, take it or leave it." I am living my life so that the only people who can hurt me, and therefore who's opinions matter to me, are the ones I care about. And as expressive as I am, as open as I am, they still don't know all of who I am. My close friends know "enough" of me to know who the core "me" is, but I can only think of 2 people who know pretty much all the layers to this onion. I think that's why I've been single for so long. My friends say I'm picky, but really I'm not. I just want to find that chemistry with someone whom I can open the doors to my mind and let things fly freely. Where I can be as silly or as serious as I want to be and know that they are on the same page, even the same sentence as I am. I'm getting old, and my clock is ticking, but I won't, I CAN'T SETTLE, for anything less.

I then wrote this as a response to something else that person wrote (edited for clarity and spelling):

Some people cannot see too far outside their own skin, cannot even see far enough inside themselves to truly see what is going on in there. We live in a society where it seems like it is more important to drive an Escalade or wear Burberry than it is to discover why we have emptiness inside us. Instead people try to fill up the void with material goods. But like I've said in earlier entries, that's not the correct way of doing things. You need to put out the fire by attacking the base, and not just by spraying at the flames. What they don't realize is that the void will just keep sucking things up and remain a void. You need to analyze why it is there in the first place and not just try to fill it with material things.

2 birds down, a few hundred more to go...

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." - Henry David Thoreau

Ready, But Unwilling

Why is it that even though I can plainly see the trap, I still venture towards it? Perhaps it's the reward on the other side should I make it past the trap that is so luring? But what if that reward itself is just an illusion, an illusion that leads me back to what I've been trying to avoid? The blurring of the outcomes is causing me to not move at all. I hate this, hate being stuck in a moment. I still don't know how you got so close after I tried so hard not to let you in. Like an addict that wants to quit but just can't, the taste of the high still fresh... I want to quit, GOD DAMN it I want to, but the high is so good, so right...

I need sleep...

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Yah I've been on hiatus for the last little while... I've run out of thoughts, feelings and words. 2 recent events have drained what's left of my will. Someone ran a red light 2 weeks ago and smashed my car. My company went on strike, and I am in the middle because I don't like the union I am in (but I have no choice but to be a member of) and the company the union is striking against has done some pretty dumb things. I don't want to cross the picket line but at the same time funds are running low. And I am not going to picket because I do not believe in the cause. But yah, 2005 continues to try and kill me (everywhich way besides physically). Sometimes I wish that it would just finish the job. My friends keep saying, "don't worry, that just means next year will be better!". You know, I've learned that life just doesn't work that way. You can't win 'em all, but you sure can lose 'em all. It's not like I'm a quitter, but how many times can you get back up after being smacked down so many times in a row? I know, I know, victory is getting up one more time then you fall down. I can't remember which great person said that, but sometimes you should stay down for the whole 10 count instead of getting back up and getting the shit kicked out of you right? Now before you say a quitter never wins, I gotta say that it takes a smart person to know when to quit. Hey, wait, I feel inspiration coming on...

Objects in Mirror are Deader Than They Appear

Out of breath
Out of words
I scream
but I don't want to be heard.

Out of pain.
Out of tears.
I'm numb,
worn down from the years.

Out of strength.
Out of spirit.
I can't anymore,
just grin and bear it.

Out of soul.
Out of mind.
Life's cruel,
but I'll try and stay kind.

- Sunrise Seeker

Yup, that just came off the top of head in about 10 minutes. The title? I may look alive, but sometimes having a pulse and breath doesn't make me feel alive.

"Whatever doesn't kill you postpones the inevitable." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar.

Chrysalis

It feels good to get over someone. To not feel that pain when someone mentions their name. To know it not only in your head, but in your heart that you are NOT going to be together. The process of building that shell around your heart, to block out the pain so you can heal, then to finally crack that shell so that the new you can breathe again, is a rewarding process. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel that I am definitely making progress. With each passing day I am closer to the top of this deep hole. I'm blindly climbing my way to the top. I'm happy that each step of the way I have friends who willing to help boost me, even a little bit helps. Thanks for the support everyone. I just hope I don't have a relapse...

This quote is one that summarizes my friendship with my close friends:

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker

Darkness in the Light.

I did a 10K run today. It was a run to support cancer research. I've never done a real 10K run before. I mean, I've ran 10K, but not in a race setting. My goal entering the race was to finish in under 50 minutes. Mission accomplished! I finished in 48:26. I know I can actually finish it faster since I paced myself wrong. Maybe around 45 minutes or so. I'm quite proud of myself.

Now on a different, but related subject.

These little accomplishments of mine seem like only half victories to me. Without anyone one in my life to share them with, after the moment passes, after the adrenaline fades, after the rush is gone, I look around, alone in a crowd; the successes in my life seem hollow. Now I know what some of you are going to say, something along the lines of "you should be happy by yourself", "you should love yourself first before you can love anyone else". Yes, I realize that. But this isn't really about that. This is about wanting someone there to share my joys, my laughter, my proud moments, along with my sadness, my tears, and my not so proud moments with me. I afraid to say that at this moment, that that someone is still her. I really wish it wasn't. In my head, at least, I wish it really wasn't... but alas my heart is the greatest antogonist to my sanity. UGGGHHH, I dunno. Maybe I've just attended too many weddings in the last 2 years (5 last year and 5 this year, and at LEAST 2 more next year) and have heard too many toasts to the newlyweds by too many BestMen and Maids of Honour.

I'm scared. And with each passing year, the fear grows: I don't want to die alone.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis

There Will Come a Time

There will come a time,
when I won't miss you so much;
there will come a time,
when I won't need to feel your touch.

There will be a time
that when I hear you speak,
my hands won't tremble so
and my knees won't be this weak.

The day will come I know,
when I'll be back to content.
That day will come I hope,
when I won't think we're meant

to be with one another,
and that it wasn't fate
which introduced us to each other
that unforgettable date.

There will come one morning,
when I wake up in my bed,
I look forward to that morning,
when the first thought in my head

is not of how I think
that we're two halves of a one.
I've got to stop believing
that without you I'm undone.

For that time will come
when my heart is not confined,
and that day will come
when you're no longer on my mind.

- Sunrise Seeker

What They Don't Know CAN Hurt Them

I've been reading over my blog, and I almost sound like a self-help book. I dislike self-help books because all they do is tell you what you already know, or should be common sense. But at the same time people need self-help books because sometimes they need a good smack in the head to get them to listen to what should be common sense. Anyway, on with the show.

Today's blog entry is all about one word.

Communication.

Yep that's it: sea oh em em you en eye sea ay tee eye oh en. Communication.

Why would I devote an ENTIRE entry on one word? Because I think the failure of it in a relationship = the failure of the relationship. People change, and if the relationship is to keep up with the people, then it needs to change too. I had this whole essay planned out for this entry, but I'm sure none of you need examples of miscommunication, of how LISTENING is not the same as HEARING, and of how UNDERSTANDING is not the same as LISTENING. I've learned through experience, that just because you think you are understanding what the other person is saying, it doesn't make it so. It could be that they aren't using the correct words to convey their ideas, or that your interpretation of their words is not the same as theirs. When I have an argument with someone, I try and make sure that we're on the same page. It can be just as simple as saying "When you said this, I took it to mean this, is that right?".

The other part to communication is speaking your mind when something troubles you. You are being unfair to the other person if you are getting upset at them for doing something and not letting them know how it makes you feel. Yes, you read me right, YOU, UNFAIR. Now, if you told them what's up and they keep hurting you, then totally it's their fault. But if you don't let them know how their actions make you feel, YOU are the one in the wrong. That goes the same for when they do something that you really makes you happy and you don't let them know. I hate seeing couples break up because they grow apart because they don't discuss how the other's actions makes them feel. How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them. The classic "Well I'm not going to tell you you don't know what you did wrong?" is just plain ludicrous (it may seem rational when you're in the heat of the moment saying it, but it's not right, trust me, I've been there, it's NOT right). Remember, most feelings are emotions caused by actions. You can't suppress the feelings and hope they'll go away, you need to tackle the feelings from the source. Yes, that's right, you need to confront the actions that cause them. Remember, you put out the fire by attacking the base, not by spraying the top.

P.S. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about blatantly wrong things like cheating or stealing. At the same time, what may seem obviously wrong and hurtful to you may be not be to the other person. So TALK IT OUT PEOPLE!

"Judge others, and be yourself judged, by others." - SunriseSeeker

P.P.S Thanks to my friends who wished me a happy birthday yesterday.

Ready for Love

It's not easy, getting up after you've been beat to a bloody pulp. And it's pretty frickin' scary when you get put in the position where you got beat up the first time. It's certainly understandable why some people are scared to get into a relationship after being severely hurt. I don't mean the types who are not ready because they're getting over someone, or because they just aren't ready to settle. I mean those who genuinely have nothing holding them back except the fear of getting hurt again. I personally have had the shit kicked out of me (figuratively of course) more times than I care to admit. And trust me, I know it ain't easy to crawl your way from the bottom of that pit of hurt, that hole where you just wanna lock yourself in and shut everything else out. The thing is, the first step towards the exit from that void are steps you have to take yourself. Sure, friends and others who care about you are reaching into the hole as deep as they can, trying to help you out. But more often than not, you're in so deep that you're beyond their grasp. YOU yourself have to start climbing out, take the first few steps towards their helping hands. I know I'm not the first to give this advice, but it should be reiterated. Why be afraid to love? What's the worst that can happen? You get hurt. But wounds heal, even the deep ones you get from a broken heart. Now on the flipside, you could meet the love of your life. Isn't a temporary thing like a broken heart worth the risk of meeting someone whom you can spend the rest of your life with?

P.S. The title of this entry shares it's name with a wicked song from India Aire. I suggest you try and find it and listen to it.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Faith

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

The Wachowski Brothers took my thoughts and put it into a sentence which perfectly defines faith (or hope). That quote is from the Architect's speech in Matrix Reloaded. Without faith, humans would have nothing to live for. Our drive in life is based on achieving our desires and dreams. This is where religion comes in. I absolutely HATE discussing religion and God. I myself am an atheist. I believe that religion is for people who fail to believe in the power of themselves, who need their faith channeled into something more tangible. But please don't write in my blog your view of religion, this is MY blog and I can cry if I want to, you can't! Anyway, back on topic. Faith and hope can make people do amazing things. So how can something that gives us so much strength also be such a weakness? It can cause people do see things that aren't really there. Who wants to believe that their greatest desires and dreams aren't achievable? Who wants to be told that their raison d'être is out of reach? It's quite the paradox huh? That's why a person who's had their faith "shaken" can feel so lost. Without a goal to strive for, without a thing to hope for, with nothing to base their faith on, life can seem pretty empty and pointless. I encourage you to take an inventory of what your "faiths" are, even the little "hopes" you have. Give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, because without it, it can be pretty frickin' dark in there.

"One must desire something to be alive." - Margaret Deland

Rebound? Not Always.

Is it wrong to meet someone new to help you get over someone else? I'm not talking about rebounds here. For those who are in touch enough with their inner selves, I think you can actually develop a healthy loving relationship with someone while trying to get over someone else. The only problem is, is that most of us while hurt, still think emotionally instead of logically. What I mean by this is that you have to sit down and think, "If I met this person at another time in my life, would I still find them fascinating and attractive enough to pursue a relationship with them?" I think that it's possible to answer that question with yes, and not by lying to yourself that you're over the first person and start burying the feelings you have for them. Admit to yourself that you still have attachments to the first person, but I think that's ok as long as you genuinely want to get over them. If you genuinely can see yourself with this new person, and not use them to get over your past, but instead can see a real future with them, is going forward with a possible relationship really that bad? It may be a dangerous proposition though, and to make a potentially flammable situation even more explosive, you'll have to let this new person know you're still are trying to get over someone. Morally, I think if the other person is willing to gamble with their heart, the least you can do is let them know the deck they are playing with. They have the right to know, right? Remember, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do. It's the best way to start a relationship anyway, to be open and honest. If the other person still sticks around and is still willing, then you know that they're a keeper.

"Men are blessed with 2 heads to think with but cursed with only enough blood to use one at a time." - Anonymous

Too Late? Too Soon?

The title is a great song by one of my favorite singers, Jon Secada. What ever happened to him anyway?

As for it's never to late to say the things we want to say... yes, sometimes it is, and other times, it's too early. Timing is an aspect of life that seems to elude me. I just know that right now, I'm not ready for hello, and I'm not ready for goodbye.

What if...?

That has got to be one of life's worst questions. That's why I had to do what I did recently: I let "Her" know everything. My feelings, my poems, my blog, everything. It took some time, and talking to another friend who was extremely helpful, but I now realize that because of circumstances, I am not going to get the answer I want. Bad timing is my curse. Now begins the painful process of distancing and recovery. Some people have questioned whether or not I did the right thing in telling Her how I felt although (I thought) she had a boyfriend at the time. Sometimes the wrong thing must be done for the right reason. I needed closure, I needed to stop the bleeding, even though it meant chopping off an infected limb. I admit it, it was a selfish act, but for my own god forsaken sanity it needed to be done. What was I hoping for, telling her? i'm not sure, it's not like I wanted her to drop everything in her life and answer "I want to be with you." It's not like I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend and run into my arms. I just needed to lay everything out on the table so that there would NOT be the question "what if...?". I've burned too many hours and too many tears on "what if's" in the past. Although many more hours and tears have and will pass by this time, at least it will be for a recovery process and not in asking that brooding, dreadful question.

To those that read this, if you take anything away with you from reading my words, let it be this. It may embarass you, it may humble you, heck, it may even hurt you to the point where you want to shut yourself in a hole for months, but do it, do the things you're scared of doing, because one thing you CANNOT do in life is go back in the past to resolve issues, you CANNOT move on while there are lingering questions, you CANNOT get closure if you can ask "what if...?". After you crawl out of the hole, at least you can live with "at least I tried" which is a million times better than "what if...?". Trust me on this one.

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever does kill you, well, pretty much makes you dead." - Anonymous

Fun at 4am

It felt good to flirt with the cutie at the poker table last night. People have told me that I have a tendency to flirt a bit. The thing is, I usually don't do it intentionally. Those who really know me well understand that I just like to have fun, and enjoy myself more when others around me have fun. But last night, I deliberately flirted with this girl (I don't even know her name, let's just call her Girl) because, well, she WAS hella cute and probabaly also because I was feeling down. Flirting is a two way street of course and she reciprocated in kind. There were glances exchanged, comments bantered about. It also really helped my self-confidence. I rarely ever flirt at the level that I did with Girl, it's usually just more playful conversation. What was the difference between my normal friendly flirting and the occurrence last night? It was definitely body language and exchange of glances, but the coup de grace was the smiling. Oh yes, Girl had a really nice smile and I'm such a sucker for a nice smile. She was flashing that weapon all night. Anyway, it was a nice confidence and morale boost, and god knows I need it. Now for the record, I almost never flirt the way I do unless I'm really interested in that person. But lately I've been taking a beating emotionally, and I needed something to help me recover. I'm sure she had a great time too and no one got hurt, so it's all good, right?

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

- U2

"A true friend stabs you in the front" - Unknown

mrrrgggfffftttththh.

ARGH! What's even more frustrating than lack of inspiration is when you get it, but all the stuff that comes out is utter CRAP. I was trying to continue Conflict of Interest and I had about an hours worth of work done, but I had to scrap it all because it was just SHIT. I've tried to force myself to continue writing, but it seems like everything I spew out is some random string of syntactically correct english devoid of any real semantics.

While I'm here, I might as well tell you that this morning I hit my hit REALLY hard on an over hanging sign when I was walking to my building from the parkade. Some guy saw me and asked if I was ok, I said "Yah, I think so, at least I'm more awake now." I just rubbed my head again to make sure, yup there's a definite bump there.

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - A deep thought, by Jack Handy

Straight From the Heart

Inspiration hit this morning...

Can't Let Go

The flood gates are now open,
it's quite beyond control,
I'm cracked, but I'm not broken,
uncertain of my goal.

I cannot close this door,
there is no lock or key.
You've shown me I can be more,
than alone, I could ever be.

In darkness, I can't see,
but I'm guided by your light.
Hoping, you will catch me
from falling in mid-flight.

Before you came along
I sang alone just fine,
but I have heard our duet song,
And now solo, I can't shine.

These feelings are accidental,
I never meant this to be.
But this can't be coincidental,
I can feel, this is destiny:

For I've tried to fight and failed,
to oust you from my heart.
And since our paths have crossed,
everytime we part,

I open my mouth to say speak,
But I look into your eyes,
All I can say is "Until next time".
I cannot say goodbye.

-Sunrise Seeker

"If we let the dream die then what was the use in waking up?" - Martin
Luther King Jr.

Payment Due

Do you feel like you owe your parents for raising you? I have a friend who used to work at his parent's bakery, and when another friend jokingly asked how much he got paid he answered that he's the one who still owes his parents because they raised him. That got me thinking. Although my parents officially divorced when I was 14 or so, they had been separated for so long that my dad wasn't around much to "raise" me. As for my mom, although she brought the groceries and paid the utilities, did she really raise me? Do I really owe my mom? You see, I was quite emotionally abused by my mother, older brother, and older sister when I was growing up. I had no role models growing up, no one to look up to. Wait, that's not true either. My grandpa was a very positive role model, and I think that's where I get my profound sense of right and wrong from. Anyway, back to my immediate family, the only thing they taught me was how NOT to treat someone and how to endure constant verbal and emotional abuse. Although they cooked for me, clothed me, and put a roof over my head, do I really owe them? In fact, a huge part of who I am and was growing up, was because I wanted to be someone exactly the opposite of my mom, dad, brother and sister. Sometimes I'm amazed at the way I turned out considering the lack of family values I had and my circle of friends when I was younger. I'm pretty sure that had I taken a couple of different turns on the path I've walked, I would be at a much different place right now. So to my own question I guess this is the answer: my family may have provided me with the material fodder I needed growing up, but none of the emotional sustenance. I raised myself. The only person I owe is my grandpa, may he rest in peace, and it is in his memory that I try to do the things I do to make this world a better place.

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." - Wendy, age 8

Numb

It's not being alone in itself that is so frustrating. It's when you find that someone, that someone who makes you feel whole... It's not that you didn't feel whole before, but you just never knew how much more you could be until that person became a part of your life. That person who quickens your heart, shortens your breath, moistens your palms, who brings you to life; makes you alive in a way you've never known possible. But then you discover that they can't be there by your side, that you can't achieve the heights that you knew you could because they're not flying with you. That's what hurts, that's what is frustrating, that's what makes you feel even more... alone.

How did you force your way in here? You were uninvited.

You're the best of me, and also the worst.

I want to understand your words, and your silences.

I must rely on the strength within,
to survive through this pain.
to overcome the hurt,
seek the sunrise again,
to walk through this desert.

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." - Harry Truman

If I Had a Meeeeelion Dollahs

If by chance I ever won the lottery (which would be pretty tough considering I barely buy tickets), one of the first things I would do would be to come to work without any pants on. The second thing I would do, while at work, is to slap the ass of every hot female co-worker I could find. Third, if I wasn't fired by then, I would probably take a dump on department head's desk, and while being thrown out by security, scream "How's THAT for real time resolution?!"

I'm sure all of you have an idea of what you'd like to do if you ever came into such a large amount of money that you wouldn't have to work another day in your life. After all the usual, traveling, buying large and expensive things... seriously, what would you do with your life? I've always wanted to become a teacher. In fact, if it wasn't for the extremely poor job market in that area when I was in University, I most likely would have ended up in the Education program, and after graduation, look into teaching at the high school level. I think that kids in high school are at one of the most impressionable times of their lives. I would try to be more than just a teacher of school curriculae, but an advice dispense and a mentor on life. I'd try to use real life examples so that kids could use to relate to my teachings. I would impart not just knowledge, but more importantly, wisdom. Trying to expand the way those young adults think and see the world around them would the primary goal of mine, not teaching facts and figures.

I don't want money just to have nice and expensive things, I want money because of the freedom it provides, of the doors it would open for me. I don't want power nor fame. What I want is to touch people's lives, to leave the world a better place than I found it, to be remembered. If I ever do become a teacher, even having brightened the mind of one student, having my words etched into their brain, having a permanent affect on one life, would be worth sacrificing my time and energy.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal

Conflict of Interest Part I

"Ya know, it's not only what you say, but it's the way you say it," Scott said as he sipped on his coffee.

Jan, who was mixing honey into her peppermint tea, paused slightly and then played with the stir stick with the tip of her finger. "Just what ever do you mean by that?" she replied in a playful tone as she lifted the stir stick and flicked a little tea at Scott's face.

Scott quickly threw up his hand in defense and let out a loud laugh. Some of the people sitting at the tables around them paused and turned their heads slightly in amusement, but then quickly went back to their own conversations. The coffee shop was busy as it usually was for their Sunday noon coffee sessions. They had both agreed to try a new drink that day. Scott gave up his regular lemon herbal tea for a Caramel Corretto and Jan went with tea to replace her large dark roast which she usually loaded up with sugar.

"Geez, save some honey for the bees," Scott had teased when Jan squeezed a quarter of bottle of honey into the extra large foam cup.

"That's how I stay so sweet," Jan countered in the most fabricated, sweetest voice she could. Scott then faked a gag reflex complete with bulging eyes.

"I can't believe it's been three weeks since we last did this," remarked Scott, "so what's new with you?"

"Not too much actually. Exams are over, so that's a huge load off. Wrote my last one yesterday," said Jan, trying to acquire a taste for the highly recommended tea.

Scott noticed the furled brows on Jan's face as she sipped on her cup. "Not your cup of tea huh?" He chuckled at his own witticism, "just give it some time, the peppermint really invigorates."

"Needs more honey," Jan said between sips, slightly looking up from her cup to see Scott's eyes roll up into his head, "Ha ha, don't worry, I'll stick with it just because you recommended it." Then remembering Scott's original thought, Jan said "And what do you mean it's the way I say it?"

"Well, you asked 'Why do guys always misunderstand me?' " started Scott, doing his not-so-best impression of Jan, "Don't you know that..." he had to pause to dodge a playful slap from his coffee partner "...body language and tone can change the meaning of words?"

So what do you guys think so far? This is a little something I JUST made up. It took me about 30 minutes to write. Where is this story line going to go? Let's just say that the title is a little hint, not like that really helps since even *I'm* not too sure about the details. I have the major plot details in my head. I just hope the don't get lost with other random thoughs that often cross my mind. I'm not even sure how many parts this story will be. Hopefully I'll continue writing as I get insipired! Drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

"Insanity isn't only a by-product of self-discovery, but sometimes is the
final product"- SunriseSeeker

Opposites

Do opposites attract? My belief is that the greater the opposites, the more violent the reaction, therefore the more spectacular the explosion, but the shorter the duration. I've never had a chance to date someone that's a TOTAL opposite from myself, but I have dated someone who people who have been somewhat opposite. The intense attraction and fireworks can almost be a narcotic. Like any bad addiction, you can't get off the ride until you are in way over your head and all you can do is just enjoy (or suffer through) it until you burn out. The ride for me, at the same time was as spectacular as it was ugly. The rush and the crash afterwards was experience I care not to repeat, but at the same time was a great experience.

"Try everything in life at least once, as long as it doesn't screw you over too badly." - SunriseSeeker

For Winter's Snow

It's the end of April and it's snowing in some parts of my city. Yep, Edmonton, where it once snowed in the middle of June. There's a saying about Alberta: "If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes." Anyway, this cold weather reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back called Winter's Snow. I wrote it while studying at the University of Alberta, in the Student's Union Building (SUB). It was winter of course, and it was a beautiful day, the Sun was beaming and its light perfectly highlighted a fresh snowfall from the night before. I was studying near a window and looked out; I love the frosted look of trees and buildings a fresh snowfall brings. Add to that a clear blue sky and the Sun's warmth making everything glow... inspiration was instantaneous. I wrote this poem in about 5 minutes and took another 5 to edit it.

For Winter's Snow

They kiss the ground
so soft and pure.
Without a sound,
My heart they lure.
Into a trance
My thoughts do flow,
My mind does dance
For winter's snow.

With life they drift,
Soft as a feath'r.
Yes, nature's gift,
'Gainst cold weather.
Like l'amour in France
My feelings show,
My heart does dance
For winter's snow.

Snow swept scenes,
Come, hear me shout,
The summer greens
I can do without.
And if by chance
These flakes do go,
My soul will still dance
For winter's snow.

I'm Dry...

Tonight I logged on to Blogger, with so many things to say. But the funny thing is, I'm going to end up saying nothing at all. As I typed away, the sentences produced on my screen made less and less sense. I couldn't string together a coherent frickin' thought if my life depended on it. Work has me stressed out lately, and I've been getting these pangings of loneliness. Why am I so picky? It's not like I can force myself to be attracted to someone right? Someone asked me how things are going in the girl department and I responded with "The department's been closed for repairs." She then told me not to close shop because there definitely are girls browsing. I hear all the time that there are "girls out there, and that I'm just not paying attention". She said that maybe no one of my type is browsing to which I responded "Either way, it looks empty." All my friends say I'm too picky and I admit that I can be picky, but at the same time I'm not. I can't choose who I am attracted to right? To me, it's all about chemistry. I can sit down and talk to the prettiest girl but if I don't feel like there's a connection, then although I may be physically attracted to her, I'm not going to try and pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand, I've dated girls that may not turn heads, but whom I have a connection with and thoroughly enjoy being with. A deeper level of attraction than just physical is required for me to start giving up things in my life to start spending more time with a girl. I'm sure you all know this, but I'll just say it anyway. Personality can make a less physically attractive person beautiful, and a physically attractive person ugly. I truly believe that as I know people who embody the dichotomy. Am I picky? Maybe. I want someone who is beautiful to me on the inside, for physical beauty can fade, but inner beauty is a much more resilient product. Is it too much to ask? It's been almost 4 years that I've been single, so the answer so far, seems like it's "Yes".

"Understanding is a lot like sex; it's got a practical purpose, but that's not why people do it, normally." - late physicist Frank Oppenheimer on amateur scientists and their passionate curiosity.

Definition of Love?

I find it funny when people ask, "What is love?" or "How do you know when you're in love?" because my explanation is so long winded. You see, the problem with answering those questions is that love exists on so many levels. Friends, family, significant other, even something you LOVE to do. No matter which of these categories it exists in, if you love something, it will lighten your heart and make you smile, even if only on the inside, when you think of it. The feeling of love for me, propels me to seek out its source, expend all your energies to be with it, and fight for it till I can't fight anymore. Everyone falls in love, but it's not always with a person. Some people love their work, others love a hobby. Love is a paradox: how can the purest and simplest of feelings cause so much confusion? The reason why there's no ONE feeling of love, is because it is grown, grown inside of us. No one can thrust love upon you, take your head and drown you in a pool of it. And since each one of us is an individual, the feelings of love that we grow, are just as individual. That is why I cannot tell you whether you're in love or not. I myself have been in love a few times, have had love change from a deep, boyfriend/girlfriend love to a platonic friend love and even vice versa. How do you know when you're in love? Only you can answer that question.

This quote comes from one of my heroes in life. If I could sit down and chat with ANYONE in the world, dead or alive, it would be Albert Einstein. The reason why I think he's a genius, is not only because of all of his incredible discoveries, but because how he can take his most complex ideas and translate them so that mere idiots (like me) can understand them. I believe that is where true intelligence comes in, is in being able to take a complex idea and mentally rotate and transform it so you can introduce that idea in others in an understandable and comprehensible way.

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

Sorry boys and girls. I've been too busy lately to write in here. I've been (trying) picking up a LOT of sports this year. I took my new set of golf clubs out to the range for the first time ever and for the first time this season and that was a BRUTAL combination. Just finished a ice hockey tournament and placed 3rd, I'm also in a roller hockey tournament this weekend. I'm actually quite impressed with myself at how much I'm NOT hurting. Last night I played 2 games of ice, then volleyball for 2 and a half hours, then a game of roller after that. This morning I finished off my ice tournament (finished 3rd!! WOOOOT!) and right now is down time for roller in about 4 hours. Tomorrow I finish the roller tourney, but gonna play some basketball first (which is another sport I'm getting back into this summer). The other sports I want to get back into are badminton, volleyball, tennis and running. I don't think there's enough hours in a day or days in a week for me to do it all, but Imma die trying!!! Anyway, I'll try not to make too many "list of what I did today" posts as I find them quite boring myself when I read other blogs like that. I just did this one to let you guys know I'm still alive and kickin' and to apologize for not writing. Well, unless you guys actually care how my day went and maybe I'll post more like this. Why not let me know by leaving a comment? :D

Just so that this post isn't a total waste:

"Wisdom is the quality that helps keep you out of situations where you need it." - Unknown

Do Not Fix Me I'm Not Broken

"You gotta hit rock bottom." I know we've all heard it. It's almost a cliche. What I'm here to do today, is to explain why sometimes, we DO have to hit rock bottom, and how it can be a very rewarding experience. When I say rock bottom, I don't mean just being broken here or there, I am talking about the total and utter shattering of one's non-physical self. How can such a catastrophic event be therapeutic? When one have nothing to lose, this is when one can ask the most difficult and honest questions about one's self and also produce the most truthful and unwanted answers. Rock bottom is the best time for self reflection and self discovery. The ascension out of the pit is a process of picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. There is much strength required to pick up those pieces of yourself and start bonding those pieces not knowing what the final sculpture will be. It's like walking a path to which the destination is unknown. The cracks in the sculpture where the pieces fit together are part of the new you, they are integral to the finished product. Don't let them be the weakpoints in the rebuilt you. Instead, treat them like scars: they are tougher than the skin underneath. That's the difference between the weak and the strong, is how they choose to live with their imperfections and defeats. The cracks that you see are my battle scars, they are as important as the finished product itself. Me? Don't try and fix me, I'm not broken.

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke

It Was At That Moment

I was reading through my blog, and I said I would do 2 things. One was to write one of my life defining moments and the other was to post a short story or poem I wrote. Since I accomplished the former in my last entry, I thought that with this entry I would finish the latter. So without further ado:


It Was At That Moment
It was at that moment when I opened the door to the bus station and stepped outside into the cold winter morning I realized that she was gone from my life. A warm tear crept down my cheek as I ran towards the car, fighting off the stinging cold and the cold sting of realization.

Maybe I should have said more to her, how everything about her drove me nuts. From the way her hair fell over her face, to the way she folded her legs when she sat, to the way she became all excited and giddy when she talked about something she really liked. Should I have told her how hard I had tried not to like her, how the feelings slowly crept up from behind and knocked me on my ass? Should I have said to her how the past couple of months have been a tumultuous joyride of happiness and repressed pain? No. Too much had been said already, but it still wasn't everything I had wanted to say.

It was too late now anyway.

I sat down in the car and turned on the ignition. Warm air started blowing through the vents and stirred the air inside the cabin. Her sweet smell still lingered and caught me off guard. Unconsciously I slowly closed my eyes and drew in a slow breath of the scent. I traveled back 2 minutes in the past, when I was warm and still in her embrace. Yes, it was the same scent I drew from her hair as we hugged goodbye for the last time. Had I done the right thing? Was not letting her know how I really felt the correct course? Yes, was the unwanted answer. After all, she was moving, moving to start a new life, a better life. According to my own set of rules, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do.

As the car warmed up I pulled out onto the street. I glanced back at the window where she was sitting to try and steal one last glimpse... but she had already got up from her seat and moved on.

Today's Quote:

"Always remember, others may hate you. Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." - Richard Nixon

A Life Defining Moment.

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I've never hit a woman out of anger in my entire life. I mean, I've punched them in jest and for fun, but never with malicious intent. Only once in my life have I ever even thought about hitting a woman. One of my ex's, she cheated on me twice and lied to me in front of my face and even accused ME of cheating on her. Believe it or not, that's really not the worst that she did to me. She REALLY screwed me around in other ways. There just came a point where the anger and frustration welled up inside me so much that I thought I was going to explode. That was the moment when I was EXTREMELY close to hitting a woman. It took every ounce of restraint and self control I had to stay my hand, turn, and walk away. That incident frightened me in a way that I had never been frightened before. When push comes to shove, what am I REALLY capable of? I mean, I never EVER thought that in my life I'd ever even come close to hitting a woman. That incident was damn close. It's kind of a dark subject. Most of us really do not know how we would act in a crisis or panic situation, or what we're really capable of doing if push came to shove. For those who don't believe, I really do have a dark side to me. Only a few people that I've ever talked to in my life know about it. Once in my life, I would like to see what that side of me is capable of doing if it were allowed free reign of my faculties... It's a notion, that at the same time, I hope that never realizes itself, quite the paradox if you think about it. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Those who have made the mistake, are the few who have seen my dark side. I'm a very tolerant person. It takes A LOT to get on my bad side (usually repeated abuse of my kindness and tolerance), but if you do, may god have mercy on your soul, MOUOUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaaaahahahahahaaa. And for those of you who know me and think "I can't imagine at all that you could be capable of being really mean" (I've gotten that response many times), just keep thinking that way. For the most part, it's true.

This next part is in response to a comment left on the previous post, T.G.I.F.,

I am totally speechless. Honestly, what you said ranks up there in the top 5 most memorable things said to me. It gives me much joy and motivation to know that my words are making a difference and that I'm just not talking to myself out here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Today's quote:

"It isn't so much that people are against you as they are for themselves" - from the book "Life is a Taxi Ride"

T.G.I.F.!

I'd rather have people know me for who I am inside instead of what I look like. I'd rather have people read a piece of my writing or hear my words and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" than have them look at a pic of me and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" Outward appearances are easily changed, personality is not. I'd rather have people discover me inside out instead of outside in. On a related note, people who I meet in person first, and then read my writings, tell me that they're quite surprised that I am capable of more than just grunts and mumbles. On the flipside, people who read what I write in here first, and then meet me later are
surprised on my physical appearance. I guess it's not REALLY that surprising really. I'm the kind of person that likes to keep people on their toes. I try hard to break away from stereotypes. And I like to surprise people with different aspects of my persona. Just like Shrek, "I'm an onion." =) On an unrelated note, how often do you try to repair a boat that just keeps springing leaks? I think it's time to abandon ship.

Today's quote is something I've always felt but never voiced in a "capture the idea in a sentence" kinda way. It amazes me how many people see the world in such a defined way. Those people should realize that there's shades of grey and colour in EVERYTHING, that there's a at LEAST one exception to every rule. They should realize because we are humans, and therefore susceptible to human nature, that hard and fast rules only apply to a majority. But to truly understand life and people, you need to look beyond those stereotypes and turn your attention to the unseen, the undefined.

"See the world in black and white, and you'll miss the colours of life." - SunriseSeeker

True Colours in Adversity

I believe that the only way to truly see who someone is when are facing true adversity. What a person does when their back is against the wall, or when they're facing insurmountable odds, tells a lot about who they are. Another time when people's true colours shine is when they think no one is watching them. Do they commit deeds of good? Or do they take the route of hedonism no matter the moral implications? I think that's why I like testing myself so much. I like pushing myself, see where my limits are, and I encourage you to do the same thing. I believe that there have been a few moments in my life that have truly tested my core being, and although I have suffered much because of those moments, I know who I am, what I am capable or not capable of doing. Defining one's self I believe is important and thanks to what's happened to me in my life, I am able to do so. I still test myself though, I try not to take the easy way out of things. I am also very competitive. Although it's more of a competition with myself more than anything. For example, when playing sports, I am more happy than if I played my best and lost, then if the opponent was no challenge at all and I won. I enjoy being pushed and I enjoy being tested. Maybe in some future posts I'll describe some of my life defining moments. But it's getting late, and my bed looks pretty inviting.

This is one of the few quotes that I live by, because I am a person who practices what he preaches:

"The right thing to do, is most often the hardest thing to do."
- SunriseSeeker

Turn that Frown Upside-Down

One of my very very good friends said to me, "you sound pretty calm for having that many unfortuate events happen to you". My reply to her was "Yah I'm calm, how else should I be? It's not like I can fight back against life... if I could, you bet your sweet little ass I would. but since I can't, there's not use, so yah, just stay calm and enjoy the things I still have."

My aunt whom I love dearly said to me when I was younger, when I was having all sorts of family problems. She's Chinese, so here is my translation of her words:

"Don't try and fight every battle, don't fight the battles you know you can't win to save your energy for the battles that you can."

%#$^@!#&*$!^ 2005!!!

So yah, just when I thought things were settling down and I could actually start enjoying 2005... I walk back to my car after work last night and find the front passenger side window smashed. Yup, someone broke into my car and of all things, they took just my gym bag. I had some pretty nice shoes and dri-fit shorts and shirt. Also inside was my iPod waist belt, remote and inner earbuds. So not including the window, I'm out $400 worth of stuff. WHY DOES 2005 HATE ME?!?!!?!

No quote this post, too upset...

Poker - Luck vs. Skill (how to win in the long run)

It always kills me when people say there is no skill involved in poker, that it's all luck since your playing cards. Well of course there is luck involved, as there is with ANYTHING that involves random principles. Where skill becomes involved, is how you play the numbers in the long run to stay in the black. If luck was the ONLY factor in gambling, how do casinos stay in business? They do because they have a small edge due to the "house rules". These rules are the rules that the table games follow that allow the casino to make money because of the Law of Large Numbers (Law of Averages). The Law basically states that in the long run, averages WILL play out. BUT, because of the "house rules" and the edge that it gives the casino, the casino will still make money. If you plan to stay in the game in the long run, you need to give yourself the same edge if you play poker. This is where skill becomes involved. Sure you may suffer some pretty bad beats, have several losing sessions in a row. But if you play enough, the Law of Averages will also allow you to give out bad beats and have several winning sessions in a row. Now, if you add skill and discipline into the mix, you can maximize your wins during those winning streaks and minimize your losses during losing streaks as well as sometimes turning what can be a losing session into a small winning session. This is the difference between one who plays cards, and a cardplayer. If you want more advice playing poker, there are MANY online resources available or my recommendation is to buy a poker book. The best free advice I can think of is reading the poker or card player magazines they have lying around in the card rooms at casinos . There are some really good articles by pros and semi-pros in there. Also you can visit another blog maintained by an acquaintance of mine http://pokerkaiedmonton.blogspot.com/ . He is a professional poker player who lives in the same city as me, and I've had the opportunity to see him in live action a couple of times. He's a really good player.

Remember, there definitely is luck involved in poker, but if you want a profitable long-run in poker, learn and develop discipline and skill. Good luck out there!

"The trick to happiness is not learning to get what you want, but to learn to want what you get." - Unknown

Il Mare and Fate

I just finished watching this very good love story called Il Mare. It's a Korean film (looking it up in IMDB, looks like Hollywood is going to attempt to retell it. I hope they don't slaughter the movie since they already have cast on of my LEAST favorite actors, Keanu Reaves). There are some minor holes in the movie, but they shouldn't detract from the overall enjoyment of the movie. I really liked how the movie ended; I just sat there watching the credits, hoping there would be more. How the movie ends, it allows your imagination to take over, and as a lover of good stories, I like it when storytellers leave things to your imagination. I myself though, would have written the ending differently. You can send me a comment and I'd be happy to discuss this movie and my version of the ending.

Watching this movie made me think, can I really fight Fate? I believe that we as creatures of the space and time, are only allowed to walk certain paths in our life, that Fate brings us to crossroads and doors. It is up to us though, to open these doors and choose which roads to take. Fate cannot force our hand to open doors, or force our feet to turn left instead of right at those crossroads. Fate merely presents us the opportunity to open those doors or choose those roads. I don't believe we live a predetermined life, but a life that we choose ourselves, albeit from a number of finite choices. For example, a child who is born in a 3rd world country compared to a child born here, Fate is going to present a VERY different path filled with very different doors and crossroads. I liken life to a path because I also believe that in our lives, different paths and doors sometimes will often meet up again down the road. Also, it allows the notion of paths and doors intertwining with other's paths and doors.

Going along now with another metaphor, the events leading up to this exact moment in my life, have made me believe that life has given me an incomplete deck to play against Fate. While Fate has a full 52 cards to play with and can make the all the hands possible, I am limited to only making weaker hands. So although I may make a pair or at most two Pair and beat Fate when it holds only a lower pair, sometimes even when I make by best hand of top two pair, more often than not Fate can produce a hand that'll slaughter mine. The only thing I can do in life is to keep trying to make two pair and hope that on the things that matter, Fate will only show me a pair. Now how do I combine these two descriptions of Fate into my complete vision of it? Well, I think that each time you beat Fate in a hand, more doors and crossroads open up to you, that you have to keep trying to make the best hand you can in life so you can create opportunities for yourself.

I'm not gonna go down without a fight.

I found this quote after I developed my doors theory on fate, but it shows great minds think alike =P:

"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don`t see the one that has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

Free...

I'm not sure if it's because I was too tired, but I think I may have overcome the ghost that haunts me. I don't still feel the same fire when I am with you, the same feeling of a waking dream when I look into your eyes as we conversate over nothing too important, yet what seems to be the most important topic at hand. I guess only future repetition of being in your company will tell.

I have often wanted to tell you how I feel. So badly, like an infection that I am dying to get rid of and saying to you what I've kept hidden for so long is the only cure. But now, that infection is going away on its own. This reminds me of that series of episodes of Friends where Rachel discovers how Ross feels about her for the first time, but when she meets him at the airport, he is wrapped in some other woman's arms. Later, she leaves a drunken message on Ross' answering machine telling him that she is "over him". Ross, hearing this message, says one of my favorite quotes ever:

"Over me? When were you under me?"

Cats and Dogs

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I was reading another blog, well it wasn't a blog, it was a user page on a community website, anyway, this girl had the most interesting thing to say, and I couldn't have said it better myself. (Copied with her permission)

what's the deal with girls that can't get along with someone
that isn't male? they claim that girls (in general) are stupid, untrustworthy,
or hard to get along with... what they don't understand is that PEOPLE (in
general) are stupid and untrustworthy and I apologize, but you can't get along
with girls by flirting with them. so let's stop making excuses for your
inability to make friends with people that don't have cocks.

It says what I've always believed in. Next time you hear a girl say that they can't get along with other girls, notice what kinda "person" she is, you'll notice a pattern...I know I have.

Another quote that I made when I was a youngin:

"Good things come to those who wait. Good things pass you by if you wait too long." - SunriseSeeker

A Little Window into Me

This is one of the deepest and "truest" things said about me.

"...(he) has a truly poetic soul."

I've never been described like that before, and it actually came as quite a pleasant surprise. I've been told by a few others that readers easily empathize with my words, that my writings often evoke great imagery and emotion. I believe that this is one of the best compliments a writer can receive. But to be told that I have a poetic soul, that takes the cake. It's more than just describes my writings, it describes how I see things, how I think, how I express myself. The notion of a soul indicates something more than mere brain power, that I am more than the sum of my neurons, synapses and electrochemical transmitters. I believe a "poetic soul" describes the passion I have for certain things, a passion to see what's underneath the surface or what lies beyond the unfathomable.

Maybe one day when I'm hard up on something to post on this blog, I'll put up a poem or a short story I've written.

Today's quote comes from one of my favorite poems:

"Do not go gentle into that goodnight. Rage rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas

Compartmentalizing Emotion

I've become kinda scared lately, at how well I can suppress emotion and use such a logical and factual light to see things. I'm a type of person who tries so hard not to be something that I can go overboard in the opposite direction. I believe the best way to analyze feeling and emotion is to step back and take a look and the underlying causes of the emotion and not to tackle the emotions head on. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to just clear the emotion but not the root of the issue. You can't put out a fire by just spraying the top of the flames, you gotta hit the base of the inferno. Back to my first sentence, I guess I've become so good at that type of analysis, at pushing emotion away, to see the "base of the fire", that I'm scared I may be numb to emotion. It's VERY hard for me to open up to someone, to let them in my door, to let them thumb through the pages of my life, to tell them the stories that make me who I am. Over the past 3 years, I've only allowed 2 people in my secret garden, only to have them take a brisk walk through and not only pluck at the few flowers I have growing, but not plant any flowers of their own. But then again, that's not fair, I never asked them to help plant my garden. But it would have been nice, yanno? I guess that's not totally the truth either, one I don't talk to much anymore, but the other I still maintain as a close friend. So I guess she's still helping me tend my garden. But I'm scared that as I compartmentalize my emotions of her more, that I am starting to slowly and irreversibly close my doors. How do you cut yourself off of such deep feelings for someone and still maintain a deep platonic friendship? That's one I still haven't figured out yet.

This quote, is one that I thought of when I was 15:

"Courage isn't about being unafraid, it's about being afraid and facing
your fears anyway." - SunriseSeeker

Random thoughts on a Wednsday night

When does compromising for a relationship start becoming compromising one's self? And what do you do about it?

Does self-discovery = evolution of one's self, or is it a revolution? Does every question have an answer? As we grow older, do you find your tastes (meaning things you enjoy doing, things you tolerate) being more open? Or do you find your tastes becoming more narrow and refined?

Blah, sometimes, I do feel like closing myself off in a nutshell and calling myself king of infinite space.

Today's quote:

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." - Mr.
Garrison

2005 > Me

The year 2005 so far is making me it's bitch. The last 2 months have been one of the worst starts to a year I have ever had. It started with my heart getting broken, then my car's alternator died. But before it went kaput, I guess it had a little talk with the clutch because shortly thereafter, the clutch opts to take a vacation and never coming back. Then my digicam bites the dust, it powers on, but then nothing happens then it just powers off. I take it into Future Shop cause I have the 3 year extended warranty on it. I wait 5 weeks for it. Then I get a call that the damage is NOT COVERED. So now I have a nice camera shaped paperweight. Just as I thought things were going to settle down, just last night my monitor decides it's had enough of me and no amount of begging or coaxing from me well make it display an image.

Thanks 2005, you're my new worst enemy.

Today's entry brought to you by:

"I was down on my luck and feeling low when someone said to me
'Cheer up, things could get worse.' So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse."

To the Ears of Babes

A very good friend re-introduced me to a passage in the Velveteen Rabbit that I just find amazing. I always knew children's books held messages, life's lessons, etc. But until reading this excerpt again this much later in life, I'm pretty sure I never grasped the deeper meaning until now.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

So to those who know me and whom I can't be ugly to, to those who understand me, thank you for taking the time to make me Real.

Your quote for today is:

Finagle's Law - "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately
explained by stupidity."

On Judgement

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

This came up in interesting conversation I had with someone:

Me:I like to surprise ppl. What I REALLY like doing, is breaking stereotypes and biases.

Her:So do I...

Me:yeah, actually, I see as kind of a personal battle against the world.

Her:hehe

Me:Even though I admit that I do have stereotypes and biases, I TRY not to base my judgements or first impressions of ppl on them. And I want to try and teach the world that (or less ambitiously, teach the ppl I meet that)

Her:I know I judge people, but everyone does... I am so used to being judged though, that I learned to be more careful

Me:I don't care if ppl judge me, in fact, I welcome it. BUT!!! the thing is, I want them to base their judgements on FACTS, and NOT what they assume or hear about me. It's fine to judge me after they KNOW me. Then if you hate me or like me, as long as you have a good reason to, then I don't mind. People always say it's bad to be judgemental. I think the exact opposite... AS LONG AS you base your judgement on facts and NOT just hearsay, assumptions and biases.

Her:I try not to judge people, but it always happens... you cannot stop it.It is a natural reaction.

Me:yes, but then you take your natural reaction, and train yourself to push it aside so that you don't base a permanent judgement on that natural reaction.

Wouldn't this world be a better place if people ACTUALLY based judgements of others on facts instead of just biases and stereotypes? I'm not just talking about racial biases and stereotypes. I also mean people who hear things about you and judge you before they even get a chance to know you. Or else people who've "seen you around" and form an opinion about you. I know it's natural to form an opinion. But what we all SHOULD do, is to NOT let that UNINFORMED opinion cement in our heads. This goes for first impressions too. One of my pet peeves is how people think they know another person, or form a "definite" opinion of that person, based on a first meeting. First off, what if that person is having a bad day, or is feeling goofy that day, or is feeling a tad ornery? See what I mean? What if for just that one moment you meet them, they are just a bit off from who they are? It happens. This even is true for the opposite condition, what if that person is feeling a bit extra nice, or is being fake when they meet you? Only over a series of meetings, will you see that they aren't always that nice. I mean, people can't be fake forever, true colours do shine through eventually. Secondly, personalities and psyches aren't developed in a moment, so how can you hope to decipher someone over a meeting or two? Like I said in my conversation, I see it as a personal battle to make try and make this world a better place, care to join me?

Today's Quote:

"At least you know what love is", someone said to me.

"Yeah, but to know what love is, I had to find out what pain is," I
replied.