Grains of Sand In Your Palm

Being truly in love means that you accept the possibility of losing the one you love. For true love is unselfish. Being unselfish means that you are happy for them as long as they are happy. If their happiness lies somewhere else other than with you, although you are sad to see them go, somewhere underneath the sadness, it may be buried pretty deep, but in there somewhere, you are happy to know they have found their sunshine. Plus, love is like trying to hold sand in your hand, if you clench a fist and try and grip it tight... you get the idea. If you're having problems with trust, then maybe it's time to find someone else. To love is to trust, and if someone abuses that trust, they are abusing your love. Of course, like I've said in previous posts, take everything in moderation, there are exceptions to the rule!

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message." - Anonymous

Introspection Through Writing

I know my words aren't exactly revolutionary. In fact, I know that a lot of you out there, deep down inside you, already know these words on my page as your own. But it helps when you actually see your thoughts as words on a page, doesn't it? It helps reinforce your own thoughts, and may help you see things about yourself a little more clearly. That's another reason why this blog exists. My rants aren't just for people out here to read, but for my own mental reinforcement. I think that putting your own thoughts in writing can often help you organize your thoughts and maybe supply a little clairvoyance into your own thoughts and emotions. It's just like teaching. Teaching is a great way to understand something. It forces you to understand the foundations of what you are teaching, but more than that, it also requires you to understand the nuances and not only see the big picture of your subject matter, but the little things as well. Also for me, writing requires thinking, and sometimes (yah only sometimes) when I think, my train of thought can wander into places I haven't explored before. Even if you never publish anything you write, try writing something, you might discover something new about yourself or see something in this world you've never seen before.

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental." - Anonymous

I'd Rather You Hate Me For Who I Am...

...rather than like me for who I am not.

Growing up, I've seen a lot of fake people. I've befriended fake people (before I knew their true colours), been betrayed and hurt by them. Everyone wants to be liked, well almost everyone anyway. Some people though, go a little overboard to be accepted or liked. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be nice to people because that would be fake. What I mean to say is that you shouldn't hide things about yourself, or be someone you're not just to impress others. Sooner or later the truth is going to come out and then what?

This is how I live my life: take me for who I am, know me before you judge me, if you dislike me after you get to know me, I'm not going to go out of my way to convince you to like me. All I want, is for people to like me/dislike me for the right reasons. Remember my mantra of moderation is the key to life? Well this also applies here. I'm not saying you should overwhelm people you meet with your personality either. Don't just lay all your cards out on the table. A little caution, timing, and tact (but not guile, there is a difference) is sometimes required, or else people will just think you're overbearing, arrogant, and/or attention seeking. I know I've been called those on occasion. In my defense, I admit I can be an expressive person who isn't afraid to show his emotion at times, or his opinion. And to top it off I don't get embarrassed easily. I'm not out here to make friends with everyone. Those who are my friends, those who care about me, those who love me, are there for me for the right reasons.

Another Successful Run!!

It was a gorgeous Sunday morning as I lined up at the start line for this year's CIBC Run for the Cure. It was a little windy but that didn't stop me from finishing the run in just over 22 minutes. Yes it was slower than last year but I have 2 excuses hehe. One, I got a HUGE charley horse from playing volleyball two days ago, AND I haven't been running as much this year because I've been busy. Anyway, my time isn't the successful part of the story. It was that thanks to my very generous friends, I have managed to personally raise $515. I am amazed at the generosity of my friends and value their support! I would like thank the following people who have came online and donated to trying to find a cure for breast cancer:

Stephanie Y
Karen C
Michelle C
Doug T
Derek C
Eric T
Eugene N
My brother Alex C
and my girlfriend who couldn't make the run due to work, Elaine T

I would also like to thank 3 other donors who were too shy to let me know who they were but thank goodness were still very generous!! One anonymous donor donated $100 alone!!

I ran with the same team I have the past 2 previous years, My Legs Hurt. We all had a great time and it's too to see the team getting larger (albeit slightly) over the years.

If you still want to donate to find a cure, please follow the following link. It is a secure site and you need one of the big 3 credit cards. Donations over $20 will receive a tax receipt over email in a matter of minutes. Remember that finding a cure for breast cancer can also open doors for understanding cancer in general.

https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/personal_page.asp?track=1559674&languageid=1

The Dangers of Default Emotions Part 2

This entry is about a discussion of the temporal importance of default emotions. When we hear something that upsets us greatly, I think it is extremely important to take a break before reacting to the news. I think it's paramount to let the news soak in, let your heart and your brain adjust to the news. Give your brain time to use logic to control the wild emotions racing through your veins. Depending on how you handle emotion and how heavy the news is, I think it may take anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of days. I know in my younger years I've done many rash things that I've regretted in the heat of the moment. It is also important I think to give other people the same consideration. What I mean is that if you know someone has just heard something that upsets them, maybe be a little more lenient with your forgiveness if they do something dumb, or something that's out of character. Let them know that you understand what they're doing is probably from rage or pain, and that you won't hold it against them, that you'll give them sometime to let the news sink in, and after it has, to talk to you again. Just remember that a little forgiveness and understanding can go a long way.

"Indifference - It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face." - Another wonderful Demotivators quote

Being Afraid to Need Someone

Letting yourself go enough to need someone can be pretty tough for someone who is very independent. I guess for some people it can be a hard thing: caring enough about someone to let them in, open up the gates to your garden and let them walk around freely. Sometimes it can be the fear of depending on them to be in your garden, your vault, so that it doesn't feel as empty that can prevent you from opening up. Let's face it, the secret area we keep locked, once we let someone in, they become a part of it. The thing is, unlike the other treasures in your garden, that person is a thing you can't control. You didn't put it there, which means that they're not a permanent fixture. That means that maybe someday, they may not want to be in there anymore. That's a thought that scares all of us. Keeping the door locked to your vault for too long may also mean that the other person may not want to step inside anymore. Being afraid to need someone can be a tough thing for both people. Another thing about opening yourself up is being vulnerable. I mentioned in the last entry that caring about someone sometimes can mean putting your heart in their hands. Well, when you open up the door, the person stepping through may destroy the fortunes you have locked inside, and that's cause enough for some people to be very reluctant and keep that door locked tight. On the flipside of that same coin though, that person may become the most valued treasure in there. It's always a risk opening up yes, but isn't a lifetime of happiness worth a moment of heartache?

Being single for a long time, and then starting a relationship is tough. You have your own world, your own time, your own things to do. I understand that it's tough to give up things that matter to you. You are a strong person by yourself. It can be a battle at times to step off your firm ground onto a surface that is shaky. Patience, undestanding and of course, communication are the things which can help the venture off terra firma an easier one to take.

"Love is like a mountain, hard to climb, but once you get to the top the view is beautiful." - Daniel Monroe Tuttle

Love...Actually...Maybe?

A very tough thing about letting yourself go enough to really care about someone, and eventually falling in love, is we expect reciprocation. Yes, they say true love doesn't need reciprocation, but I'm talking about the act of falling for someone. What I'm trying to say is that falling for someone means putting your heart into their hands, and that can be a frightening prospect. I think being in love with someone means that your happiness ultimately depends on the other person's happiness. That's a scary thing no? This also reinforces the idea that true love doesn't need reciprocation; all you need is for the other person to be happy. But of course for a fruitful and healthy relationship, the return of love is definitely on top of the checklist of must haves.

"Love isn't blind; it just only sees what matters." - William Curry

Raison d'etre

Someone wrote to me:

i know alot of people must say they relate to your writing. its not exactly relating for me, it was more like realizing. it's well known that being heartbroken is a universal feeling, mostly everyone will feel it one time or another...but honestly when you are in it, you feel like you are the only person in the world who feels that specific way

This is a reason why my blog exists. One of my friends a while back commented in my CBox and asked why I keep this piece of cyberspace alive, why I haven't slayed the demons for good and moved on. I told him that this *is* part of my moving on process, and that if my experiences help at least one other person out there, then it's reason enough to keep it. It's not like I dwell on my past and keep reliving it though, I've moved on.

"Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana

The quote is a little dramatic I realize for the scope of this blog, but that doesn't diminish the reason for its existence. Here I am, spewing forth my mental Jabberwocky (please pardon me, Mr. Carroll for using the title to your awesome poem so liberally), hoping that others out there can get there own meaning, that (like the above quoted person said, when you're drowning in your own pool of pain and misery... well, misery loves company), you are definitely not alone. Knowing that someone else out there knows (or knew) exactly how you feel can help ease the pain. I'm just glad that my little contribution to cyberspace is actually a useful one, well at least to some.

Monday Morning Quickie

Here's a quickie, someone famous probably already said this, but I just thought of this and thought I'd write it down.

Being in love isn't about being able to spend the rest of your life with the other person, it's about not being able to live your life without them.

The Importance of Thank You

I think it's always nice to say a little thank you when some does something nice for you. Yes, it may be that it wasn't out of their way what they did to help out, or it may have been even part of their job. But I was doing a little thinking (a little, HA!) the other day and I think sometimes it's important to say thank you (a real thank you) when someone is just doing their job. In order to continue with this, I'm going to take you with me on a tangent.

My brother often does things for me that are out of his way. I do thank him of course. But I got to thinking. "Do I need to verbally thank him? He should know that I am always appreciative when he does something for me." But then my thoughts rolled on and I got to thinking that when you stop saying thanks to someone for doing something for you, even though you actually are thankful, they may start to feel that what they are doing for you is expected. I'm sure that people would rather do things because they want to, and not because it's expected. That's what we call being taken for granted. Now every time my family or anyone else does something for me that is out of their way, I will call them again to say thank you even after I thanked them when the incident originally occurred.

Now back to my original point. Yes, the person is just doing their job, so why say thanks to them? Not only is it polite, but it may also get them out of the "'I'm just doing my job, I'm just doing what's expected" mentality. I'm not talking about saying the "just polite, not looking in the eye thank you." But actually look them in the eye, nod, and say thanks. If they catch it, I'm sure they'll be happier and who knows, maybe they'll actually enjoy being at work more and start performing better? Who doesn't like being appreciated? And all it may take, is a little thank you.

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." - Albert Einstein

Doing the Best They Can

Taking the next step.

I'm starting to come to grips on how my family raised me. People say to me "They raised you the best they could." But I often ask myself if that was really the case. I think that's why I have such a difficult time forgiving them. I have trouble believing that they did try their hardest to raise me, tried their hardest to love me, to show me right from wrong. I have tried, tried hard to look for examples where they went out of their way to show me they loved me. Instead all I find are instances where they felt obligated or else when it didn't cost them any time or energy.

So I guess the next step for me in the forgiveness of my family is moving past the idea they didn't raise me the best they could, and if I can forgive them for that. I already have forgiven them for a lot in the past, and as we are getting older we have been growing much closer. But this last step in forgiveness I think is the final one, and like almost all last steps, it's going to be the hardest.

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" - The Wizard of Oz

I Blog, Therefore I Am

My blog exists for a couple of reasons. I originally started this because I like to think that I have some thought provoking ideas, and that I would like to share those ideas with others. There are two main reasons for my ambition to share. One is that I hope to perhaps invoke thought in others, to start a chain reaction of thinking, to maybe open a new door or turn on a new light bulb in other's heads. Another reason is for debate. I like it (and appreciate it) when others comment and critique what I have to say. I would like someone else to turn on a new bulb inside my psyche. By expressing myself in this medium, I hope that people out there ingest what I write, swirl it around in their minds, digest the meaning, and perhaps excrete something that I have totally never thought of. I hope to expand minds out there, and in return, have mine grow as well.

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

Love Sometimes Means Letting Them Fall

One of the toughest things about a parent, mentor, or even a friend is letting someone you care about make their own mistakes. It's a necessary part of growth sometimes. As much as we never want to see the ones we care about get hurt, as much as we want to shield them from pain, those two things (hurt and pain) I believe are an important part of the growing and developing process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your kids about drugs or not stopping them from doing blatantly dangerous and wrong things like playing with guns or let discrimination go unchecked. There are some mistakes that should NEVER be made. I'm talking about life's lessons, lessons about love, faith, careers, friendship. Listening to them and education is at times, is all you can do. But even then sometimes the ones you love don't want to listen. And as much as you want to force them down what you think is the correct path, to steer them clear of danger, sometimes that force will lead them to resent you, and even rebel against you. To love someone is to set them free to walk their own path, and when they do stumble, when they do fall and get hurt, be there to bandage the wound, kiss it better, and help them back up to walk again. Sheltering someone you love may make you feel safe, but is your piece of mind worth their lack of freedom and a chance of learning a life lesson?

"I will keep faith when yours is gone, I will keep hope when you need to carry on." - Sunrise Seeker

The Dangers of Default Emotions

I have a confession to make. In my younger years I often claimed to be a victim because it was easier to place blame on something besides myself. It was easier than admitting I was wrong, easier to blame circumstance, or the other person when I clearly had a share of wrong-doing. I'm getting better at that now, at pointing the finger at myself when things don't go my way. This leads me to the main point of this entry.

Is it possible that we have lived with fear, anger, or sadness for so long that it becomes comfortable to us? Is it conceivable that we can use the emotion as a pillow, as a fallback? Is it also supposable that that emotion becomes so overriding, so ingrained in our psyche, that it drowns out other emotions and becomes a default emotion/reaction? The answer of course is yes. I believe that it is completely in the realm of possibility that a person has soaked themselves in so much fear, hate, anger or victimization that they need that feel that emotion in order for their world to seem "right". It is definitely unhealthy for these people to hold on to that default emotion. This can also be true for more "positive" emotions. Always seeing the world with rose-colored glasses is an example that comes to mind. So how do you get someone to take of those glasses, or get someone to not always think that they are the victim? I wish I had an answer, or at least one that's within the scope of this blog.

"The past should be remembered, not relived." - Unknown

Life's Little Victories

I've tried hard recently to overcome my fears in the recent past. Not the major demons that still haunt me, but defeating even the little ones deserves some recognition no?

About a year ago, a group of us went to visit a friend in Calgary. She lived on the 4th floor and had a balcony that extended the entire floor. In the morning, while everyone was still getting ready to go out, I decided it would be a good time to use the balcony to try and get over my fear of heights. My friend came out to find me, and seeing me standing on the corner, snapped a few pics without me knowing, this being one of them:

I stood on that ledge for 15-20 minutes, swallowing all the butterflies, trying not to let my weak knees or trembling limbs be the reason I lost my balance and experience freefall for a few brief seconds. Did it work? I'm not sure. I know that aversion therapy takes more than one session. But every time the breeze behind me picked up even a little, causing my body to sway away from the safety of the concrete behind me, causing the nausea and dizziness to grow, I fought every instinct to step back towards my safe haven, and instead to continue, to endure overlooking the ledge although my brain screamed at every muscle in me being to move back.

Bare with me here, I am about to jump to another related anecdote.

Came back from a snowboarding trip last weekend, and conquered another one of my fears. I love jumps, grabbing air, or at least I did when I skied (I skied for 11 years before I took up riding 4 years ago). However, my riding skills aren't that spectacular. This last trip, the snow was rather shitty, so my friend and I spent most of our time in the terrain park, trying to improve our jumps. Well, it was the last run of the day and I was approaching the jump with considerably high velocity. But instead of slowing down like I usually would out of fear of serious injury, I said "fuck it, let's do this shit" and grabbed the biggest air ever in my life; even managed to perform a decent grab.



Yes, I'm pleased with myself. I am proud of the little internal victory I achieved. I faced a fear and beat it, and it feels good. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but try it, just something small. It may needn't be a huge fear, just do something that frightens you a little, something outside your comfort circle. Don't be discouraged if you don't succeed, learn from it, and don't do the same thing next time =). Endure, win life's little victories, it makes life worth living and much more fun and interesting.

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

Letting Go of the Hate

I wrote this 5 years ago in a semi-private journal I had.

I'm more messed up than I thought I was... for those who don't know, my ex and I work at the same place. Well, not anymore, last night was her last shift... and as much as I hate that bitch, for some strange reason I can't explain... when I looked at her old locker, and saw the absence of her lock, I felt this queer empty feeling inside me, like I was going to miss her. And just as that feeling hit, I felt all disgusted with myself and thought "how the hell can I miss someone that's cheated on me twice and lied to me so many times?" But then during my next break, I found my eyes wandering towards the direction of her locker, and a small part of me wishes that the lock was still there.... sigh... I need WAAAAAAY more therapy than I originally thought.

One of my good friends (back then) wrote this as a reply:

I don't think you need therapy cause you feel like you miss your ex (when she left work) who cheated and lie to you so many times. I think it's actually quite normal. It makes you human and you should feel good about it 'cause no matter how much a person hurts you you still are able to find a teeny weeny bit of love and tenderness in your heart. Not very many people can do that ... most people just hold on to the hate. I don't think that's really smart cause when you have so much hate in your heart you have no room for love and that's a waste cause you never know who you might have loved. Just a thought.


I took my friend's advice to heart and I hope if there is someone else in a similar situation out there, that they listen to her too.

A Clean Slate

Ever wondered that if you lost your memory, if would you end up being the same person you were before? Would you still have the same political beliefs, same tastes, same likes and dislikes? Now I know that memory loss often only affects explicit memory, like facts, data, names, etc. Implicit memory such as habits, tendencies and preferences are often untouched. I guess I should narrow the scope of the question. If you knew you lost your memory, and if your old friends didn't tell you they were your friends, would you still make friends with them and obtain the same level of friendship as you had pre-memory loss? What about a person you used to have a crush on, or used to be in love with, or an ex? Would you be attracted to them again? Would you even try and pursue a relationship with them? I've often wanted to do that to myself, clean my memory for a couple of years and see if the life I live would be at all similar to the life I live now. Would I still be the slightly neurotic, thrill-seeking, pensive, poetic, over-analyzing, stubborn man I am today? Would I make the same decisions I made in the past?

If you met an old flame or crush, would you feel the same spark that attracted you to them in the first place? I think it'd be interesting if we could have an experiment like that, if everyone lost their memory for a year or so and had a chance to meet everyone that had an impact in their lives. Would we take the same, or at least, similar paths? It's almost too easy to say, "Well, yes of course we would, because who we are hasn't changed just because we lost our memory". But at the same time, you can't deny that sometimes the paths we choose can be limited at that specific time by circumstances. Certainly circumstances are different this second time around right? For example, what if you fell in love with someone, but couldn't pursue them because they're your best friend's ex? If everyone lost their memory, then their wouldn't be that stigma looming over your head (not like you would have remembered that there was one in the first place). But meeting that person again with a clean slate, it'd be interesting to find out where things would lead to after the initial conversation...

"In prosperity our friends know us, in adversity we know our friends." - John Trevor Collins

Happy Birthday!

I started this blog one year ago today. Yup, this collection of words has been my therapist for the past 365 days. How can I not acknowledge it's anniversary? I wonder how many of you have been here with me for this long? Thank you for traversing my thoughts with me, for wading through my insanity and putting in your 2 cents here and there.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown recently and something Kirsten Dunst's character said reflects almost exactly how I want my legacy to carry on.

"Hard to remember, but impossible to forget."

Future Days

Usually when I write a poem, it's either because I have built up emotions in me and I have to release them somehow, or because I receive a sudden burst of emotion which I must translate onto paper. Well, "Future Days" comes from the first reason.

Future Days

In future days, I walk alone
down a forgotten street.
Your memory drifts into my mind
And our eyes again do meet.

As I think of you and I, of us,
A smile I do possess.
As I recall your song, your braids, your deep vast seas,
Your fire, and your caress.

Sweet echoes from years ago
Stir my fire, it never died.
Frozen in time, my love, true love;
Buried deep, and locked inside.

Thy memory still is strong,
An old wound that never healed.
You're the fruit I could not reach,
Thy bounty remains unpeeled.

As my feelings set, reality rises
And my thoughts I do abandon.
I start to turn, all is void
And thus I cease to imagine.

Our eyes do part, you walk away;
My mind becomes a haze.
I resume to walk and wish and hope,
To see you in future days.

This poem came from my fractured psyche of the mid 90's. I was still playing around with emotion evoking imagery. The line "As my feelings set, reality rises", I was of course trying to induce the image of the sunset and sunrise, the dawn of a new day, time to stop dreaming and wake up, which the rest of the stanza suggests.

Poetry with Corner with Sunrise Seeker has now come to an end. We hope you've enjoyed your stay, please come back later for future episodes!

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

House Cleaning

I've often been accused of clinging on to the past... and those accusations would be correct. I'm a memory pack rat, I love reminiscing. Only within the last year or two (and thanks to some good friends), I've begun to realize that the memories I keep are holding me back. Yup, I am a sentimental fool. I've kept chat logs from ICQ and MSN from as far back as the year 2000. I did a very tough thing today (well for me at least), I erased those logs, highlighted my Chat Logs folder and pushed the delete key... yup, ALL GONE!!! I've also taken down some pictures in my room, some very OLD pictures, erased other pictures and memoirs off my computer. It was very therapeutic. And no, they're not sitting in my Recycle Bin, ready for me to click on Recover. They're gone, truly gone, my Recycle Bin is empty. I figure that the important memories, they don't need to reside in some magnetic limbo, waiting for my hard drive to exceed it's lifespan and shuffle off it's mortal coil. The essential ones, will always remain a part of me. But just as significant, it was I who decided to rid myself of those memories, it was I who took control and not let some random act of mechanical failure decide when to let go. Now you might be thinking, "Who cares about some stupid chat logs." And if I heard you say that now, I would probably flash a small grin, and nod ever so gently, in silent agreement.

"Sometimes I guess there just ain't enough rocks." - Forrest Gump

The Struggles Within Part 2

As I've aged (like wine I hope, and not like vinegar) I've been fine tuning the balance between my Heart and Mind. I can be a very extreme person at times: I believe in doing something right or not bother doing it at all, which is as much a weakness as it is a strength in my opinion. When I was younger, my world was ruled by my heart, everything I did was an emotional response. True to my nature, when I tried to apply logic to my world, I overcompensated to the extreme, denying my heart a voice in decisions and as a result I would end up overthinking things and cause myself unneccesary stress and pain. What I didn't realize at the time was the important lesson of balance in life. As I got older, as I understood more of the world, as my eyes opened wider, I started seeing how the world is governed by balance. But more specifically, in my life, I work as hard as I play, I love as hard as I hate, and because I put so much effort into things I do, I usually either pass with flying colours or fail spectacularly. I often fear for people who I see do not live a balanced life, they either work too much, or play too much, or jump in and out of relationships, or focus too much on things outside their control. But just as disciplined I am, I can be just as crazy in the things I do. I like to think I know how to live life, how to enjoy life, it's the little things I give up for the greater good of my physical and emotional health. Balance and moderation are the keys to life.

"Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." - Another wonderful Demotivators quote.

The Struggles Within

I'm my own worst enemy. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I am my own worst antagonist. Maybe it's not so bad? I make my life much more complex than necessary. But it's for my own good.

There are 2 different voices inside of me, often wanting 2 different things. I used to be a creature who followed his heart, but the consequences of that were often a painful life lesson. I learned the hard way to surround my passion in what I thought was the protective shell of logic. I went from one extreme to the other. Again, more pain followed and once more I was taught a precept in life: balance. Everything in this world is centres around balance. Yin must have it's Yang, Dark must try and drown out Light, Good must bring order to Evil... balance! For me, it's a balance of Heart vs. Mind. Quite often the 2 don't agree. But that's a good thing right? I've learned to battle my emotions with logic because neither the heart nor the mind individually knows what's best for you. I guess Freud would say something like "eeets yowrr Id versuss yowrr Superego". So my poor Ego has to suffer as it works overtime mediating the battles that occur in my consciousness. I have a very strong (and what some would call strange) sense of morals. My Superego is something that I myself wouldn't want to dissect. It seems like my hedonistic heart always wants the most amount of pleasure for the least amount of effort. I don't know the process of how I developed my rule, but it's my underlying basic rule of thumb "The right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do." Mind you, that's just a general rule for the important decisions in life. It's not like I'm some super strict maniac bent on denying myself pleasure. I love to have fun too! But I'm talking about the big things here, I don't like to sweat the little things. This post is getting a little long, I have more to say, but maybe we'll make this a 2 part series. =P

"The Universe doesn't keep score, to think so is naive." - Sunrise Seeker