True Colours in Adversity

I believe that the only way to truly see who someone is when are facing true adversity. What a person does when their back is against the wall, or when they're facing insurmountable odds, tells a lot about who they are. Another time when people's true colours shine is when they think no one is watching them. Do they commit deeds of good? Or do they take the route of hedonism no matter the moral implications? I think that's why I like testing myself so much. I like pushing myself, see where my limits are, and I encourage you to do the same thing. I believe that there have been a few moments in my life that have truly tested my core being, and although I have suffered much because of those moments, I know who I am, what I am capable or not capable of doing. Defining one's self I believe is important and thanks to what's happened to me in my life, I am able to do so. I still test myself though, I try not to take the easy way out of things. I am also very competitive. Although it's more of a competition with myself more than anything. For example, when playing sports, I am more happy than if I played my best and lost, then if the opponent was no challenge at all and I won. I enjoy being pushed and I enjoy being tested. Maybe in some future posts I'll describe some of my life defining moments. But it's getting late, and my bed looks pretty inviting.

This is one of the few quotes that I live by, because I am a person who practices what he preaches:

"The right thing to do, is most often the hardest thing to do."
- SunriseSeeker

Turn that Frown Upside-Down

One of my very very good friends said to me, "you sound pretty calm for having that many unfortuate events happen to you". My reply to her was "Yah I'm calm, how else should I be? It's not like I can fight back against life... if I could, you bet your sweet little ass I would. but since I can't, there's not use, so yah, just stay calm and enjoy the things I still have."

My aunt whom I love dearly said to me when I was younger, when I was having all sorts of family problems. She's Chinese, so here is my translation of her words:

"Don't try and fight every battle, don't fight the battles you know you can't win to save your energy for the battles that you can."

%#$^@!#&*$!^ 2005!!!

So yah, just when I thought things were settling down and I could actually start enjoying 2005... I walk back to my car after work last night and find the front passenger side window smashed. Yup, someone broke into my car and of all things, they took just my gym bag. I had some pretty nice shoes and dri-fit shorts and shirt. Also inside was my iPod waist belt, remote and inner earbuds. So not including the window, I'm out $400 worth of stuff. WHY DOES 2005 HATE ME?!?!!?!

No quote this post, too upset...

Poker - Luck vs. Skill (how to win in the long run)

It always kills me when people say there is no skill involved in poker, that it's all luck since your playing cards. Well of course there is luck involved, as there is with ANYTHING that involves random principles. Where skill becomes involved, is how you play the numbers in the long run to stay in the black. If luck was the ONLY factor in gambling, how do casinos stay in business? They do because they have a small edge due to the "house rules". These rules are the rules that the table games follow that allow the casino to make money because of the Law of Large Numbers (Law of Averages). The Law basically states that in the long run, averages WILL play out. BUT, because of the "house rules" and the edge that it gives the casino, the casino will still make money. If you plan to stay in the game in the long run, you need to give yourself the same edge if you play poker. This is where skill becomes involved. Sure you may suffer some pretty bad beats, have several losing sessions in a row. But if you play enough, the Law of Averages will also allow you to give out bad beats and have several winning sessions in a row. Now, if you add skill and discipline into the mix, you can maximize your wins during those winning streaks and minimize your losses during losing streaks as well as sometimes turning what can be a losing session into a small winning session. This is the difference between one who plays cards, and a cardplayer. If you want more advice playing poker, there are MANY online resources available or my recommendation is to buy a poker book. The best free advice I can think of is reading the poker or card player magazines they have lying around in the card rooms at casinos . There are some really good articles by pros and semi-pros in there. Also you can visit another blog maintained by an acquaintance of mine http://pokerkaiedmonton.blogspot.com/ . He is a professional poker player who lives in the same city as me, and I've had the opportunity to see him in live action a couple of times. He's a really good player.

Remember, there definitely is luck involved in poker, but if you want a profitable long-run in poker, learn and develop discipline and skill. Good luck out there!

"The trick to happiness is not learning to get what you want, but to learn to want what you get." - Unknown

Il Mare and Fate

I just finished watching this very good love story called Il Mare. It's a Korean film (looking it up in IMDB, looks like Hollywood is going to attempt to retell it. I hope they don't slaughter the movie since they already have cast on of my LEAST favorite actors, Keanu Reaves). There are some minor holes in the movie, but they shouldn't detract from the overall enjoyment of the movie. I really liked how the movie ended; I just sat there watching the credits, hoping there would be more. How the movie ends, it allows your imagination to take over, and as a lover of good stories, I like it when storytellers leave things to your imagination. I myself though, would have written the ending differently. You can send me a comment and I'd be happy to discuss this movie and my version of the ending.

Watching this movie made me think, can I really fight Fate? I believe that we as creatures of the space and time, are only allowed to walk certain paths in our life, that Fate brings us to crossroads and doors. It is up to us though, to open these doors and choose which roads to take. Fate cannot force our hand to open doors, or force our feet to turn left instead of right at those crossroads. Fate merely presents us the opportunity to open those doors or choose those roads. I don't believe we live a predetermined life, but a life that we choose ourselves, albeit from a number of finite choices. For example, a child who is born in a 3rd world country compared to a child born here, Fate is going to present a VERY different path filled with very different doors and crossroads. I liken life to a path because I also believe that in our lives, different paths and doors sometimes will often meet up again down the road. Also, it allows the notion of paths and doors intertwining with other's paths and doors.

Going along now with another metaphor, the events leading up to this exact moment in my life, have made me believe that life has given me an incomplete deck to play against Fate. While Fate has a full 52 cards to play with and can make the all the hands possible, I am limited to only making weaker hands. So although I may make a pair or at most two Pair and beat Fate when it holds only a lower pair, sometimes even when I make by best hand of top two pair, more often than not Fate can produce a hand that'll slaughter mine. The only thing I can do in life is to keep trying to make two pair and hope that on the things that matter, Fate will only show me a pair. Now how do I combine these two descriptions of Fate into my complete vision of it? Well, I think that each time you beat Fate in a hand, more doors and crossroads open up to you, that you have to keep trying to make the best hand you can in life so you can create opportunities for yourself.

I'm not gonna go down without a fight.

I found this quote after I developed my doors theory on fate, but it shows great minds think alike =P:

"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don`t see the one that has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

Free...

I'm not sure if it's because I was too tired, but I think I may have overcome the ghost that haunts me. I don't still feel the same fire when I am with you, the same feeling of a waking dream when I look into your eyes as we conversate over nothing too important, yet what seems to be the most important topic at hand. I guess only future repetition of being in your company will tell.

I have often wanted to tell you how I feel. So badly, like an infection that I am dying to get rid of and saying to you what I've kept hidden for so long is the only cure. But now, that infection is going away on its own. This reminds me of that series of episodes of Friends where Rachel discovers how Ross feels about her for the first time, but when she meets him at the airport, he is wrapped in some other woman's arms. Later, she leaves a drunken message on Ross' answering machine telling him that she is "over him". Ross, hearing this message, says one of my favorite quotes ever:

"Over me? When were you under me?"

Cats and Dogs

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I was reading another blog, well it wasn't a blog, it was a user page on a community website, anyway, this girl had the most interesting thing to say, and I couldn't have said it better myself. (Copied with her permission)

what's the deal with girls that can't get along with someone
that isn't male? they claim that girls (in general) are stupid, untrustworthy,
or hard to get along with... what they don't understand is that PEOPLE (in
general) are stupid and untrustworthy and I apologize, but you can't get along
with girls by flirting with them. so let's stop making excuses for your
inability to make friends with people that don't have cocks.

It says what I've always believed in. Next time you hear a girl say that they can't get along with other girls, notice what kinda "person" she is, you'll notice a pattern...I know I have.

Another quote that I made when I was a youngin:

"Good things come to those who wait. Good things pass you by if you wait too long." - SunriseSeeker

A Little Window into Me

This is one of the deepest and "truest" things said about me.

"...(he) has a truly poetic soul."

I've never been described like that before, and it actually came as quite a pleasant surprise. I've been told by a few others that readers easily empathize with my words, that my writings often evoke great imagery and emotion. I believe that this is one of the best compliments a writer can receive. But to be told that I have a poetic soul, that takes the cake. It's more than just describes my writings, it describes how I see things, how I think, how I express myself. The notion of a soul indicates something more than mere brain power, that I am more than the sum of my neurons, synapses and electrochemical transmitters. I believe a "poetic soul" describes the passion I have for certain things, a passion to see what's underneath the surface or what lies beyond the unfathomable.

Maybe one day when I'm hard up on something to post on this blog, I'll put up a poem or a short story I've written.

Today's quote comes from one of my favorite poems:

"Do not go gentle into that goodnight. Rage rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas

Compartmentalizing Emotion

I've become kinda scared lately, at how well I can suppress emotion and use such a logical and factual light to see things. I'm a type of person who tries so hard not to be something that I can go overboard in the opposite direction. I believe the best way to analyze feeling and emotion is to step back and take a look and the underlying causes of the emotion and not to tackle the emotions head on. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to just clear the emotion but not the root of the issue. You can't put out a fire by just spraying the top of the flames, you gotta hit the base of the inferno. Back to my first sentence, I guess I've become so good at that type of analysis, at pushing emotion away, to see the "base of the fire", that I'm scared I may be numb to emotion. It's VERY hard for me to open up to someone, to let them in my door, to let them thumb through the pages of my life, to tell them the stories that make me who I am. Over the past 3 years, I've only allowed 2 people in my secret garden, only to have them take a brisk walk through and not only pluck at the few flowers I have growing, but not plant any flowers of their own. But then again, that's not fair, I never asked them to help plant my garden. But it would have been nice, yanno? I guess that's not totally the truth either, one I don't talk to much anymore, but the other I still maintain as a close friend. So I guess she's still helping me tend my garden. But I'm scared that as I compartmentalize my emotions of her more, that I am starting to slowly and irreversibly close my doors. How do you cut yourself off of such deep feelings for someone and still maintain a deep platonic friendship? That's one I still haven't figured out yet.

This quote, is one that I thought of when I was 15:

"Courage isn't about being unafraid, it's about being afraid and facing
your fears anyway." - SunriseSeeker

Random thoughts on a Wednsday night

When does compromising for a relationship start becoming compromising one's self? And what do you do about it?

Does self-discovery = evolution of one's self, or is it a revolution? Does every question have an answer? As we grow older, do you find your tastes (meaning things you enjoy doing, things you tolerate) being more open? Or do you find your tastes becoming more narrow and refined?

Blah, sometimes, I do feel like closing myself off in a nutshell and calling myself king of infinite space.

Today's quote:

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." - Mr.
Garrison

2005 > Me

The year 2005 so far is making me it's bitch. The last 2 months have been one of the worst starts to a year I have ever had. It started with my heart getting broken, then my car's alternator died. But before it went kaput, I guess it had a little talk with the clutch because shortly thereafter, the clutch opts to take a vacation and never coming back. Then my digicam bites the dust, it powers on, but then nothing happens then it just powers off. I take it into Future Shop cause I have the 3 year extended warranty on it. I wait 5 weeks for it. Then I get a call that the damage is NOT COVERED. So now I have a nice camera shaped paperweight. Just as I thought things were going to settle down, just last night my monitor decides it's had enough of me and no amount of begging or coaxing from me well make it display an image.

Thanks 2005, you're my new worst enemy.

Today's entry brought to you by:

"I was down on my luck and feeling low when someone said to me
'Cheer up, things could get worse.' So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse."