Being Afraid to Need Someone

Letting yourself go enough to need someone can be pretty tough for someone who is very independent. I guess for some people it can be a hard thing: caring enough about someone to let them in, open up the gates to your garden and let them walk around freely. Sometimes it can be the fear of depending on them to be in your garden, your vault, so that it doesn't feel as empty that can prevent you from opening up. Let's face it, the secret area we keep locked, once we let someone in, they become a part of it. The thing is, unlike the other treasures in your garden, that person is a thing you can't control. You didn't put it there, which means that they're not a permanent fixture. That means that maybe someday, they may not want to be in there anymore. That's a thought that scares all of us. Keeping the door locked to your vault for too long may also mean that the other person may not want to step inside anymore. Being afraid to need someone can be a tough thing for both people. Another thing about opening yourself up is being vulnerable. I mentioned in the last entry that caring about someone sometimes can mean putting your heart in their hands. Well, when you open up the door, the person stepping through may destroy the fortunes you have locked inside, and that's cause enough for some people to be very reluctant and keep that door locked tight. On the flipside of that same coin though, that person may become the most valued treasure in there. It's always a risk opening up yes, but isn't a lifetime of happiness worth a moment of heartache?

Being single for a long time, and then starting a relationship is tough. You have your own world, your own time, your own things to do. I understand that it's tough to give up things that matter to you. You are a strong person by yourself. It can be a battle at times to step off your firm ground onto a surface that is shaky. Patience, undestanding and of course, communication are the things which can help the venture off terra firma an easier one to take.

"Love is like a mountain, hard to climb, but once you get to the top the view is beautiful." - Daniel Monroe Tuttle

Love...Actually...Maybe?

A very tough thing about letting yourself go enough to really care about someone, and eventually falling in love, is we expect reciprocation. Yes, they say true love doesn't need reciprocation, but I'm talking about the act of falling for someone. What I'm trying to say is that falling for someone means putting your heart into their hands, and that can be a frightening prospect. I think being in love with someone means that your happiness ultimately depends on the other person's happiness. That's a scary thing no? This also reinforces the idea that true love doesn't need reciprocation; all you need is for the other person to be happy. But of course for a fruitful and healthy relationship, the return of love is definitely on top of the checklist of must haves.

"Love isn't blind; it just only sees what matters." - William Curry

Raison d'etre

Someone wrote to me:

i know alot of people must say they relate to your writing. its not exactly relating for me, it was more like realizing. it's well known that being heartbroken is a universal feeling, mostly everyone will feel it one time or another...but honestly when you are in it, you feel like you are the only person in the world who feels that specific way

This is a reason why my blog exists. One of my friends a while back commented in my CBox and asked why I keep this piece of cyberspace alive, why I haven't slayed the demons for good and moved on. I told him that this *is* part of my moving on process, and that if my experiences help at least one other person out there, then it's reason enough to keep it. It's not like I dwell on my past and keep reliving it though, I've moved on.

"Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana

The quote is a little dramatic I realize for the scope of this blog, but that doesn't diminish the reason for its existence. Here I am, spewing forth my mental Jabberwocky (please pardon me, Mr. Carroll for using the title to your awesome poem so liberally), hoping that others out there can get there own meaning, that (like the above quoted person said, when you're drowning in your own pool of pain and misery... well, misery loves company), you are definitely not alone. Knowing that someone else out there knows (or knew) exactly how you feel can help ease the pain. I'm just glad that my little contribution to cyberspace is actually a useful one, well at least to some.