Gone, But Not Forgotten

Yah I've been on hiatus for the last little while... I've run out of thoughts, feelings and words. 2 recent events have drained what's left of my will. Someone ran a red light 2 weeks ago and smashed my car. My company went on strike, and I am in the middle because I don't like the union I am in (but I have no choice but to be a member of) and the company the union is striking against has done some pretty dumb things. I don't want to cross the picket line but at the same time funds are running low. And I am not going to picket because I do not believe in the cause. But yah, 2005 continues to try and kill me (everywhich way besides physically). Sometimes I wish that it would just finish the job. My friends keep saying, "don't worry, that just means next year will be better!". You know, I've learned that life just doesn't work that way. You can't win 'em all, but you sure can lose 'em all. It's not like I'm a quitter, but how many times can you get back up after being smacked down so many times in a row? I know, I know, victory is getting up one more time then you fall down. I can't remember which great person said that, but sometimes you should stay down for the whole 10 count instead of getting back up and getting the shit kicked out of you right? Now before you say a quitter never wins, I gotta say that it takes a smart person to know when to quit. Hey, wait, I feel inspiration coming on...

Objects in Mirror are Deader Than They Appear

Out of breath
Out of words
I scream
but I don't want to be heard.

Out of pain.
Out of tears.
I'm numb,
worn down from the years.

Out of strength.
Out of spirit.
I can't anymore,
just grin and bear it.

Out of soul.
Out of mind.
Life's cruel,
but I'll try and stay kind.

- Sunrise Seeker

Yup, that just came off the top of head in about 10 minutes. The title? I may look alive, but sometimes having a pulse and breath doesn't make me feel alive.

"Whatever doesn't kill you postpones the inevitable." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar.

Chrysalis

It feels good to get over someone. To not feel that pain when someone mentions their name. To know it not only in your head, but in your heart that you are NOT going to be together. The process of building that shell around your heart, to block out the pain so you can heal, then to finally crack that shell so that the new you can breathe again, is a rewarding process. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel that I am definitely making progress. With each passing day I am closer to the top of this deep hole. I'm blindly climbing my way to the top. I'm happy that each step of the way I have friends who willing to help boost me, even a little bit helps. Thanks for the support everyone. I just hope I don't have a relapse...

This quote is one that summarizes my friendship with my close friends:

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker

Darkness in the Light.

I did a 10K run today. It was a run to support cancer research. I've never done a real 10K run before. I mean, I've ran 10K, but not in a race setting. My goal entering the race was to finish in under 50 minutes. Mission accomplished! I finished in 48:26. I know I can actually finish it faster since I paced myself wrong. Maybe around 45 minutes or so. I'm quite proud of myself.

Now on a different, but related subject.

These little accomplishments of mine seem like only half victories to me. Without anyone one in my life to share them with, after the moment passes, after the adrenaline fades, after the rush is gone, I look around, alone in a crowd; the successes in my life seem hollow. Now I know what some of you are going to say, something along the lines of "you should be happy by yourself", "you should love yourself first before you can love anyone else". Yes, I realize that. But this isn't really about that. This is about wanting someone there to share my joys, my laughter, my proud moments, along with my sadness, my tears, and my not so proud moments with me. I afraid to say that at this moment, that that someone is still her. I really wish it wasn't. In my head, at least, I wish it really wasn't... but alas my heart is the greatest antogonist to my sanity. UGGGHHH, I dunno. Maybe I've just attended too many weddings in the last 2 years (5 last year and 5 this year, and at LEAST 2 more next year) and have heard too many toasts to the newlyweds by too many BestMen and Maids of Honour.

I'm scared. And with each passing year, the fear grows: I don't want to die alone.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis

There Will Come a Time

There will come a time,
when I won't miss you so much;
there will come a time,
when I won't need to feel your touch.

There will be a time
that when I hear you speak,
my hands won't tremble so
and my knees won't be this weak.

The day will come I know,
when I'll be back to content.
That day will come I hope,
when I won't think we're meant

to be with one another,
and that it wasn't fate
which introduced us to each other
that unforgettable date.

There will come one morning,
when I wake up in my bed,
I look forward to that morning,
when the first thought in my head

is not of how I think
that we're two halves of a one.
I've got to stop believing
that without you I'm undone.

For that time will come
when my heart is not confined,
and that day will come
when you're no longer on my mind.

- Sunrise Seeker