Kain

Wow, was my last post really more than 2 years ago?

I used to write because it needed to. It wasn't a want, it was a NEED. If I didn't put my thoughts down it would literally drive me crazy. That's the reason why I stopped writing: the NEED slowly disappeared until I no longer had a thought that if not put down on virtual ink, would override my ability to function.

So why am I posting now? I had a conversation tonight that talked about a tattoo I have on my body, and when I explained the story behind it, the people thought it was really cool. So I though I should share it.

This is a post about a video game character that changed my life. I first met Kain from Final Fantasy 4 in 1991 (note: it was FF2 when it was released back then with the SNES). It was a rough time in my life: I was 16 at the time, my parents were a few years divorced, my family life was shit, I was losing my identity, it's pretty safe to say it was a very dark time in my life. Video games were an escape for me and when I came across FF4, it was MIND BLOWING. It was the first video game that made me cry (Palom and Parom: BREAK!), the first video game that made me question myself as a person. In my mind, it is tied for best FF with FF6. I know to some out there, that would seem like blasphemy since 6 is mostly regarded as the best FF. But for me, the reason why 4 is the best is because of Kain. Those who don't know FF4, Kain is NOT the main character, but he is the main character's best friend. I am not going to go into detail about FF4's plot, you should DEFINITELY play the game. But I will reveal the important parts about Kain. Kain was in love with the main character's (who was also his best friend) girlfriend. Long story short, he betrayed them both. Later we learn that he was possessed by an evil sorcerer. Although his friends forgave him, he tells them that he never would have been able to be possessed had he not already had darkness in his heart and evil thoughts in his head. Kain, from that point knows that it will be a battle to have darkness in his heart, but that he must fight it everyday and to do the right thing. A 16 year old me knew that I was Kain. I knew that I had darkness in my heart and evil thoughts in my head. But I also knew that I had a light inside me. Those who have read my past posts know that I try and live the way my grandfather raised me, to be a good person, to make the world a better place, he put that light inside me. I knew that it would be a constant struggle in my life, to push away the voices in my head that told me I that I was shit, that I was a loser, that I didn't deserve happiness. I had to ignore the thoughts that told me I should hurt people, to do just what makes me feel good and ignore the consequences. Yes, at time I have lost a battle, but I like to believe that I am winning the war. It's gotten much easier as I have gotten older to win battles, but I must never assume that I've completely won the war. I have done bad things in the past, and I might continue to do some.  But as long as I truly repent, try my best to learn from my mistakes, make up for them and not repeat them, as long as I do my best to do good things, that's the important part. It taught me to accept a part of me but to not let it take over my life.

It's not what you think or what you feel that defines who you are, it's the actions that you take.  It wasn't until about 2 decades later that I decided to place Kain as a permanent reminder on my body, but in my mind it was long overdue.

"Happiness is a decision, not the results of how life treats you." - Unknown

P.S. I never played the After Years but I fully intend to. Has anyone who has played the After Years let me know how it is? Is it worth playing through? Does it capture the essence of FF4?

Labrinth - Jealous

For BB

"When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead.  It is difficult only for others.  It is the same when you are stupid."- Rickey Gervais

I Think I Just Levelled Up on the Internet!

I actually made someone else on a forum see my point of view and agree with it!! Anyway, now to continue on from my last post. Ok. I know that the Internet is full of trolls and haters. But for the most part, on most social media are "yes" sheep. Some person will post a picture of themselves and everyone on their friends list will be like "Oh you look good!" or "absolutely beautiful". Most people won' t say a negative thing because they want to be liked on social media. They are there to make themselves feel better about themselves. So to achieve that, they Like and submit only positive comments on other's posts so that they themselves will receive the same type of Likes and positivity on their posts. It's a huge fucking circle jerk of mutual masturbation. It's gotten to the point where people post the most useless things. People are so afraid to be disliked that they pile on praise and positivity on people that have no business being celebrated. Granted, I've avoided social media because of my disdain of this jerk-off circle, so I don't know all sides of it. But I am pretty sure I've seen enough of it to support these opinions on social media. So what is the point I am trying to make with this and the last post? That social media promotes an unhealthy level of narcissism. It causes people to be addicted to be lauded and seek attention. What's the solution? I only have one. People just need not to care so much about what other people think about them and seek approval. Be happy with yourself and stop comparing your life to others.

"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world.  Today I am wise so I am changing myself" - Rumi

I just heard the stupidest thing tonight

"Kylie Jenner is crippled by her fame."

GIMME A FUCKING BREAK.  Don't get me wrong, I can understand that superstars can absolutely be mobbed so much that they can't go grocery shopping or down to 7-11 for a slurpee in peace.  But Kylie Jenner, you know what?  If you don't want to be famous, get the FUCK OFF TV AND SOCIAL MEDIA.  Ok, so the TV part, I understand, she may have a contract that requires her to fulfill a quota for screen time.  But seriously, if you don't want to be famous then stay off social media.  The problem with most, and notice I say MOST people on social media is that they're all fucking "yes" sheep.  They will never say a negative thing and always be ohhh sooooooo super supportive.  Where the problem with that is, is that the environment on social media reinforce heavily promotes narcissism.  Sorry, I gotta run to hockey now, I do have more to say but not enough time to get it all out.

"Happiness is a decision, not the results of how life treats you." - Unknown

Appraisal

In today's society too many of us confuse the Price of something with it's Value.

"True friends aren't the one who are with you during your highest of highs, but the ones who are with you during your lowest of lows" - Anonymous

Lessons from a TV show

I was watching Parenthood the other night and someone said this about relationships:

"Pretending you're happy is worse than being miserable"

That really struck a chord with me and I thought about how many times I pretended to be happy, and that progressed to thinking about how many people in this world are "worse than being miserable".

As my thought tunnel widened, I started thinking what point in a relationship going badly, do you stop and say to yourself "Am I just pretending to be happy?  Is it time to stop fighting, cut my losses and move on?"  You never want to give up too early on a relationship, but then again you never want to waste your time struggling for something that will never be.  But I guess that's part of life, trying to figure out what what is worth fighting for, and when to give up.

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy.  If she's easy, she won't be amazing.  If she's worth it, you won't give up.  If you give up, you're not worthy...  Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Sometimes I Wish the World Was Blind...

... just so that I could walk around in public with no clothes on.

"The intelligent want self-control; children want candy." - Rumi

v.32 BIS

The problem with watching so much porn before I got high speed internet is that I get really horny when I hear the dial-up modem noise... or fax machines.