The Dangers of Default Emotions

I have a confession to make. In my younger years I often claimed to be a victim because it was easier to place blame on something besides myself. It was easier than admitting I was wrong, easier to blame circumstance, or the other person when I clearly had a share of wrong-doing. I'm getting better at that now, at pointing the finger at myself when things don't go my way. This leads me to the main point of this entry.

Is it possible that we have lived with fear, anger, or sadness for so long that it becomes comfortable to us? Is it conceivable that we can use the emotion as a pillow, as a fallback? Is it also supposable that that emotion becomes so overriding, so ingrained in our psyche, that it drowns out other emotions and becomes a default emotion/reaction? The answer of course is yes. I believe that it is completely in the realm of possibility that a person has soaked themselves in so much fear, hate, anger or victimization that they need that feel that emotion in order for their world to seem "right". It is definitely unhealthy for these people to hold on to that default emotion. This can also be true for more "positive" emotions. Always seeing the world with rose-colored glasses is an example that comes to mind. So how do you get someone to take of those glasses, or get someone to not always think that they are the victim? I wish I had an answer, or at least one that's within the scope of this blog.

"The past should be remembered, not relived." - Unknown

Life's Little Victories

I've tried hard recently to overcome my fears in the recent past. Not the major demons that still haunt me, but defeating even the little ones deserves some recognition no?

About a year ago, a group of us went to visit a friend in Calgary. She lived on the 4th floor and had a balcony that extended the entire floor. In the morning, while everyone was still getting ready to go out, I decided it would be a good time to use the balcony to try and get over my fear of heights. My friend came out to find me, and seeing me standing on the corner, snapped a few pics without me knowing, this being one of them:

I stood on that ledge for 15-20 minutes, swallowing all the butterflies, trying not to let my weak knees or trembling limbs be the reason I lost my balance and experience freefall for a few brief seconds. Did it work? I'm not sure. I know that aversion therapy takes more than one session. But every time the breeze behind me picked up even a little, causing my body to sway away from the safety of the concrete behind me, causing the nausea and dizziness to grow, I fought every instinct to step back towards my safe haven, and instead to continue, to endure overlooking the ledge although my brain screamed at every muscle in me being to move back.

Bare with me here, I am about to jump to another related anecdote.

Came back from a snowboarding trip last weekend, and conquered another one of my fears. I love jumps, grabbing air, or at least I did when I skied (I skied for 11 years before I took up riding 4 years ago). However, my riding skills aren't that spectacular. This last trip, the snow was rather shitty, so my friend and I spent most of our time in the terrain park, trying to improve our jumps. Well, it was the last run of the day and I was approaching the jump with considerably high velocity. But instead of slowing down like I usually would out of fear of serious injury, I said "fuck it, let's do this shit" and grabbed the biggest air ever in my life; even managed to perform a decent grab.



Yes, I'm pleased with myself. I am proud of the little internal victory I achieved. I faced a fear and beat it, and it feels good. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but try it, just something small. It may needn't be a huge fear, just do something that frightens you a little, something outside your comfort circle. Don't be discouraged if you don't succeed, learn from it, and don't do the same thing next time =). Endure, win life's little victories, it makes life worth living and much more fun and interesting.

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

Letting Go of the Hate

I wrote this 5 years ago in a semi-private journal I had.

I'm more messed up than I thought I was... for those who don't know, my ex and I work at the same place. Well, not anymore, last night was her last shift... and as much as I hate that bitch, for some strange reason I can't explain... when I looked at her old locker, and saw the absence of her lock, I felt this queer empty feeling inside me, like I was going to miss her. And just as that feeling hit, I felt all disgusted with myself and thought "how the hell can I miss someone that's cheated on me twice and lied to me so many times?" But then during my next break, I found my eyes wandering towards the direction of her locker, and a small part of me wishes that the lock was still there.... sigh... I need WAAAAAAY more therapy than I originally thought.

One of my good friends (back then) wrote this as a reply:

I don't think you need therapy cause you feel like you miss your ex (when she left work) who cheated and lie to you so many times. I think it's actually quite normal. It makes you human and you should feel good about it 'cause no matter how much a person hurts you you still are able to find a teeny weeny bit of love and tenderness in your heart. Not very many people can do that ... most people just hold on to the hate. I don't think that's really smart cause when you have so much hate in your heart you have no room for love and that's a waste cause you never know who you might have loved. Just a thought.


I took my friend's advice to heart and I hope if there is someone else in a similar situation out there, that they listen to her too.