House Cleaning

I've often been accused of clinging on to the past... and those accusations would be correct. I'm a memory pack rat, I love reminiscing. Only within the last year or two (and thanks to some good friends), I've begun to realize that the memories I keep are holding me back. Yup, I am a sentimental fool. I've kept chat logs from ICQ and MSN from as far back as the year 2000. I did a very tough thing today (well for me at least), I erased those logs, highlighted my Chat Logs folder and pushed the delete key... yup, ALL GONE!!! I've also taken down some pictures in my room, some very OLD pictures, erased other pictures and memoirs off my computer. It was very therapeutic. And no, they're not sitting in my Recycle Bin, ready for me to click on Recover. They're gone, truly gone, my Recycle Bin is empty. I figure that the important memories, they don't need to reside in some magnetic limbo, waiting for my hard drive to exceed it's lifespan and shuffle off it's mortal coil. The essential ones, will always remain a part of me. But just as significant, it was I who decided to rid myself of those memories, it was I who took control and not let some random act of mechanical failure decide when to let go. Now you might be thinking, "Who cares about some stupid chat logs." And if I heard you say that now, I would probably flash a small grin, and nod ever so gently, in silent agreement.

"Sometimes I guess there just ain't enough rocks." - Forrest Gump

The Struggles Within Part 2

As I've aged (like wine I hope, and not like vinegar) I've been fine tuning the balance between my Heart and Mind. I can be a very extreme person at times: I believe in doing something right or not bother doing it at all, which is as much a weakness as it is a strength in my opinion. When I was younger, my world was ruled by my heart, everything I did was an emotional response. True to my nature, when I tried to apply logic to my world, I overcompensated to the extreme, denying my heart a voice in decisions and as a result I would end up overthinking things and cause myself unneccesary stress and pain. What I didn't realize at the time was the important lesson of balance in life. As I got older, as I understood more of the world, as my eyes opened wider, I started seeing how the world is governed by balance. But more specifically, in my life, I work as hard as I play, I love as hard as I hate, and because I put so much effort into things I do, I usually either pass with flying colours or fail spectacularly. I often fear for people who I see do not live a balanced life, they either work too much, or play too much, or jump in and out of relationships, or focus too much on things outside their control. But just as disciplined I am, I can be just as crazy in the things I do. I like to think I know how to live life, how to enjoy life, it's the little things I give up for the greater good of my physical and emotional health. Balance and moderation are the keys to life.

"Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." - Another wonderful Demotivators quote.

The Struggles Within

I'm my own worst enemy. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I am my own worst antagonist. Maybe it's not so bad? I make my life much more complex than necessary. But it's for my own good.

There are 2 different voices inside of me, often wanting 2 different things. I used to be a creature who followed his heart, but the consequences of that were often a painful life lesson. I learned the hard way to surround my passion in what I thought was the protective shell of logic. I went from one extreme to the other. Again, more pain followed and once more I was taught a precept in life: balance. Everything in this world is centres around balance. Yin must have it's Yang, Dark must try and drown out Light, Good must bring order to Evil... balance! For me, it's a balance of Heart vs. Mind. Quite often the 2 don't agree. But that's a good thing right? I've learned to battle my emotions with logic because neither the heart nor the mind individually knows what's best for you. I guess Freud would say something like "eeets yowrr Id versuss yowrr Superego". So my poor Ego has to suffer as it works overtime mediating the battles that occur in my consciousness. I have a very strong (and what some would call strange) sense of morals. My Superego is something that I myself wouldn't want to dissect. It seems like my hedonistic heart always wants the most amount of pleasure for the least amount of effort. I don't know the process of how I developed my rule, but it's my underlying basic rule of thumb "The right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do." Mind you, that's just a general rule for the important decisions in life. It's not like I'm some super strict maniac bent on denying myself pleasure. I love to have fun too! But I'm talking about the big things here, I don't like to sweat the little things. This post is getting a little long, I have more to say, but maybe we'll make this a 2 part series. =P

"The Universe doesn't keep score, to think so is naive." - Sunrise Seeker