That has got to be one of life's worst questions. That's why I had to do what I did recently: I let "Her" know everything. My feelings, my poems, my blog, everything. It took some time, and talking to another friend who was extremely helpful, but I now realize that because of circumstances, I am not going to get the answer I want. Bad timing is my curse. Now begins the painful process of distancing and recovery. Some people have questioned whether or not I did the right thing in telling Her how I felt although (I thought) she had a boyfriend at the time. Sometimes the wrong thing must be done for the right reason. I needed closure, I needed to stop the bleeding, even though it meant chopping off an infected limb. I admit it, it was a selfish act, but for my own god forsaken sanity it needed to be done. What was I hoping for, telling her? i'm not sure, it's not like I wanted her to drop everything in her life and answer "I want to be with you." It's not like I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend and run into my arms. I just needed to lay everything out on the table so that there would NOT be the question "what if...?". I've burned too many hours and too many tears on "what if's" in the past. Although many more hours and tears have and will pass by this time, at least it will be for a recovery process and not in asking that brooding, dreadful question.
To those that read this, if you take anything away with you from reading my words, let it be this. It may embarass you, it may humble you, heck, it may even hurt you to the point where you want to shut yourself in a hole for months, but do it, do the things you're scared of doing, because one thing you CANNOT do in life is go back in the past to resolve issues, you CANNOT move on while there are lingering questions, you CANNOT get closure if you can ask "what if...?". After you crawl out of the hole, at least you can live with "at least I tried" which is a million times better than "what if...?". Trust me on this one.
"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever does kill you, well, pretty much makes you dead." - Anonymous
5 comments:
You are soooo brave! I admire the fact that you were able to look the devil in the eye and face your problems. Not many people are capable of facing their fears. I must say that rejection is extremely painful, but sitting there dwelling on your "what if's" would definitly just eat your heart away. I hope that you will be able to find someone who you can truly care about again. All I have to say is DON'T EVER GIVE UP!
Heck ya rejection is painful. But you'll never get anything worth having staying in one's comfort zone and not risking anything.
Thanks for the support, I WON'T GIVE UP!!!
Here, read this
http://all-encompassing-blub.blogspot.com
Not mine, but seems to fit.
Thx for the page ethan. I can't view your blog though, when I click on your name it brings me to a page that says "Profile Not Available".
Anyway, that email that that user put up is a good summary of life's lessons. Thanks again for sharing.
oops, should be fixed now.
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