"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." - Wendy, age 8
Monday, May 09, 2005
Payment Due
Do you feel like you owe your parents for raising you? I have a friend who used to work at his parent's bakery, and when another friend jokingly asked how much he got paid he answered that he's the one who still owes his parents because they raised him. That got me thinking. Although my parents officially divorced when I was 14 or so, they had been separated for so long that my dad wasn't around much to "raise" me. As for my mom, although she brought the groceries and paid the utilities, did she really raise me? Do I really owe my mom? You see, I was quite emotionally abused by my mother, older brother, and older sister when I was growing up. I had no role models growing up, no one to look up to. Wait, that's not true either. My grandpa was a very positive role model, and I think that's where I get my profound sense of right and wrong from. Anyway, back to my immediate family, the only thing they taught me was how NOT to treat someone and how to endure constant verbal and emotional abuse. Although they cooked for me, clothed me, and put a roof over my head, do I really owe them? In fact, a huge part of who I am and was growing up, was because I wanted to be someone exactly the opposite of my mom, dad, brother and sister. Sometimes I'm amazed at the way I turned out considering the lack of family values I had and my circle of friends when I was younger. I'm pretty sure that had I taken a couple of different turns on the path I've walked, I would be at a much different place right now. So to my own question I guess this is the answer: my family may have provided me with the material fodder I needed growing up, but none of the emotional sustenance. I raised myself. The only person I owe is my grandpa, may he rest in peace, and it is in his memory that I try to do the things I do to make this world a better place.
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8 comments:
them bringing you up? they had a part in placing you on this earth, you're a part of them. does that not account for anything? if there was no them, there prolly wouldn't be you. as a parent, wouldn't you want your own child to be greatful for that? yes perhaps they didn't raise you into the person you are today, but i'm sure they had an integral part in shaping you into the person you are today.
.hidden
I guess I am their flesh and blood, and I will always owe them that, and there are kids out there who were treated even worse than I was. I have already forgiven them for the past...Maybe it's time I saw my glass as half full instead of half empty on this issue?
*thumbs up* ;) yesh, half full!
i understand where you're coming from though, it's difficult when you were hurt at such a young age, the scar is much more ingrained and would require a great deal of time to heal. Perhaps you can take your own advice "...it hurts when you have to open the wound and start bleeding it, but the end result is worth the pain..."
This reminded me of you when i read it, it's an excerpt from a book i've been slowly reading:
Many people are driven by resentment and anger. They hold on to hurts and never get over them. Instead of releasing their pain through forgiveness, they rehearse it over and over in their minds. Some resentment-driven people "clam up" and internalize their anger, while others "blow up" and explode it onto others. Both reponses are unhealthy and unhelpful.
Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.
Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past connot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go.
.hidden
I don't continue to hurt through the past. I've already forgiven my family. I just feel that I don't "owe" them anything. We have an understanding now about what has happened in the past. That's some great advice though, thanks.
From experience, I have seen many people resent their parents for all the pain they have put them through, no matter in the present or in the past. Those people would swear left, right and center that they will never become like them. But ironically, being that they are only human, they somehow become their parents...it's like a blueprint.Do you think that this is your destiny? To become like one of them? What do you think will stop this cycle?
Yes, I've seen it too. I think that behaviour is one part genetics, one part environment. The product of genetic programming can often be altered by environmental factors. Yes, I am one that swears left right and centre that I WILL NOT be like my parents, but I guess only time will tell.
Greetings,
I don't know what you went through growing up. ..but I feel that your family is a large part of how you are today.
Even though you may never want to be the same as they were to you....you owe them for becoming who are you today.
Yes, they did help shape in a large way for being who I am today. But owe them? You mean like how society "owes" a criminal? Let's just say I was emotionally abused as a child. Being the youngest child, my mother and older siblings often used me as their beating dummy when they got frustrated with their lives. Like I said, they provided the physical sustenace I needed growing up, but none of the intellectual or emotional. I'm not sure what I owe them... anyway, we're all on much better terms now, we have had many family talks and healing sessions. My family now is not the same family I grew up with, so I am ignoring the past and starting new with my new family, and it's a much better family this time around.
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