For Winter's Snow

It's the end of April and it's snowing in some parts of my city. Yep, Edmonton, where it once snowed in the middle of June. There's a saying about Alberta: "If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes." Anyway, this cold weather reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back called Winter's Snow. I wrote it while studying at the University of Alberta, in the Student's Union Building (SUB). It was winter of course, and it was a beautiful day, the Sun was beaming and its light perfectly highlighted a fresh snowfall from the night before. I was studying near a window and looked out; I love the frosted look of trees and buildings a fresh snowfall brings. Add to that a clear blue sky and the Sun's warmth making everything glow... inspiration was instantaneous. I wrote this poem in about 5 minutes and took another 5 to edit it.

For Winter's Snow

They kiss the ground
so soft and pure.
Without a sound,
My heart they lure.
Into a trance
My thoughts do flow,
My mind does dance
For winter's snow.

With life they drift,
Soft as a feath'r.
Yes, nature's gift,
'Gainst cold weather.
Like l'amour in France
My feelings show,
My heart does dance
For winter's snow.

Snow swept scenes,
Come, hear me shout,
The summer greens
I can do without.
And if by chance
These flakes do go,
My soul will still dance
For winter's snow.

I'm Dry...

Tonight I logged on to Blogger, with so many things to say. But the funny thing is, I'm going to end up saying nothing at all. As I typed away, the sentences produced on my screen made less and less sense. I couldn't string together a coherent frickin' thought if my life depended on it. Work has me stressed out lately, and I've been getting these pangings of loneliness. Why am I so picky? It's not like I can force myself to be attracted to someone right? Someone asked me how things are going in the girl department and I responded with "The department's been closed for repairs." She then told me not to close shop because there definitely are girls browsing. I hear all the time that there are "girls out there, and that I'm just not paying attention". She said that maybe no one of my type is browsing to which I responded "Either way, it looks empty." All my friends say I'm too picky and I admit that I can be picky, but at the same time I'm not. I can't choose who I am attracted to right? To me, it's all about chemistry. I can sit down and talk to the prettiest girl but if I don't feel like there's a connection, then although I may be physically attracted to her, I'm not going to try and pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand, I've dated girls that may not turn heads, but whom I have a connection with and thoroughly enjoy being with. A deeper level of attraction than just physical is required for me to start giving up things in my life to start spending more time with a girl. I'm sure you all know this, but I'll just say it anyway. Personality can make a less physically attractive person beautiful, and a physically attractive person ugly. I truly believe that as I know people who embody the dichotomy. Am I picky? Maybe. I want someone who is beautiful to me on the inside, for physical beauty can fade, but inner beauty is a much more resilient product. Is it too much to ask? It's been almost 4 years that I've been single, so the answer so far, seems like it's "Yes".

"Understanding is a lot like sex; it's got a practical purpose, but that's not why people do it, normally." - late physicist Frank Oppenheimer on amateur scientists and their passionate curiosity.

Definition of Love?

I find it funny when people ask, "What is love?" or "How do you know when you're in love?" because my explanation is so long winded. You see, the problem with answering those questions is that love exists on so many levels. Friends, family, significant other, even something you LOVE to do. No matter which of these categories it exists in, if you love something, it will lighten your heart and make you smile, even if only on the inside, when you think of it. The feeling of love for me, propels me to seek out its source, expend all your energies to be with it, and fight for it till I can't fight anymore. Everyone falls in love, but it's not always with a person. Some people love their work, others love a hobby. Love is a paradox: how can the purest and simplest of feelings cause so much confusion? The reason why there's no ONE feeling of love, is because it is grown, grown inside of us. No one can thrust love upon you, take your head and drown you in a pool of it. And since each one of us is an individual, the feelings of love that we grow, are just as individual. That is why I cannot tell you whether you're in love or not. I myself have been in love a few times, have had love change from a deep, boyfriend/girlfriend love to a platonic friend love and even vice versa. How do you know when you're in love? Only you can answer that question.

This quote comes from one of my heroes in life. If I could sit down and chat with ANYONE in the world, dead or alive, it would be Albert Einstein. The reason why I think he's a genius, is not only because of all of his incredible discoveries, but because how he can take his most complex ideas and translate them so that mere idiots (like me) can understand them. I believe that is where true intelligence comes in, is in being able to take a complex idea and mentally rotate and transform it so you can introduce that idea in others in an understandable and comprehensible way.

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

Sorry boys and girls. I've been too busy lately to write in here. I've been (trying) picking up a LOT of sports this year. I took my new set of golf clubs out to the range for the first time ever and for the first time this season and that was a BRUTAL combination. Just finished a ice hockey tournament and placed 3rd, I'm also in a roller hockey tournament this weekend. I'm actually quite impressed with myself at how much I'm NOT hurting. Last night I played 2 games of ice, then volleyball for 2 and a half hours, then a game of roller after that. This morning I finished off my ice tournament (finished 3rd!! WOOOOT!) and right now is down time for roller in about 4 hours. Tomorrow I finish the roller tourney, but gonna play some basketball first (which is another sport I'm getting back into this summer). The other sports I want to get back into are badminton, volleyball, tennis and running. I don't think there's enough hours in a day or days in a week for me to do it all, but Imma die trying!!! Anyway, I'll try not to make too many "list of what I did today" posts as I find them quite boring myself when I read other blogs like that. I just did this one to let you guys know I'm still alive and kickin' and to apologize for not writing. Well, unless you guys actually care how my day went and maybe I'll post more like this. Why not let me know by leaving a comment? :D

Just so that this post isn't a total waste:

"Wisdom is the quality that helps keep you out of situations where you need it." - Unknown

Do Not Fix Me I'm Not Broken

"You gotta hit rock bottom." I know we've all heard it. It's almost a cliche. What I'm here to do today, is to explain why sometimes, we DO have to hit rock bottom, and how it can be a very rewarding experience. When I say rock bottom, I don't mean just being broken here or there, I am talking about the total and utter shattering of one's non-physical self. How can such a catastrophic event be therapeutic? When one have nothing to lose, this is when one can ask the most difficult and honest questions about one's self and also produce the most truthful and unwanted answers. Rock bottom is the best time for self reflection and self discovery. The ascension out of the pit is a process of picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. There is much strength required to pick up those pieces of yourself and start bonding those pieces not knowing what the final sculpture will be. It's like walking a path to which the destination is unknown. The cracks in the sculpture where the pieces fit together are part of the new you, they are integral to the finished product. Don't let them be the weakpoints in the rebuilt you. Instead, treat them like scars: they are tougher than the skin underneath. That's the difference between the weak and the strong, is how they choose to live with their imperfections and defeats. The cracks that you see are my battle scars, they are as important as the finished product itself. Me? Don't try and fix me, I'm not broken.

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke

It Was At That Moment

I was reading through my blog, and I said I would do 2 things. One was to write one of my life defining moments and the other was to post a short story or poem I wrote. Since I accomplished the former in my last entry, I thought that with this entry I would finish the latter. So without further ado:


It Was At That Moment
It was at that moment when I opened the door to the bus station and stepped outside into the cold winter morning I realized that she was gone from my life. A warm tear crept down my cheek as I ran towards the car, fighting off the stinging cold and the cold sting of realization.

Maybe I should have said more to her, how everything about her drove me nuts. From the way her hair fell over her face, to the way she folded her legs when she sat, to the way she became all excited and giddy when she talked about something she really liked. Should I have told her how hard I had tried not to like her, how the feelings slowly crept up from behind and knocked me on my ass? Should I have said to her how the past couple of months have been a tumultuous joyride of happiness and repressed pain? No. Too much had been said already, but it still wasn't everything I had wanted to say.

It was too late now anyway.

I sat down in the car and turned on the ignition. Warm air started blowing through the vents and stirred the air inside the cabin. Her sweet smell still lingered and caught me off guard. Unconsciously I slowly closed my eyes and drew in a slow breath of the scent. I traveled back 2 minutes in the past, when I was warm and still in her embrace. Yes, it was the same scent I drew from her hair as we hugged goodbye for the last time. Had I done the right thing? Was not letting her know how I really felt the correct course? Yes, was the unwanted answer. After all, she was moving, moving to start a new life, a better life. According to my own set of rules, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do.

As the car warmed up I pulled out onto the street. I glanced back at the window where she was sitting to try and steal one last glimpse... but she had already got up from her seat and moved on.

Today's Quote:

"Always remember, others may hate you. Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." - Richard Nixon

A Life Defining Moment.

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I've never hit a woman out of anger in my entire life. I mean, I've punched them in jest and for fun, but never with malicious intent. Only once in my life have I ever even thought about hitting a woman. One of my ex's, she cheated on me twice and lied to me in front of my face and even accused ME of cheating on her. Believe it or not, that's really not the worst that she did to me. She REALLY screwed me around in other ways. There just came a point where the anger and frustration welled up inside me so much that I thought I was going to explode. That was the moment when I was EXTREMELY close to hitting a woman. It took every ounce of restraint and self control I had to stay my hand, turn, and walk away. That incident frightened me in a way that I had never been frightened before. When push comes to shove, what am I REALLY capable of? I mean, I never EVER thought that in my life I'd ever even come close to hitting a woman. That incident was damn close. It's kind of a dark subject. Most of us really do not know how we would act in a crisis or panic situation, or what we're really capable of doing if push came to shove. For those who don't believe, I really do have a dark side to me. Only a few people that I've ever talked to in my life know about it. Once in my life, I would like to see what that side of me is capable of doing if it were allowed free reign of my faculties... It's a notion, that at the same time, I hope that never realizes itself, quite the paradox if you think about it. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Those who have made the mistake, are the few who have seen my dark side. I'm a very tolerant person. It takes A LOT to get on my bad side (usually repeated abuse of my kindness and tolerance), but if you do, may god have mercy on your soul, MOUOUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaaaahahahahahaaa. And for those of you who know me and think "I can't imagine at all that you could be capable of being really mean" (I've gotten that response many times), just keep thinking that way. For the most part, it's true.

This next part is in response to a comment left on the previous post, T.G.I.F.,

I am totally speechless. Honestly, what you said ranks up there in the top 5 most memorable things said to me. It gives me much joy and motivation to know that my words are making a difference and that I'm just not talking to myself out here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Today's quote:

"It isn't so much that people are against you as they are for themselves" - from the book "Life is a Taxi Ride"

T.G.I.F.!

I'd rather have people know me for who I am inside instead of what I look like. I'd rather have people read a piece of my writing or hear my words and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" than have them look at a pic of me and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" Outward appearances are easily changed, personality is not. I'd rather have people discover me inside out instead of outside in. On a related note, people who I meet in person first, and then read my writings, tell me that they're quite surprised that I am capable of more than just grunts and mumbles. On the flipside, people who read what I write in here first, and then meet me later are
surprised on my physical appearance. I guess it's not REALLY that surprising really. I'm the kind of person that likes to keep people on their toes. I try hard to break away from stereotypes. And I like to surprise people with different aspects of my persona. Just like Shrek, "I'm an onion." =) On an unrelated note, how often do you try to repair a boat that just keeps springing leaks? I think it's time to abandon ship.

Today's quote is something I've always felt but never voiced in a "capture the idea in a sentence" kinda way. It amazes me how many people see the world in such a defined way. Those people should realize that there's shades of grey and colour in EVERYTHING, that there's a at LEAST one exception to every rule. They should realize because we are humans, and therefore susceptible to human nature, that hard and fast rules only apply to a majority. But to truly understand life and people, you need to look beyond those stereotypes and turn your attention to the unseen, the undefined.

"See the world in black and white, and you'll miss the colours of life." - SunriseSeeker