What They Don't Know CAN Hurt Them

I've been reading over my blog, and I almost sound like a self-help book. I dislike self-help books because all they do is tell you what you already know, or should be common sense. But at the same time people need self-help books because sometimes they need a good smack in the head to get them to listen to what should be common sense. Anyway, on with the show.

Today's blog entry is all about one word.

Communication.

Yep that's it: sea oh em em you en eye sea ay tee eye oh en. Communication.

Why would I devote an ENTIRE entry on one word? Because I think the failure of it in a relationship = the failure of the relationship. People change, and if the relationship is to keep up with the people, then it needs to change too. I had this whole essay planned out for this entry, but I'm sure none of you need examples of miscommunication, of how LISTENING is not the same as HEARING, and of how UNDERSTANDING is not the same as LISTENING. I've learned through experience, that just because you think you are understanding what the other person is saying, it doesn't make it so. It could be that they aren't using the correct words to convey their ideas, or that your interpretation of their words is not the same as theirs. When I have an argument with someone, I try and make sure that we're on the same page. It can be just as simple as saying "When you said this, I took it to mean this, is that right?".

The other part to communication is speaking your mind when something troubles you. You are being unfair to the other person if you are getting upset at them for doing something and not letting them know how it makes you feel. Yes, you read me right, YOU, UNFAIR. Now, if you told them what's up and they keep hurting you, then totally it's their fault. But if you don't let them know how their actions make you feel, YOU are the one in the wrong. That goes the same for when they do something that you really makes you happy and you don't let them know. I hate seeing couples break up because they grow apart because they don't discuss how the other's actions makes them feel. How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them. The classic "Well I'm not going to tell you you don't know what you did wrong?" is just plain ludicrous (it may seem rational when you're in the heat of the moment saying it, but it's not right, trust me, I've been there, it's NOT right). Remember, most feelings are emotions caused by actions. You can't suppress the feelings and hope they'll go away, you need to tackle the feelings from the source. Yes, that's right, you need to confront the actions that cause them. Remember, you put out the fire by attacking the base, not by spraying the top.

P.S. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about blatantly wrong things like cheating or stealing. At the same time, what may seem obviously wrong and hurtful to you may be not be to the other person. So TALK IT OUT PEOPLE!

"Judge others, and be yourself judged, by others." - SunriseSeeker

P.P.S Thanks to my friends who wished me a happy birthday yesterday.

Ready for Love

It's not easy, getting up after you've been beat to a bloody pulp. And it's pretty frickin' scary when you get put in the position where you got beat up the first time. It's certainly understandable why some people are scared to get into a relationship after being severely hurt. I don't mean the types who are not ready because they're getting over someone, or because they just aren't ready to settle. I mean those who genuinely have nothing holding them back except the fear of getting hurt again. I personally have had the shit kicked out of me (figuratively of course) more times than I care to admit. And trust me, I know it ain't easy to crawl your way from the bottom of that pit of hurt, that hole where you just wanna lock yourself in and shut everything else out. The thing is, the first step towards the exit from that void are steps you have to take yourself. Sure, friends and others who care about you are reaching into the hole as deep as they can, trying to help you out. But more often than not, you're in so deep that you're beyond their grasp. YOU yourself have to start climbing out, take the first few steps towards their helping hands. I know I'm not the first to give this advice, but it should be reiterated. Why be afraid to love? What's the worst that can happen? You get hurt. But wounds heal, even the deep ones you get from a broken heart. Now on the flipside, you could meet the love of your life. Isn't a temporary thing like a broken heart worth the risk of meeting someone whom you can spend the rest of your life with?

P.S. The title of this entry shares it's name with a wicked song from India Aire. I suggest you try and find it and listen to it.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Faith

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

The Wachowski Brothers took my thoughts and put it into a sentence which perfectly defines faith (or hope). That quote is from the Architect's speech in Matrix Reloaded. Without faith, humans would have nothing to live for. Our drive in life is based on achieving our desires and dreams. This is where religion comes in. I absolutely HATE discussing religion and God. I myself am an atheist. I believe that religion is for people who fail to believe in the power of themselves, who need their faith channeled into something more tangible. But please don't write in my blog your view of religion, this is MY blog and I can cry if I want to, you can't! Anyway, back on topic. Faith and hope can make people do amazing things. So how can something that gives us so much strength also be such a weakness? It can cause people do see things that aren't really there. Who wants to believe that their greatest desires and dreams aren't achievable? Who wants to be told that their raison d'être is out of reach? It's quite the paradox huh? That's why a person who's had their faith "shaken" can feel so lost. Without a goal to strive for, without a thing to hope for, with nothing to base their faith on, life can seem pretty empty and pointless. I encourage you to take an inventory of what your "faiths" are, even the little "hopes" you have. Give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, because without it, it can be pretty frickin' dark in there.

"One must desire something to be alive." - Margaret Deland

Rebound? Not Always.

Is it wrong to meet someone new to help you get over someone else? I'm not talking about rebounds here. For those who are in touch enough with their inner selves, I think you can actually develop a healthy loving relationship with someone while trying to get over someone else. The only problem is, is that most of us while hurt, still think emotionally instead of logically. What I mean by this is that you have to sit down and think, "If I met this person at another time in my life, would I still find them fascinating and attractive enough to pursue a relationship with them?" I think that it's possible to answer that question with yes, and not by lying to yourself that you're over the first person and start burying the feelings you have for them. Admit to yourself that you still have attachments to the first person, but I think that's ok as long as you genuinely want to get over them. If you genuinely can see yourself with this new person, and not use them to get over your past, but instead can see a real future with them, is going forward with a possible relationship really that bad? It may be a dangerous proposition though, and to make a potentially flammable situation even more explosive, you'll have to let this new person know you're still are trying to get over someone. Morally, I think if the other person is willing to gamble with their heart, the least you can do is let them know the deck they are playing with. They have the right to know, right? Remember, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do. It's the best way to start a relationship anyway, to be open and honest. If the other person still sticks around and is still willing, then you know that they're a keeper.

"Men are blessed with 2 heads to think with but cursed with only enough blood to use one at a time." - Anonymous

Too Late? Too Soon?

The title is a great song by one of my favorite singers, Jon Secada. What ever happened to him anyway?

As for it's never to late to say the things we want to say... yes, sometimes it is, and other times, it's too early. Timing is an aspect of life that seems to elude me. I just know that right now, I'm not ready for hello, and I'm not ready for goodbye.

What if...?

That has got to be one of life's worst questions. That's why I had to do what I did recently: I let "Her" know everything. My feelings, my poems, my blog, everything. It took some time, and talking to another friend who was extremely helpful, but I now realize that because of circumstances, I am not going to get the answer I want. Bad timing is my curse. Now begins the painful process of distancing and recovery. Some people have questioned whether or not I did the right thing in telling Her how I felt although (I thought) she had a boyfriend at the time. Sometimes the wrong thing must be done for the right reason. I needed closure, I needed to stop the bleeding, even though it meant chopping off an infected limb. I admit it, it was a selfish act, but for my own god forsaken sanity it needed to be done. What was I hoping for, telling her? i'm not sure, it's not like I wanted her to drop everything in her life and answer "I want to be with you." It's not like I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend and run into my arms. I just needed to lay everything out on the table so that there would NOT be the question "what if...?". I've burned too many hours and too many tears on "what if's" in the past. Although many more hours and tears have and will pass by this time, at least it will be for a recovery process and not in asking that brooding, dreadful question.

To those that read this, if you take anything away with you from reading my words, let it be this. It may embarass you, it may humble you, heck, it may even hurt you to the point where you want to shut yourself in a hole for months, but do it, do the things you're scared of doing, because one thing you CANNOT do in life is go back in the past to resolve issues, you CANNOT move on while there are lingering questions, you CANNOT get closure if you can ask "what if...?". After you crawl out of the hole, at least you can live with "at least I tried" which is a million times better than "what if...?". Trust me on this one.

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever does kill you, well, pretty much makes you dead." - Anonymous

Fun at 4am

It felt good to flirt with the cutie at the poker table last night. People have told me that I have a tendency to flirt a bit. The thing is, I usually don't do it intentionally. Those who really know me well understand that I just like to have fun, and enjoy myself more when others around me have fun. But last night, I deliberately flirted with this girl (I don't even know her name, let's just call her Girl) because, well, she WAS hella cute and probabaly also because I was feeling down. Flirting is a two way street of course and she reciprocated in kind. There were glances exchanged, comments bantered about. It also really helped my self-confidence. I rarely ever flirt at the level that I did with Girl, it's usually just more playful conversation. What was the difference between my normal friendly flirting and the occurrence last night? It was definitely body language and exchange of glances, but the coup de grace was the smiling. Oh yes, Girl had a really nice smile and I'm such a sucker for a nice smile. She was flashing that weapon all night. Anyway, it was a nice confidence and morale boost, and god knows I need it. Now for the record, I almost never flirt the way I do unless I'm really interested in that person. But lately I've been taking a beating emotionally, and I needed something to help me recover. I'm sure she had a great time too and no one got hurt, so it's all good, right?

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

- U2

"A true friend stabs you in the front" - Unknown