Life's Little Victories

I've tried hard recently to overcome my fears in the recent past. Not the major demons that still haunt me, but defeating even the little ones deserves some recognition no?

About a year ago, a group of us went to visit a friend in Calgary. She lived on the 4th floor and had a balcony that extended the entire floor. In the morning, while everyone was still getting ready to go out, I decided it would be a good time to use the balcony to try and get over my fear of heights. My friend came out to find me, and seeing me standing on the corner, snapped a few pics without me knowing, this being one of them:

I stood on that ledge for 15-20 minutes, swallowing all the butterflies, trying not to let my weak knees or trembling limbs be the reason I lost my balance and experience freefall for a few brief seconds. Did it work? I'm not sure. I know that aversion therapy takes more than one session. But every time the breeze behind me picked up even a little, causing my body to sway away from the safety of the concrete behind me, causing the nausea and dizziness to grow, I fought every instinct to step back towards my safe haven, and instead to continue, to endure overlooking the ledge although my brain screamed at every muscle in me being to move back.

Bare with me here, I am about to jump to another related anecdote.

Came back from a snowboarding trip last weekend, and conquered another one of my fears. I love jumps, grabbing air, or at least I did when I skied (I skied for 11 years before I took up riding 4 years ago). However, my riding skills aren't that spectacular. This last trip, the snow was rather shitty, so my friend and I spent most of our time in the terrain park, trying to improve our jumps. Well, it was the last run of the day and I was approaching the jump with considerably high velocity. But instead of slowing down like I usually would out of fear of serious injury, I said "fuck it, let's do this shit" and grabbed the biggest air ever in my life; even managed to perform a decent grab.



Yes, I'm pleased with myself. I am proud of the little internal victory I achieved. I faced a fear and beat it, and it feels good. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but try it, just something small. It may needn't be a huge fear, just do something that frightens you a little, something outside your comfort circle. Don't be discouraged if you don't succeed, learn from it, and don't do the same thing next time =). Endure, win life's little victories, it makes life worth living and much more fun and interesting.

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

Letting Go of the Hate

I wrote this 5 years ago in a semi-private journal I had.

I'm more messed up than I thought I was... for those who don't know, my ex and I work at the same place. Well, not anymore, last night was her last shift... and as much as I hate that bitch, for some strange reason I can't explain... when I looked at her old locker, and saw the absence of her lock, I felt this queer empty feeling inside me, like I was going to miss her. And just as that feeling hit, I felt all disgusted with myself and thought "how the hell can I miss someone that's cheated on me twice and lied to me so many times?" But then during my next break, I found my eyes wandering towards the direction of her locker, and a small part of me wishes that the lock was still there.... sigh... I need WAAAAAAY more therapy than I originally thought.

One of my good friends (back then) wrote this as a reply:

I don't think you need therapy cause you feel like you miss your ex (when she left work) who cheated and lie to you so many times. I think it's actually quite normal. It makes you human and you should feel good about it 'cause no matter how much a person hurts you you still are able to find a teeny weeny bit of love and tenderness in your heart. Not very many people can do that ... most people just hold on to the hate. I don't think that's really smart cause when you have so much hate in your heart you have no room for love and that's a waste cause you never know who you might have loved. Just a thought.


I took my friend's advice to heart and I hope if there is someone else in a similar situation out there, that they listen to her too.

A Clean Slate

Ever wondered that if you lost your memory, if would you end up being the same person you were before? Would you still have the same political beliefs, same tastes, same likes and dislikes? Now I know that memory loss often only affects explicit memory, like facts, data, names, etc. Implicit memory such as habits, tendencies and preferences are often untouched. I guess I should narrow the scope of the question. If you knew you lost your memory, and if your old friends didn't tell you they were your friends, would you still make friends with them and obtain the same level of friendship as you had pre-memory loss? What about a person you used to have a crush on, or used to be in love with, or an ex? Would you be attracted to them again? Would you even try and pursue a relationship with them? I've often wanted to do that to myself, clean my memory for a couple of years and see if the life I live would be at all similar to the life I live now. Would I still be the slightly neurotic, thrill-seeking, pensive, poetic, over-analyzing, stubborn man I am today? Would I make the same decisions I made in the past?

If you met an old flame or crush, would you feel the same spark that attracted you to them in the first place? I think it'd be interesting if we could have an experiment like that, if everyone lost their memory for a year or so and had a chance to meet everyone that had an impact in their lives. Would we take the same, or at least, similar paths? It's almost too easy to say, "Well, yes of course we would, because who we are hasn't changed just because we lost our memory". But at the same time, you can't deny that sometimes the paths we choose can be limited at that specific time by circumstances. Certainly circumstances are different this second time around right? For example, what if you fell in love with someone, but couldn't pursue them because they're your best friend's ex? If everyone lost their memory, then their wouldn't be that stigma looming over your head (not like you would have remembered that there was one in the first place). But meeting that person again with a clean slate, it'd be interesting to find out where things would lead to after the initial conversation...

"In prosperity our friends know us, in adversity we know our friends." - John Trevor Collins

Happy Birthday!

I started this blog one year ago today. Yup, this collection of words has been my therapist for the past 365 days. How can I not acknowledge it's anniversary? I wonder how many of you have been here with me for this long? Thank you for traversing my thoughts with me, for wading through my insanity and putting in your 2 cents here and there.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown recently and something Kirsten Dunst's character said reflects almost exactly how I want my legacy to carry on.

"Hard to remember, but impossible to forget."

Future Days

Usually when I write a poem, it's either because I have built up emotions in me and I have to release them somehow, or because I receive a sudden burst of emotion which I must translate onto paper. Well, "Future Days" comes from the first reason.

Future Days

In future days, I walk alone
down a forgotten street.
Your memory drifts into my mind
And our eyes again do meet.

As I think of you and I, of us,
A smile I do possess.
As I recall your song, your braids, your deep vast seas,
Your fire, and your caress.

Sweet echoes from years ago
Stir my fire, it never died.
Frozen in time, my love, true love;
Buried deep, and locked inside.

Thy memory still is strong,
An old wound that never healed.
You're the fruit I could not reach,
Thy bounty remains unpeeled.

As my feelings set, reality rises
And my thoughts I do abandon.
I start to turn, all is void
And thus I cease to imagine.

Our eyes do part, you walk away;
My mind becomes a haze.
I resume to walk and wish and hope,
To see you in future days.

This poem came from my fractured psyche of the mid 90's. I was still playing around with emotion evoking imagery. The line "As my feelings set, reality rises", I was of course trying to induce the image of the sunset and sunrise, the dawn of a new day, time to stop dreaming and wake up, which the rest of the stanza suggests.

Poetry with Corner with Sunrise Seeker has now come to an end. We hope you've enjoyed your stay, please come back later for future episodes!

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

House Cleaning

I've often been accused of clinging on to the past... and those accusations would be correct. I'm a memory pack rat, I love reminiscing. Only within the last year or two (and thanks to some good friends), I've begun to realize that the memories I keep are holding me back. Yup, I am a sentimental fool. I've kept chat logs from ICQ and MSN from as far back as the year 2000. I did a very tough thing today (well for me at least), I erased those logs, highlighted my Chat Logs folder and pushed the delete key... yup, ALL GONE!!! I've also taken down some pictures in my room, some very OLD pictures, erased other pictures and memoirs off my computer. It was very therapeutic. And no, they're not sitting in my Recycle Bin, ready for me to click on Recover. They're gone, truly gone, my Recycle Bin is empty. I figure that the important memories, they don't need to reside in some magnetic limbo, waiting for my hard drive to exceed it's lifespan and shuffle off it's mortal coil. The essential ones, will always remain a part of me. But just as significant, it was I who decided to rid myself of those memories, it was I who took control and not let some random act of mechanical failure decide when to let go. Now you might be thinking, "Who cares about some stupid chat logs." And if I heard you say that now, I would probably flash a small grin, and nod ever so gently, in silent agreement.

"Sometimes I guess there just ain't enough rocks." - Forrest Gump

The Struggles Within Part 2

As I've aged (like wine I hope, and not like vinegar) I've been fine tuning the balance between my Heart and Mind. I can be a very extreme person at times: I believe in doing something right or not bother doing it at all, which is as much a weakness as it is a strength in my opinion. When I was younger, my world was ruled by my heart, everything I did was an emotional response. True to my nature, when I tried to apply logic to my world, I overcompensated to the extreme, denying my heart a voice in decisions and as a result I would end up overthinking things and cause myself unneccesary stress and pain. What I didn't realize at the time was the important lesson of balance in life. As I got older, as I understood more of the world, as my eyes opened wider, I started seeing how the world is governed by balance. But more specifically, in my life, I work as hard as I play, I love as hard as I hate, and because I put so much effort into things I do, I usually either pass with flying colours or fail spectacularly. I often fear for people who I see do not live a balanced life, they either work too much, or play too much, or jump in and out of relationships, or focus too much on things outside their control. But just as disciplined I am, I can be just as crazy in the things I do. I like to think I know how to live life, how to enjoy life, it's the little things I give up for the greater good of my physical and emotional health. Balance and moderation are the keys to life.

"Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." - Another wonderful Demotivators quote.

The Struggles Within

I'm my own worst enemy. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I am my own worst antagonist. Maybe it's not so bad? I make my life much more complex than necessary. But it's for my own good.

There are 2 different voices inside of me, often wanting 2 different things. I used to be a creature who followed his heart, but the consequences of that were often a painful life lesson. I learned the hard way to surround my passion in what I thought was the protective shell of logic. I went from one extreme to the other. Again, more pain followed and once more I was taught a precept in life: balance. Everything in this world is centres around balance. Yin must have it's Yang, Dark must try and drown out Light, Good must bring order to Evil... balance! For me, it's a balance of Heart vs. Mind. Quite often the 2 don't agree. But that's a good thing right? I've learned to battle my emotions with logic because neither the heart nor the mind individually knows what's best for you. I guess Freud would say something like "eeets yowrr Id versuss yowrr Superego". So my poor Ego has to suffer as it works overtime mediating the battles that occur in my consciousness. I have a very strong (and what some would call strange) sense of morals. My Superego is something that I myself wouldn't want to dissect. It seems like my hedonistic heart always wants the most amount of pleasure for the least amount of effort. I don't know the process of how I developed my rule, but it's my underlying basic rule of thumb "The right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do." Mind you, that's just a general rule for the important decisions in life. It's not like I'm some super strict maniac bent on denying myself pleasure. I love to have fun too! But I'm talking about the big things here, I don't like to sweat the little things. This post is getting a little long, I have more to say, but maybe we'll make this a 2 part series. =P

"The Universe doesn't keep score, to think so is naive." - Sunrise Seeker