Payment Due

Do you feel like you owe your parents for raising you? I have a friend who used to work at his parent's bakery, and when another friend jokingly asked how much he got paid he answered that he's the one who still owes his parents because they raised him. That got me thinking. Although my parents officially divorced when I was 14 or so, they had been separated for so long that my dad wasn't around much to "raise" me. As for my mom, although she brought the groceries and paid the utilities, did she really raise me? Do I really owe my mom? You see, I was quite emotionally abused by my mother, older brother, and older sister when I was growing up. I had no role models growing up, no one to look up to. Wait, that's not true either. My grandpa was a very positive role model, and I think that's where I get my profound sense of right and wrong from. Anyway, back to my immediate family, the only thing they taught me was how NOT to treat someone and how to endure constant verbal and emotional abuse. Although they cooked for me, clothed me, and put a roof over my head, do I really owe them? In fact, a huge part of who I am and was growing up, was because I wanted to be someone exactly the opposite of my mom, dad, brother and sister. Sometimes I'm amazed at the way I turned out considering the lack of family values I had and my circle of friends when I was younger. I'm pretty sure that had I taken a couple of different turns on the path I've walked, I would be at a much different place right now. So to my own question I guess this is the answer: my family may have provided me with the material fodder I needed growing up, but none of the emotional sustenance. I raised myself. The only person I owe is my grandpa, may he rest in peace, and it is in his memory that I try to do the things I do to make this world a better place.

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." - Wendy, age 8

Numb

It's not being alone in itself that is so frustrating. It's when you find that someone, that someone who makes you feel whole... It's not that you didn't feel whole before, but you just never knew how much more you could be until that person became a part of your life. That person who quickens your heart, shortens your breath, moistens your palms, who brings you to life; makes you alive in a way you've never known possible. But then you discover that they can't be there by your side, that you can't achieve the heights that you knew you could because they're not flying with you. That's what hurts, that's what is frustrating, that's what makes you feel even more... alone.

How did you force your way in here? You were uninvited.

You're the best of me, and also the worst.

I want to understand your words, and your silences.

I must rely on the strength within,
to survive through this pain.
to overcome the hurt,
seek the sunrise again,
to walk through this desert.

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." - Harry Truman

If I Had a Meeeeelion Dollahs

If by chance I ever won the lottery (which would be pretty tough considering I barely buy tickets), one of the first things I would do would be to come to work without any pants on. The second thing I would do, while at work, is to slap the ass of every hot female co-worker I could find. Third, if I wasn't fired by then, I would probably take a dump on department head's desk, and while being thrown out by security, scream "How's THAT for real time resolution?!"

I'm sure all of you have an idea of what you'd like to do if you ever came into such a large amount of money that you wouldn't have to work another day in your life. After all the usual, traveling, buying large and expensive things... seriously, what would you do with your life? I've always wanted to become a teacher. In fact, if it wasn't for the extremely poor job market in that area when I was in University, I most likely would have ended up in the Education program, and after graduation, look into teaching at the high school level. I think that kids in high school are at one of the most impressionable times of their lives. I would try to be more than just a teacher of school curriculae, but an advice dispense and a mentor on life. I'd try to use real life examples so that kids could use to relate to my teachings. I would impart not just knowledge, but more importantly, wisdom. Trying to expand the way those young adults think and see the world around them would the primary goal of mine, not teaching facts and figures.

I don't want money just to have nice and expensive things, I want money because of the freedom it provides, of the doors it would open for me. I don't want power nor fame. What I want is to touch people's lives, to leave the world a better place than I found it, to be remembered. If I ever do become a teacher, even having brightened the mind of one student, having my words etched into their brain, having a permanent affect on one life, would be worth sacrificing my time and energy.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal

Conflict of Interest Part I

"Ya know, it's not only what you say, but it's the way you say it," Scott said as he sipped on his coffee.

Jan, who was mixing honey into her peppermint tea, paused slightly and then played with the stir stick with the tip of her finger. "Just what ever do you mean by that?" she replied in a playful tone as she lifted the stir stick and flicked a little tea at Scott's face.

Scott quickly threw up his hand in defense and let out a loud laugh. Some of the people sitting at the tables around them paused and turned their heads slightly in amusement, but then quickly went back to their own conversations. The coffee shop was busy as it usually was for their Sunday noon coffee sessions. They had both agreed to try a new drink that day. Scott gave up his regular lemon herbal tea for a Caramel Corretto and Jan went with tea to replace her large dark roast which she usually loaded up with sugar.

"Geez, save some honey for the bees," Scott had teased when Jan squeezed a quarter of bottle of honey into the extra large foam cup.

"That's how I stay so sweet," Jan countered in the most fabricated, sweetest voice she could. Scott then faked a gag reflex complete with bulging eyes.

"I can't believe it's been three weeks since we last did this," remarked Scott, "so what's new with you?"

"Not too much actually. Exams are over, so that's a huge load off. Wrote my last one yesterday," said Jan, trying to acquire a taste for the highly recommended tea.

Scott noticed the furled brows on Jan's face as she sipped on her cup. "Not your cup of tea huh?" He chuckled at his own witticism, "just give it some time, the peppermint really invigorates."

"Needs more honey," Jan said between sips, slightly looking up from her cup to see Scott's eyes roll up into his head, "Ha ha, don't worry, I'll stick with it just because you recommended it." Then remembering Scott's original thought, Jan said "And what do you mean it's the way I say it?"

"Well, you asked 'Why do guys always misunderstand me?' " started Scott, doing his not-so-best impression of Jan, "Don't you know that..." he had to pause to dodge a playful slap from his coffee partner "...body language and tone can change the meaning of words?"

So what do you guys think so far? This is a little something I JUST made up. It took me about 30 minutes to write. Where is this story line going to go? Let's just say that the title is a little hint, not like that really helps since even *I'm* not too sure about the details. I have the major plot details in my head. I just hope the don't get lost with other random thoughs that often cross my mind. I'm not even sure how many parts this story will be. Hopefully I'll continue writing as I get insipired! Drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

"Insanity isn't only a by-product of self-discovery, but sometimes is the
final product"- SunriseSeeker

Opposites

Do opposites attract? My belief is that the greater the opposites, the more violent the reaction, therefore the more spectacular the explosion, but the shorter the duration. I've never had a chance to date someone that's a TOTAL opposite from myself, but I have dated someone who people who have been somewhat opposite. The intense attraction and fireworks can almost be a narcotic. Like any bad addiction, you can't get off the ride until you are in way over your head and all you can do is just enjoy (or suffer through) it until you burn out. The ride for me, at the same time was as spectacular as it was ugly. The rush and the crash afterwards was experience I care not to repeat, but at the same time was a great experience.

"Try everything in life at least once, as long as it doesn't screw you over too badly." - SunriseSeeker

For Winter's Snow

It's the end of April and it's snowing in some parts of my city. Yep, Edmonton, where it once snowed in the middle of June. There's a saying about Alberta: "If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes." Anyway, this cold weather reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back called Winter's Snow. I wrote it while studying at the University of Alberta, in the Student's Union Building (SUB). It was winter of course, and it was a beautiful day, the Sun was beaming and its light perfectly highlighted a fresh snowfall from the night before. I was studying near a window and looked out; I love the frosted look of trees and buildings a fresh snowfall brings. Add to that a clear blue sky and the Sun's warmth making everything glow... inspiration was instantaneous. I wrote this poem in about 5 minutes and took another 5 to edit it.

For Winter's Snow

They kiss the ground
so soft and pure.
Without a sound,
My heart they lure.
Into a trance
My thoughts do flow,
My mind does dance
For winter's snow.

With life they drift,
Soft as a feath'r.
Yes, nature's gift,
'Gainst cold weather.
Like l'amour in France
My feelings show,
My heart does dance
For winter's snow.

Snow swept scenes,
Come, hear me shout,
The summer greens
I can do without.
And if by chance
These flakes do go,
My soul will still dance
For winter's snow.

I'm Dry...

Tonight I logged on to Blogger, with so many things to say. But the funny thing is, I'm going to end up saying nothing at all. As I typed away, the sentences produced on my screen made less and less sense. I couldn't string together a coherent frickin' thought if my life depended on it. Work has me stressed out lately, and I've been getting these pangings of loneliness. Why am I so picky? It's not like I can force myself to be attracted to someone right? Someone asked me how things are going in the girl department and I responded with "The department's been closed for repairs." She then told me not to close shop because there definitely are girls browsing. I hear all the time that there are "girls out there, and that I'm just not paying attention". She said that maybe no one of my type is browsing to which I responded "Either way, it looks empty." All my friends say I'm too picky and I admit that I can be picky, but at the same time I'm not. I can't choose who I am attracted to right? To me, it's all about chemistry. I can sit down and talk to the prettiest girl but if I don't feel like there's a connection, then although I may be physically attracted to her, I'm not going to try and pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand, I've dated girls that may not turn heads, but whom I have a connection with and thoroughly enjoy being with. A deeper level of attraction than just physical is required for me to start giving up things in my life to start spending more time with a girl. I'm sure you all know this, but I'll just say it anyway. Personality can make a less physically attractive person beautiful, and a physically attractive person ugly. I truly believe that as I know people who embody the dichotomy. Am I picky? Maybe. I want someone who is beautiful to me on the inside, for physical beauty can fade, but inner beauty is a much more resilient product. Is it too much to ask? It's been almost 4 years that I've been single, so the answer so far, seems like it's "Yes".

"Understanding is a lot like sex; it's got a practical purpose, but that's not why people do it, normally." - late physicist Frank Oppenheimer on amateur scientists and their passionate curiosity.

Definition of Love?

I find it funny when people ask, "What is love?" or "How do you know when you're in love?" because my explanation is so long winded. You see, the problem with answering those questions is that love exists on so many levels. Friends, family, significant other, even something you LOVE to do. No matter which of these categories it exists in, if you love something, it will lighten your heart and make you smile, even if only on the inside, when you think of it. The feeling of love for me, propels me to seek out its source, expend all your energies to be with it, and fight for it till I can't fight anymore. Everyone falls in love, but it's not always with a person. Some people love their work, others love a hobby. Love is a paradox: how can the purest and simplest of feelings cause so much confusion? The reason why there's no ONE feeling of love, is because it is grown, grown inside of us. No one can thrust love upon you, take your head and drown you in a pool of it. And since each one of us is an individual, the feelings of love that we grow, are just as individual. That is why I cannot tell you whether you're in love or not. I myself have been in love a few times, have had love change from a deep, boyfriend/girlfriend love to a platonic friend love and even vice versa. How do you know when you're in love? Only you can answer that question.

This quote comes from one of my heroes in life. If I could sit down and chat with ANYONE in the world, dead or alive, it would be Albert Einstein. The reason why I think he's a genius, is not only because of all of his incredible discoveries, but because how he can take his most complex ideas and translate them so that mere idiots (like me) can understand them. I believe that is where true intelligence comes in, is in being able to take a complex idea and mentally rotate and transform it so you can introduce that idea in others in an understandable and comprehensible way.

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein