Kain

Wow, was my last post really more than 2 years ago?

I used to write because it needed to. It wasn't a want, it was a NEED. If I didn't put my thoughts down it would literally drive me crazy. That's the reason why I stopped writing: the NEED slowly disappeared until I no longer had a thought that if not put down on virtual ink, would override my ability to function.

So why am I posting now? I had a conversation tonight that talked about a tattoo I have on my body, and when I explained the story behind it, the people thought it was really cool. So I though I should share it.

This is a post about a video game character that changed my life. I first met Kain from Final Fantasy 4 in 1991 (note: it was FF2 when it was released back then with the SNES). It was a rough time in my life: I was 16 at the time, my parents were a few years divorced, my family life was shit, I was losing my identity, it's pretty safe to say it was a very dark time in my life. Video games were an escape for me and when I came across FF4, it was MIND BLOWING. It was the first video game that made me cry (Palom and Parom: BREAK!), the first video game that made me question myself as a person. In my mind, it is tied for best FF with FF6. I know to some out there, that would seem like blasphemy since 6 is mostly regarded as the best FF. But for me, the reason why 4 is the best is because of Kain. Those who don't know FF4, Kain is NOT the main character, but he is the main character's best friend. I am not going to go into detail about FF4's plot, you should DEFINITELY play the game. But I will reveal the important parts about Kain. Kain was in love with the main character's (who was also his best friend) girlfriend. Long story short, he betrayed them both. Later we learn that he was possessed by an evil sorcerer. Although his friends forgave him, he tells them that he never would have been able to be possessed had he not already had darkness in his heart and evil thoughts in his head. Kain, from that point knows that it will be a battle to have darkness in his heart, but that he must fight it everyday and to do the right thing. A 16 year old me knew that I was Kain. I knew that I had darkness in my heart and evil thoughts in my head. But I also knew that I had a light inside me. Those who have read my past posts know that I try and live the way my grandfather raised me, to be a good person, to make the world a better place, he put that light inside me. I knew that it would be a constant struggle in my life, to push away the voices in my head that told me I that I was shit, that I was a loser, that I didn't deserve happiness. I had to ignore the thoughts that told me I should hurt people, to do just what makes me feel good and ignore the consequences. Yes, at time I have lost a battle, but I like to believe that I am winning the war. It's gotten much easier as I have gotten older to win battles, but I must never assume that I've completely won the war. I have done bad things in the past, and I might continue to do some.  But as long as I truly repent, try my best to learn from my mistakes, make up for them and not repeat them, as long as I do my best to do good things, that's the important part. It taught me to accept a part of me but to not let it take over my life.

It's not what you think or what you feel that defines who you are, it's the actions that you take.  It wasn't until about 2 decades later that I decided to place Kain as a permanent reminder on my body, but in my mind it was long overdue.

"Happiness is a decision, not the results of how life treats you." - Unknown

P.S. I never played the After Years but I fully intend to. Has anyone who has played the After Years let me know how it is? Is it worth playing through? Does it capture the essence of FF4?

Labrinth - Jealous

For BB

"When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead.  It is difficult only for others.  It is the same when you are stupid."- Rickey Gervais

I Think I Just Levelled Up on the Internet!

I actually made someone else on a forum see my point of view and agree with it!! Anyway, now to continue on from my last post. Ok. I know that the Internet is full of trolls and haters. But for the most part, on most social media are "yes" sheep. Some person will post a picture of themselves and everyone on their friends list will be like "Oh you look good!" or "absolutely beautiful". Most people won' t say a negative thing because they want to be liked on social media. They are there to make themselves feel better about themselves. So to achieve that, they Like and submit only positive comments on other's posts so that they themselves will receive the same type of Likes and positivity on their posts. It's a huge fucking circle jerk of mutual masturbation. It's gotten to the point where people post the most useless things. People are so afraid to be disliked that they pile on praise and positivity on people that have no business being celebrated. Granted, I've avoided social media because of my disdain of this jerk-off circle, so I don't know all sides of it. But I am pretty sure I've seen enough of it to support these opinions on social media. So what is the point I am trying to make with this and the last post? That social media promotes an unhealthy level of narcissism. It causes people to be addicted to be lauded and seek attention. What's the solution? I only have one. People just need not to care so much about what other people think about them and seek approval. Be happy with yourself and stop comparing your life to others.

"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world.  Today I am wise so I am changing myself" - Rumi

I just heard the stupidest thing tonight

"Kylie Jenner is crippled by her fame."

GIMME A FUCKING BREAK.  Don't get me wrong, I can understand that superstars can absolutely be mobbed so much that they can't go grocery shopping or down to 7-11 for a slurpee in peace.  But Kylie Jenner, you know what?  If you don't want to be famous, get the FUCK OFF TV AND SOCIAL MEDIA.  Ok, so the TV part, I understand, she may have a contract that requires her to fulfill a quota for screen time.  But seriously, if you don't want to be famous then stay off social media.  The problem with most, and notice I say MOST people on social media is that they're all fucking "yes" sheep.  They will never say a negative thing and always be ohhh sooooooo super supportive.  Where the problem with that is, is that the environment on social media reinforce heavily promotes narcissism.  Sorry, I gotta run to hockey now, I do have more to say but not enough time to get it all out.

"Happiness is a decision, not the results of how life treats you." - Unknown

Appraisal

In today's society too many of us confuse the Price of something with it's Value.

"True friends aren't the one who are with you during your highest of highs, but the ones who are with you during your lowest of lows" - Anonymous

Lessons from a TV show

I was watching Parenthood the other night and someone said this about relationships:

"Pretending you're happy is worse than being miserable"

That really struck a chord with me and I thought about how many times I pretended to be happy, and that progressed to thinking about how many people in this world are "worse than being miserable".

As my thought tunnel widened, I started thinking what point in a relationship going badly, do you stop and say to yourself "Am I just pretending to be happy?  Is it time to stop fighting, cut my losses and move on?"  You never want to give up too early on a relationship, but then again you never want to waste your time struggling for something that will never be.  But I guess that's part of life, trying to figure out what what is worth fighting for, and when to give up.

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy.  If she's easy, she won't be amazing.  If she's worth it, you won't give up.  If you give up, you're not worthy...  Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Sometimes I Wish the World Was Blind...

... just so that I could walk around in public with no clothes on.

"The intelligent want self-control; children want candy." - Rumi

v.32 BIS

The problem with watching so much porn before I got high speed internet is that I get really horny when I hear the dial-up modem noise... or fax machines.

Men: Taking Society Backwards One Creep At a Time

My rant... errr. post... today comes after reading this:

http://kotaku.com/the-creepy-side-of-e3-513484271

I've got two points I want to bring up in regards to that article.

The first one concerns the story:  Are You a Booth Babe?

That article reminds of the something I once said to a friend.  "Even though I am not doctor, if I dress up in scrubs and hang around the hospital, should I be surprised if people start asking me for medical advice?"

If you won't want to be considered part of the "entertainment" then differentiate yourself appriopriately.  Step #1 is TO NOT DRESS LIKE THEM.  Be professional, dress like it.  If I was at E3 and saw a really built dude wearing a wife beater and army pants standing around a developer booth, I would have asked him "Hey what game is this?".

Point #2.

For the rest of the stories in that article, I can only put my head down in shame and shake it slowly as I am unfortunately a member of the sex that is performing such repugnant and unacceptable behaviour.  I was having a conversation with a coworker the other day, and he actually said "Men are just as objectified as women."  I happened to come across the article 3 hours later and showed him, and he immediately changed his opinion.  I am sad to say that sexism still runs rampant in geek culture.  In this post though, I am going to talk strictly about sexism in gaming since I am VERY familiar with gaming culture.  I've been a hadrcore gamer all my life, since I received my ColecoVision in Christmas back in '86.  I started competing in '94 starting with Doom LAN tournaments.  I have been playing multiplayer online since the beginning when it started.  I have seen the rise of gaming culture, and with that the increase of population of girl gamers.  And for the record, I DO NOT count people who play Facebook and phone games on their iPhones or Androids to be gamers.  If you spend 4 hours a day playing Candy Crush or Farmville, sorry, you are not a gamer.  Girl gamers have it real tough.  Gaming is competitive.  People are always looking to get an edge when competing.  Unforunately, the easiest way for a lot of male gamers to get an edge over female ones is being sexist.  They're part of the "do anything to win" group.  They don't care how they win and would even probably cheat if they could get away with it.  And sometimes, that even means trashing a female's self-esteem or feelings just to get a tick in the Win column.  Believe it or not, this is the more benign of the sexist behaviours that exist in gaming.  Another way is for guys to be actual scumbags.  The anonymity of the Internet leads to people behaving in ways they would not if they were in public.  A lot of people get "Internet Courage" which is often interchangeable with "Internet Stupidity" and "Internet Rudeness".  These are the morons that if you met them in real life would seem normal.  But when you put them behind a keyboard and all of a sudden they change into a raging douchebag.

The girl power movement that started in the mid 90's was late to the gaming party.  I believe though it's a double-edged sword as the more girl gamers strive to make themselves different and stand out, the more objectification they will receive.  I would love to see the day when we are all just "gamers".

"We do not know the true value of our moments until they have undergone the test of memory." - Georges Duhamel

You Are What You Watch

If you watch "reality" TV and think that the people on there are stupid and lame, just remember, you're watching them.  They're getting paid to act like morons and you're doing this in your spare time.  So who's the smart one now?

"Human life is very deep, and the problems that exist in today's society, is that it our dominant modern lifestyle is not." - Bo Lozoff

Post Cleanse Veggie Soup

Man I love hearty soups.

What's in there?

5 Carrots
5 tomatoes
7 stalks of celery
2 whole onions
2 red peppers
1 can of red kidney beans
1 can of mixed beans
1 small head of cabbage

All of the below are to taste
red pepper flakes
salt
Bay leaves
Parsely
Rosemary
Oregano
Thyme
Sage



I am not very good with a knife but I love big chunks anyway.  And I would be slow cooking this overnight anyway so everything would be super soft by the time I dug in.  Yup this big pot should last me probably about 9 meals.

Master Cleanse Ingredients

Here are the organic lemons that sacrificed themselves for my health!

The previous syrup I had was NOT organic (although it was pure maple syrup) and only had calcium and iron listed on the nutrition label.

And the finished product. 2 litres of cleansing goodness!

The unrefined sea salt for my SWF (YUCK!!) and the laxative tea.  I drink both twice a day, once in the morning and once and night.

Master Cleanse Part 2

Day 2:

Haven’t ate anything for 24 hours and my first BM (Bowel Movement) of the day had a lot of black gunk in it.  Can it be working already?  I thought that it took a few days for my intestines to start releasing the gunk.  I am hungry all day but my will power is holding strong.  I poured some mix into an ice cube tray for when my willpower does get too weak, I will use those to munch on.  Near the end of the day I started to get a fog in my head.

Day 3:

Weighed myself, 181.4 lbs. this morning.  WTF, how did my weight go back up?  Is my scale broken?  Anyway, woke up not hungry at all.  But when I started drinking the mix I got hungry.  Same hunger pains as yesterday but willpower still strong.  My BMs are all liquid now, no more black gunk.  I am starting to wonder if the black stuff from yesterday was the last of the stuff I ate before day 1.  I hope to start expelling more black gunk soon.  Started getting worried about losing muscle mass so I decided to do a very light workout at the gym.  Did not feel faint at all and I was quite surprised that despite cutting my calorie intake by probably at least double, I am not as weak as I thought I would be.  I also stretched and spent 20 minutes in a not overly hot steam room.  

Day 4:

Still at 181.2 lbs this morning.  Now I know I said weight loss isn’t my goal on this cleanse, I am worried now that after 3 days of ingesting probably less than half the calories I normally do, that I am not dropping weight.  Is my body in some sort of survival mode and that it’s hanging on to my weight because I’m not eating much?  I don’t feel lethargic at all.  In any case, after not getting at all faint during yesterday’s work out, I’ve decided to play some volleyball tonight.  Another note, my tongue has started turning white which I read somewhere that is normal, due to toxins being release through my tongue or something. 

Day 5:

So I took it real easy at vball yesterday.  I didn’t want to overexert myself plus I am still recovering from a pretty bad ankle sprain I had 5 weeks ago.  I didn’t feel faint at all but I did feel really slow.  Like when I wanted my body to move into position, my reaction and/or movement time was a lot slower than before.  In any case, I am going to try hockey tomorrow night and see how it goes.  Went on the scale, I weigh 180.3 lbs.  It must be the water weight that’s making me yo-yo, but I am not sure why as I am weighing myself when I wake up.  I still feel hungry all the time.  People on the net have said that it goes away, but mine has not yet.  Although I feel I have the willpower to go through until day 10, I don’t think I will do the cleanse again as I miss food waaaaay too much. Well, I think it will also depend heavily on how much my health has improved after this 10 sacrifice. Every time I see even just pictures of food, my mouth waters.

P.S. I am still getting dark bits in my BMs, GO INTESTINES GO!! 

Day 6:

So it turns out I was using a wrong type of maple syrup, although it was pure maple syrup it was not organic and too processed.  It lacked several nutrients.  I also ran out of lemons.  Before I wasn’t using organic lemons, just stuff I bought from the local grocery store.  So I went to my local Organic Planet to remedy both my lemon and syrup situation.  OMG organic lemons are tiny and pricey!!  I also was not using a laxative tea so I thought I would pick some up while at Organic Planet.  Having 5 days left on my cleanse, I picked out 1 litre of Canada No. 2 (amber) maple syrup, 20 lemons, and a box of Smooth Move Senna decaffeinated tea.  The girl at the checkout saw my items, she asked if I was doing the Master Cleanse.  When I replied yes, she told me that I should really get No. 3 (dark) maple syrup.  She said that the darker the syrup, the more nutrients it has.  

I might have to revisit Organic Planet before my cleanse ends.  Organic lemons (at least the ones I bought, and I picked the biggest and softest ones I could find) have less juice than their non-organic counterparts.  I had to use 5 organic lemons instead of the 3-3.5 non-organic lemons to make my mix.  In any case, I may not do the whole 10 days as I am supposed to play competitive volleyball in 4 more days.  I am also starting to see less black gunk in my BM’s.  And since my goal is to cleanse and not weight loss, I think I am just going to stop when I don’t see any more black gunk.  I am hoping to stop at day 8 so I can start the recovery eating process.  Fruit and veggie juices only on day 1.  Then soups and soft veggies for day 2.  Anyway, I hope that switching to organic and the right maple syrup makes a difference. 

P.S.  I’m at 181 even today.  I have no idea how I am NOT losing weight?!?

Day 7:

179.1 on the scale this morning.  I am still pretty confused how I am yo-yo-ing.  So I didn’t end up playing hockey last night.  I did a bunch of yard work yesterday and when my heart rate started increasing I started getting a little light headed.  I decided hockey would be a bad idea.  I’ve read that around this time is when people start feeling a lot better from the cleanse.  I don’t feel any “better”.  I feel pretty much the same since I’ve started.  The switch to organic lemons and a better maple syrup hasn’t made a difference that I can feel so far.  But it’s only been a day.  My tongue is more white and fuzzier than ever.

Day 8:

Seems like I needed to wait a week before I started losing weight.  I’m at 178.4 as of 7:50 am this morning.  OK OK!!  So I finally understand the burst of energy everyone is talking about!  Wow I feel GREAT this morning.  I’m not sure if it was the switch to organic lemons and/or having better maple syrup, or having the laxative tea.  Maybe my body was just really slow to get to this point.  It makes me want to stay on this cleanse even longer than 10 days now that I starting to see (feel) some real results.  I’m afraid I can’t though, I need exercise. I’m talking heart pumping, sweat dripping, heavy breathing cardio.  I'm afraid of doing hot yoga while on this cleanse and I really miss it.  I’m going to hit the gym again tonight and see where my strength is at.  Maybe I’ll also try some cardio and see how I do.  Man I’ve been having all sorts of craving these last few days.  I can taste EVERYTHING too.  MMMmmmmm… Shanghai dumplings, I can taste the sauce too.  Poutine…omg the cheese, so ooey and gooey.  The steamy goodness of pho.  The sweetness of lobster, the tenderness of ribs, ok ok.  I gotta stop before I drive myself even more crazy.

Day 9:

I’ve decided this is the last day for me.  I think I am losing too much muscle mass and that is most of where my weight loss is coming from.  I have lost belly fat, I’ve got my 6 pack back.  But at the gym yesterday I got tired really fast (I was doing 80-90% of my normal weight and could only do 8 reps instead of my normal 10) and also noticed how much smaller my forearms were.  I weighed in at 176.4 this morning, that’s enough weight loss for me.  I also have a volleyball game tomorrow and hockey on the day after so yah, today is the last day.  It’s been a pretty enjoyable experience overall.  I’m glad to see I have the will power to go through something like this.  I plan to finish the mix midafternoon and am actually going to start the recommended diluted OJ late afternoon, followed by a mixed berry, honey, almond milk, and protein powder smoothie at night.  According to what I’ve read, I may have problems digesting even the smoothie I plan to ingest.  The proper way to go off the cleanse is supposed to be OJ the first day, broths the day after, and the third day soft fruits and veggies. Well, I need carbs for tomorrow and Friday so I hope my body accepts the smoothie tonight and if it does, I am going to eat LOTS and LOTS of rice tomorrow with soup.  OMG I’ve missed rice soooooo much.  I was super glad this morning when I downed the salt water flush, it was going to be my last!  

Day 10:

I am glad to report that my quick jump back to solid food was not disastrous.  Now I’m not saying everyone who comes off the cleanse should do it like I did.  I am known to have an iron stomach.  I started drinking regular (non diluted) OJ at about 3 pm had about 2 glasses altogether over 2 hours.  Then at 830 ish I made myself a smoothie from frozen (but thawed) mixed berries, honey, almond milk and Vega Whole Smoothie powder using my trusty Magic Bullet.  I gulped that shake down in about a minute.  I spent last night cooking my vegetable soup for today.  The soup smelled so good that I had a small bowl around 10.  I make my soups hearty as you can see in the pic above.  My stomach did not complain at all, although when I went to bed at 1230, I could hear my bowels happily digesting the soup.  Even my dog who sleeps at the foot of the bed could hear and perked up her ears a few times.  Again, I do recommend you follow the guidelines on coming off the cleanse, but if you don’t PLEASE do it slowly and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.  In any case, I gained a pound back this morning, I clocked in at 177.5 which is no surprise to me, since I probably ate a pound’s worth of food.  I also made the same smoothie this morning (about 30 min ago).  I started making rice right after and am eagerly awaiting my rice cooker to beep so I can start eating my soup.  I love eating rice and soup.  I can’t wait to start playing sports, running. doing hot yoga and hitting the gym again.

I would definitely do this cleanse again.  3 things I will NOT miss.  My anus being on fire every BM (I liked my mix spicy), peeing out of my ass, and the salt water flush.  2 things I WILL miss, the lack of dishes I had to do, the lack of garbage I generated.

"There are only two ways to live your life: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though everything is a miracle." -  Albert Einstein

Master Cleanse aka the Lemonade Diet

So I've decided to punish (test) myself by trying the Master Cleanse.  Now, I am not doing this to lose weight, this is NOT a diet for me.  I am doing this because I want to clear my intestines of all the junk that has been accumulated there for over 3 and a half decades.  I hope I have the mental toughness to finish this as with any diet, I hear that the toughest part is keeping yourself mentally strong.

For those who don't know, the Master Cleanse is a cleanse where you drink nothing but a mixture of fresh squeezed lemon juice, organic pure maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water.  You are also supposed to drink a laxative tea and/or a drink of unprocessed sea salt+water as a flush.

My girlfriend is away on a family vacation for 16 days so I thought this would be the perfect time to try the clease.  I say this because I think it's going to make it a lot easier not having her eating food in front of me.  My plan is to cleanse for a full 10 days although I will be happy if I get through 5 days.  Day 1 came and went, and I am pretty sure that this would be much harder if I had to smell food so although I miss my boo like crazy, for the sake of my cleanse, I'm glad she isn't here.  Even when I opened the fridge to grab more mix or water, the smell of the vinaigrette, sandwich meat, and other stuff we had in the fridge wafted into my nose and made my stomach pang to be filled with something else besides liquid.

The mixture itself is actually pretty tasty, a lot more palatable than I thought it would be.  But I made the mistake of adding double the recommended amount of cayenne pepper since my hotness tolerance is pretty high.  It wasn't the spiciness that was off, but too much, for a lack of a better description, "cayenne-iness".  I went with 1.5 Tablespoons today instead of the 2 I did yesterday and it tastes even better.

I took my dog out for a long 90 min walk last night around a local dog park and I started feeling weak during some of the longer uphill portions.   I actually planned on playing volleyball this Friday and hockey this Sunday, but now I'm not so sure I can.  Every website I've looked at says that anaerobic exercise is ok, but avoid anything that gets your heart pumping and I'm inclined to agree.  That means I can't even lift weights.  Oh well.  This is a small sacrifice to hopefully clear what I guess is 3-5 lbs of undigested gunk in my gut.

My weight yesterday was 181 lbs.  This morning I am at 180.4 lbs.  Remember, my goal is not to lose weight.  But I do need to keep track of it though as this cleanse progresses.  I am scared of losing too much muscle mass.  The only exercise I will be doing is walking the dog and perhaps stretching and rolling out my legs on the foam roller.

Oh well, if I don't check in tomorrow, someone call 911 for me as I have probably passed out, LOL

"The secret of all success is to know how to deny yourself." R.D. Hitchcock

Audience (or lack thereof)

"My Life... (or at least my version of it)", was created because I felt because I have been through so much shit in my life that, if at least another person could learn from it, find insight from it, or at the very least be entertained by it, then my life, would have served a purpose.  As the translation from thought to electronic ink continued, it became cathartic.  Just like how a teacher can learn even more by teaching, I believe that I grew, and learned by writing about my life.  To me, writing is not a just straight dictation of words in my head to words on a page.  Throughout the process I sometimes pause to ask myself questions, as if I were an anonymous reader, or sometimes as an acquaintance, or even as a good friend.  But lately, as you can tell, my blog as been nary of updates.  I think now it is because my experiences that I have had in the last few years, have been the same experiences that everyone else has had, that my life has settled down and I no longer have these crazy stories to tell.  I may get a random thought here and there I'd like to share. I am not a huge social media person.  Although I do have Twitter and Facebook accounts.  I rarely use them.  I actually despise what social media has become in a way, where everyone thinks that they need to tell the world what they had for lunch, or put up five hundred pictures of their kids.  Social media has turned a lot of people in society to what I call the "me too" generation.  Too many now think that they are special, that others actually care about their mundane lives.  Don't get me wrong, I love social media in that it keeps us informed, entertained, and allows us to connect globally.  What I dislike is just that too many people try to grab attention or think that they are more important than they actually are.

Sorry to backtrack here a bit, but my thoughts aren't always as coherent as I would like them to be.  Anyway, when I started my blog, I was actually quite content with no readership (like right now, LOL).  I don't advertise my blog, I don't tell my friends about it, who ever stumbles upon this site must do so almost accidentally (of course there are some exceptions to the rule).  I still am very happy if these words of mine get read only by me, to serve as my personal memoirs.

Anyway, to those who are returning visitors, know that I am extremely happy where I am right now, and   thanks for remembering that I still exist.

 "Let us learn to appreciate there will be times when the trees will be bare, and look forward to the time when we may pick the fruit." - Anton Chekov

Well of course I talk to myself...

... I'm usually the only one who can understand me.

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain

Mad Props!

A picture of Facebook post I came accross in my internet travels to start off today's post:

I have so much more respect when I see "un-fit" people working their asses off at the gym than the "fit" people who cheat on the stair master or otherwise half ass it on their workouts. Props to this chick whoever she is and to other people like her trying to make a difference in themselves; if you catch me staring at you at the gym, it's out of respect and not out of mockery.  Bullies are nothing more than cowards who hide their own shame and disgust with themselves under taunts and insults.

"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man.  True nobility is being superior to your former self." - Ernest Hemingway

Saturday Afternoon Quickies

Some quotes and a passage which I felt like sharing today.

"You have never truly loved until you have given up something for someone and never expected repayment." - Sunrise Seeker

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha 

"If you're wrong and you shut up, you're wise. If you're right and you shut up, you're married." - Anonymous

"Remembering dead hope is easier than trying to keep reviving it." - Anonymous

"The only way to make sure you never get hurt is to never risk anything." - Sunrise Seeker 

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."  - John A. Shedd,

"Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs." - Unknown

You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

Dreams at 6am

Silence

The ghost of you still echoes in my mind,

These sweet memories of you are cruel and not kind.

Each second a painful reminder of what should have been,

Each lingering sensation, tingles on my skin.

The bed is still warm to the touch.

You said over time I would stop loving you so much.

It's been forever and day, nothing has changed,

I wish we could have left things estranged.

How am I supposed to let this go?

Each tear drop, my heart screaming no.

My body still shakes when I hear your voice,

I can't help it, I really have no choice.

This fire for you I tried to battle and douse,

Why is it I can still hear you in my house?

Your voice reverbing in my very soul.

Our time together has taken its toll…

The paintings in my mind of us are all false,

No partner in this dance, my last waltz.

I must slowly, painfully rip you from my heart.

I wish, I knew how to start.

The strength in my spirit is all but gone,

I’ll try to fake a smile and keep moving on.

I hope he’ll never again make you cry,

I hope he loves you as much as I,

I hope he becomes the man you desire,

Only then can I begin to retire.

I really don't have that strength,
To become silent so soon.
I will learn how to give you up,
It's because I still love you so much.

- Sunrise Seeker

Eventualities

At some point I will have to realize that I have done too much for them, that the only next possible step is to stop.  Not because I'm giving up, and it's not like I don't have the will or the fight to try anymore, but because I cannot give away the last pieces of me that make me, well, me.  I have to find where determination ends and desperation begins and stop at that line.  I'll have to leave them alone and walk away.  I will get what I truly deserve, whatever is truly meant to be mine, will eventually be.  What is not, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I must realize, will never be.

"We spend our childhood trying to "fit in", and our adulthood trying to "stand out"." - Anonymous