Pain Sponge

Do you believe that sometimes things are better left unsaid?

I believe so, even at the expense of personal happiness.

Someone once said to me:

"I think it's better to leave things unsaid if there's no good that can come from it, or if it'll only cause more pain/hurt than good"

But what if saying that something is a major relief to you, even though it may not benefit or even slightly hurt a person you care about?

For the people I really care about, I sometimes am a Pain Sponge. I soak up their pain if there is a chance that they can come out happier. The reason why this entry is here, is because I was reading some old email correspondence sent between a friend and I, and I was telling that person a story of what happened to me and this girl, let's call her Eve.

I was totally head over heels for Eve. I chased her hard. We had a few very deep talks and went out together quite a bit. I thought things were going very well. I was letting go of every guard and safety I had built over the years and was running in full flight... straight into a brick wall it turned out. Somehow, she ended up dating someone else. That hurt, a lot. But Eve was a very sweet girl, and hella fun to chill with, so I tried to turn my feelings of amour to ones of platonic friendship. I saw her quite a bit because we had the same circle of friends for a while, so it was hard on me. But I thought I managed my emotions quite well. Months passed, and I saw less and less of Eve. But for some reason, my heart never let go of its feelings for her. Time had failed to slowly put out the fire that burned inside me. Every time I saw her, it was a little painful. But I pushed those feelings aside and managed to stay good friends with Eve. More months went by and I heard through the grapevine that Eve's relationship wasn't going so well, they fought a lot and Eve was starting to get very unhappy. But I know that she was very loyal and would try her hardest to make things work, that's the type of girl she is, and part of the reason why I think so highly of her. So despite my emotions for her, I felt it was my duty as a friend to help her.

One cold winter December night, I received a call at 2am. I was already fast asleep, trying to get 8 hours of shut-eye before work the next morning. Needless to say, it was Eve on the phone. I could tell she was crying and she really needed to talk. There was no thinking required, I immediately got dressed and drove in -20 Celsius weather in the dead of night to her place. I arrived at about 2:30 or so. She opened the car door and got in the passenger side. Although she wasn't crying, she was trying hard to hold back the tears. We just sat there in the parking lot and she talked while I listened. She told me that out of everyone she knew, she felt like I was the only one she could talk to. Inside me a war was raging. You never want to see the girl you love in tears, and especially not because she's in love another guy! I felt helpless as she told me all the problems she had with her boyfriend. My brain could hardly keep in heart in check. It took all the willpower I had to not tell her that I have been in love with her all this time; that she should forget this loser and that I would never EVER let her cry like this. We sat side by side, me in the driver's seat and her in the passenger seat as she told me how her boyfriend kept letting her down, how she felt that he didn't respect her, and then she lost it, the dam burst. She reached out and I instinctively reached for her and wrapped my arms around her as she pulled me into her. I could feel my body immediately getting warm as the body heat rises when someone is crying. I could feel her tears soak my shoulder. Here we were, 4 am or so, parked in a parking lot, a cold December morning, the girl I am in love with crying over someone else; then it started to snow. It was like a scene from a movie. I stroked the back of her head and I knew that the best thing I could do for her right now was to let her cry it out. Although each sob felt like a stab in the back, I felt it would be extremely selfish to try and remove those daggers. Being the Pain Sponge that I am, I absorbed her anger and frustration, I sopped up her sadness, I soaked up her love... for another guy. Do you have any idea how hard it is, to have held her, held her so close to my heart, her heart bleeding, to feel her warmth, feel her every shudder, so close that I could swear I could feel her heart beat, but to know that she is in love with someone else, and that I could not tell her how I feel? I wanted with every fibre of my being to say those three words, the 1-4-3 that I kept bottled up now for months. It felt like hours had passed, but eventually the sobs subsided, her breathing became more even, and she pulled away and said sorry. I knew that was what she really needed, a good cry, and that after that she would sleep like a baby. I felt she was getting tired so I told her to go upstairs and go to bed. She thanked me for being such a good friend. But my mind already became numb, trying to dull away the pain that my heart was radiating. All I could manage was a weak "Anytime you need me Eve, you know I'll be there."

So she quickly opened the door and ran up the stairs to her door and waved goodbye as she let herself in. As soon as her door closed it was my turn. My turn to let all my anger and frustration, sadness and love... for her, out in tears. It was a long drive home.

My friend and I debated whether or not I should have told Eve everything. I told them although it would have been a great (that adjective doesn't even come close to what I want to say) relief for myself, to tell Eve, it would have made her life much worse. I had to be a pillar of support for her, and if she knew how I felt, she may have felt that she wouldn't be able to lean on me, and she had told me that I was the only one she could talk to. My friend told me thought that I deserve to be happy, that maybe not telling her was the wrong thing to do, to which I said:

"Don't get me wrong, there's happiness out there, I'll look for it. But I've already accepted the fact that I may not always get what I want, so I might as well help others get what they want."

It's all part of my "Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do" life philosophy

"People are like jigsaw puzzles where the pieces change shape over time. Some pieces may look really similar but won't fit together, other pieces might not look alike but fit perfectly. It takes luck and timing to find a piece that looks like yours and fits." - Sunrise Seeker

Tell Me

I wrote this poem a long time ago, probably when I was 22 or 23 at the time. I was lost back then, very lost. I was hanging around several different crowds, flirting with the gangster/drug scene, at the same time being a computer geek and still playing lots of sports. I was meeting a lot of people, and I felt that I didn't truly fit in with any of them. I know knew who I was. But despite being as strong as I am, when you don't feel close to anybody, and you can't see yourself becoming close to any of your friends, it feels like you're alone in a crowd and drowning in it. I guess I was waiting and wanting for someone to see though my smiles, see through this superficial me that I had become in order to try and have a good time, see that I was actually floating face down in my pool of facades and confusion, and find ME.

Tell Me

I wander through my depths,
the fog that is in my head.
Who am I? Where am I going?
Can you feel the pain of my memory?
There is no shelter to hide me from myself.
My walless prison holds strong.
And the song plays on...
In open fields I run, trapped only by that which I cannot flee,
myself, do you understand?
Enter my valleys and indulge in my rivers.
Fly through my skies and swim through my clouds.
I have much to offer thee.
Read my stories, sing my melodies, use me abuse me.
And the song still plays on...
Sense my vibrations, feel my thoughts, hear my echoes.
I sing without a voice.
A knight with no kingdom, a soldier with no country.

I tread through the waste
and see something in the debris.
A one way mirror into my soul
but I cannot see, I cannot see.
Tell me reader, about me.
Sing me a song, sing me my song.

-Sunrise Seeker

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else." - Erma Bombeck

BSG Thou Art a Cruel Lover

So it's the last season of the best show on TV, Battlestar Galactica. To those fans that are watching (actually that's kind of redundant because the show is so good that if you even watch one episode, you'd be an instant fan), I got a question. What do you think Earth will be like when they find it? Will it be a futuristic Earth, or a modern day Earth like today? Or do you think that maybe they'll find an ancient Earth? And how will their religion tie into all of this?

Ah BSG, you do this to me every week, tease me, titillate me, show me what I want and still leave me wanting more.

"In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you wake up in the morning." - Carl Sandburg

I <3 Discovery Channel

I was watching "Inside the US Mint" today and heard the narrator talk about coins and say something like"...be in perfect condition just like when it left the Mint."

So is that where the phrase "mint condition" comes from?

"To decide to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life." -Arbie M. Dale

Don't Look a Karma Gift Horse in the Mouth

I know we're all guilty of this.

You're having a shitty day, and you think to yourself, "Why me?", and wallow in a tiny tiny pool of anger and self-pity that we tell ourselves we're allowed to jump into once in a while. Well, I had a little experience a few weeks ago that has made me stop taking even the bad things that happen for granted.

I got stuck on a project at work that made me leave five minutes late past peak hours. I work on the top floor of an office building and there's only one elevator that services my floor after peak hours. So if you miss it, it's a real bitch to wait for that one elevator. So here I was, cursing that I would have to wait like 5 minutes for an elevator. I was literally walking out the office door into the elevator lobby when all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off. So now I'm even more pissed cause now I have to walk down 33 flights of stairs because all the elevators shut down during an alarm. It may not seem like a big deal, but I bring a huge ass 17" notebook to work with a lot of accessories which including my carrying case, is an extra 17-18 lbs. of weight. Trotting down 33 flights of stairs with that extra weight is actually pretty hard on the knees. So there I was swearing because of that fricking project that had made me 5 minutes late, was actually going to make me 20 minutes late and give me sore knees the next day. I was not a happy camper.

Soooooooooo, the next day, I discovered that the fire alarm went off because the one elevator that serviced my floor, had a small fire. I'll give you a couple of seconds here to simulate the stoppage in time I experienced as my jaw dropped and my brain slowed down to imagine what would have happened if I would have gotten off work in time.
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Yah EXACTLY!!!! Instead of standing at there, at that moment in time, jaw agape, I could be in the morgue right now, a victim of being burned alive or at best in the hospital with severe smoke inhalation.

So that lead me to think, maybe I should be extremely happy in life right now. Perhaps karma has given me the lesser (or at least the not MOST severe) of the multiple traumas that could have happened to me. So the next time you curse your bad luck for having that green traffic light turn red when you're already tardy, or not winning some cruise you sooo wanted to go on, try not to stay in a bad mood too long. Maybe you managed to evade being t-boned by some idiot who ran a red three intersections ahead? Or maybe you just managed to avoid contracting a fatal tropical disease? Or, you never know... maybe karma *is* pissing on you and you would have had a fantastic vacation?

"Sometimes in order to move forward, you must leave something behind" - Unknown

Sorry

Here is my apology, to everyone and anyone I've ever hurt, fucked up, or otherwise have given a sad day to. Most of these people have probably forgotten about past transgressions, or else forgiven me for them, but to those people that haven't, and I guess to even those who have forgotten/forgiven, listen up...

I'm sorry.

I was going to start this paragraph by saying that this isn't some sad attempt to relieve my conscience, but you know what? I ain't gonna lie, it is. Yes, this is some pathetic stab to relieve the guilt I sometimes feel when I take a step back and look at the string of events that has become my past. Yes, this is a sad try and set right my karma. I've done things I'm not proud of, I've made mistakes, I've hurt people, some very badly, but none with intent. I'm not perfect, and as much as I strive to be, I'm not. There were some of you though who deserved it. But even though my actions were not bred from malice, I am still sorry. Not sorry for hurting you explicitly, but sorry that you hurt me so much that I did not care that I caused you pain, or that I did what I did to start a new chapter in my life without you in its pages. I hope that you can find it in your hearts, maybe sometime in the future, to forgive me. And if by chance, if you are someone that I have wronged in the past, and do not feel this written apology is enough, write a comment with a way I can contact you and we can talk about whatever stupid thing I did. Your comments do not show up publicly until they are screened by me so if you wish to remain off my blog I will delete your comments.

"Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you." - Quote from Stargate Atlantis

P.S. lying in bed last night, I remembered that there was one person that I DID intentionally hurt, and I am NOT sorry for that. She deserved it. She hurt my friends, the people I care about. Justice was served.

Sacrifice, or Selfishness?

Quite a few years ago, I met this girl, let's call her Darla. I met Darla at work and we hit it off quite well. She was a few years younger than me, and while usually that's not important, it is in this case because she was at the important age of 19-21, an age where there are huge transitions in life. Darla wasn't your typical hot blonde. Oh don't get me wrong, she was blonde and she was hot (being a competitive swimmer kept her in VERY nice shape). But you see, I'm not usually attracted to hot blondes. What got me hooked was her quirky sense of humour, her amazing intelligence, but most importantly, she was for her age, uncharacteristically mature. In fact, it was her maturity that made her stand out from the rest. Yup Darla was quite the package.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Darla showed an interest in me too. We hung out together outside of work, and always had fun. We went on a road trip together along with a mutual friend and we had one of the best times of my life. So how come Darla and I never hooked up? Well, that's the reason why this entry is here. I want to ask you, the reader, what would you have done in my shoes and maybe just spark a discussion (something this blog has lacked for a loooong time). Now, I have to fill you in with a little background so you can fully understand my side of this.

I was about 22-23 years of age and totally lost in life. I was working at a job which I could not see as being my career. I was having huge problems with school, and honestly I couldn't see my future as being very bright. Basically I was stuck in a HUGE rut and feeling really shitty. Most people don't know this about me, but I am my own toughest critic. When I get down on myself, it gets pretty bad. Now, I really liked Darla, A LOT, and apparently the feeling was very mutual. As mentioned previously, we worked together. But this job for her was a stop gap. She was going back to school in the next half year and it was her plan to goto the US to study to be an electrical or chemical engineer. She mentioned that she really wanted to work at NASA. Darla had big plans with her life. Now, I knew that if we got together there would have been fireworks, it would have been great, and I knew that Darla would have tried to make it work even long distance, she's that type of responsible person. But I thought that the right thing to do was to let her go. At that point, my life wasn't going anywhere, and I couldn't see it going anywhere. She, on the other hand, was about to take her first step to what I knew would be a very successful life. I thought in my mind that I would just be holding her back, and although we might be really happy for a few short months, in the long term she'd be better off free, without me. I knew what life was like at University, and I thought that being tied down to a long-distance boyfriend with no future in sight would be a hindrance. Yes it made me really sad that I was giving up a chance to date someone like her, but I thought that the sacrifice would in the end make her (and I guess to a certain degree, me) happier in the long run.

I've told this story to only a couple of people, and they've told me that instead of being unselfish like I intended, I was actually being the opposite because I was making a decision for her. That since she wanted a relationship I just should have tried and make it work and see what happened. While I agree with this view, and I would have offered the same advice to a friend if they were in a similar situation, I have to reiterate the point that I was at one of the lowest points in my life during that time. I didn't think I had a future and I thought that she deserved better, MUCH better. I think it was three or four weeks after our roadtrip, and after multiple chances I had to start a relationship with her, she called me and asked me out for a drink. We talked and laughed, and at the end of the night, she told me that she was starting to see someone. See, that's the kind of maturity I was talking about; it's hard to find. We were still friends after that but not for too long after; we lost touch after she quit work and went off to school.

Now, I know there are at least a few of you asking for an epilogue to this story. Unfortunately I've lost touch with Darla. A couple of years ago I heard that she actually ended up going to school in Ontario (I think) and actually ended up dating someone from our old work place while she was there. He went to school in the US and they tried the long-d thing. I'm not sure what happened after that. It would be nice to see how she's doing. I saw her two years ago at the start line of the CIBC Run for the Cure briefly. We just managed to exchange hellos before the run started. Through a complete coincidence I chatted with someone who was close friends with her and she gave me her email address. I emailed Darla, but never received a reply.

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.' - From The Far Side, by Gary Larson

Why Dr. Phil is better than God

I had a startling revelation at work today.

For a long time now I've believed that religion is for people who can't or fail at believing in the power of themselves, that believing in a higher power gives them a sense of purpose, that if they just think "all I have to rely on is myself, I'll fail. There's got to be more to life than just this current existence." But basically, religion tells people already what they know deep down inside, but are for some reason or rather, fail to listen to it unless it comes from "a higher authority" or else the fear of going to "Hell" (or not making it into the Pearly Gates) makes them do it. Please read my entry on Faith for further discussion on that topic.

Also, I've known for a long time that's the same reason why people love Dr. Phil, because what he spews out is already common sense, you already know what you should do, but until you hear it from someone else or someone authoritative (I don't think he is, just that other people do), you don't realize it or act on it.

So as I was sitting at my desk today, clacking away at my keyboard, and it hit me... Dr. Phil is better than God because although they both tell you what you should do although you already know you should do it, but people don't start wars and kill their own kind in the name of Dr. Phil.

Not yet anyway...

"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich." - Unknown

"On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.." - Unknown