I believe so, even at the expense of personal happiness.
Someone once said to me:
"I think it's better to leave things unsaid if there's no good that can come from it, or if it'll only cause more pain/hurt than good"
But what if saying that something is a major relief to you, even though it may not benefit or even slightly hurt a person you care about?
For the people I really care about, I sometimes am a Pain Sponge. I soak up their pain if there is a chance that they can come out happier. The reason why this entry is here, is because I was reading some old email correspondence sent between a friend and I, and I was telling that person a story of what happened to me and this girl, let's call her Eve.
I was totally head over heels for Eve. I chased her hard. We had a few very deep talks and went out together quite a bit. I thought things were going very well. I was letting go of every guard and safety I had built over the years and was running in full flight... straight into a brick wall it turned out. Somehow, she ended up dating someone else. That hurt, a lot. But Eve was a very sweet girl, and hella fun to chill with, so I tried to turn my feelings of amour to ones of platonic friendship. I saw her quite a bit because we had the same circle of friends for a while, so it was hard on me. But I thought I managed my emotions quite well. Months passed, and I saw less and less of Eve. But for some reason, my heart never let go of its feelings for her. Time had failed to slowly put out the fire that burned inside me. Every time I saw her, it was a little painful. But I pushed those feelings aside and managed to stay good friends with Eve. More months went by and I heard through the grapevine that Eve's relationship wasn't going so well, they fought a lot and Eve was starting to get very unhappy. But I know that she was very loyal and would try her hardest to make things work, that's the type of girl she is, and part of the reason why I think so highly of her. So despite my emotions for her, I felt it was my duty as a friend to help her.
One cold winter December night, I received a call at 2am. I was already fast asleep, trying to get 8 hours of shut-eye before work the next morning. Needless to say, it was Eve on the phone. I could tell she was crying and she really needed to talk. There was no thinking required, I immediately got dressed and drove in -20 Celsius weather in the dead of night to her place. I arrived at about 2:30 or so. She opened the car door and got in the passenger side. Although she wasn't crying, she was trying hard to hold back the tears. We just sat there in the parking lot and she talked while I listened. She told me that out of everyone she knew, she felt like I was the only one she could talk to. Inside me a war was raging. You never want to see the girl you love in tears, and especially not because she's in love another guy! I felt helpless as she told me all the problems she had with her boyfriend. My brain could hardly keep in heart in check. It took all the willpower I had to not tell her that I have been in love with her all this time; that she should forget this loser and that I would never EVER let her cry like this. We sat side by side, me in the driver's seat and her in the passenger seat as she told me how her boyfriend kept letting her down, how she felt that he didn't respect her, and then she lost it, the dam burst. She reached out and I instinctively reached for her and wrapped my arms around her as she pulled me into her. I could feel my body immediately getting warm as the body heat rises when someone is crying. I could feel her tears soak my shoulder. Here we were, 4 am or so, parked in a parking lot, a cold December morning, the girl I am in love with crying over someone else; then it started to snow. It was like a scene from a movie. I stroked the back of her head and I knew that the best thing I could do for her right now was to let her cry it out. Although each sob felt like a stab in the back, I felt it would be extremely selfish to try and remove those daggers. Being the Pain Sponge that I am, I absorbed her anger and frustration, I sopped up her sadness, I soaked up her love... for another guy. Do you have any idea how hard it is, to have held her, held her so close to my heart, her heart bleeding, to feel her warmth, feel her every shudder, so close that I could swear I could feel her heart beat, but to know that she is in love with someone else, and that I could not tell her how I feel? I wanted with every fibre of my being to say those three words, the 1-4-3 that I kept bottled up now for months. It felt like hours had passed, but eventually the sobs subsided, her breathing became more even, and she pulled away and said sorry. I knew that was what she really needed, a good cry, and that after that she would sleep like a baby. I felt she was getting tired so I told her to go upstairs and go to bed. She thanked me for being such a good friend. But my mind already became numb, trying to dull away the pain that my heart was radiating. All I could manage was a weak "Anytime you need me Eve, you know I'll be there."
So she quickly opened the door and ran up the stairs to her door and waved goodbye as she let herself in. As soon as her door closed it was my turn. My turn to let all my anger and frustration, sadness and love... for her, out in tears. It was a long drive home.
My friend and I debated whether or not I should have told Eve everything. I told them although it would have been a great (that adjective doesn't even come close to what I want to say) relief for myself, to tell Eve, it would have made her life much worse. I had to be a pillar of support for her, and if she knew how I felt, she may have felt that she wouldn't be able to lean on me, and she had told me that I was the only one she could talk to. My friend told me thought that I deserve to be happy, that maybe not telling her was the wrong thing to do, to which I said:
"Don't get me wrong, there's happiness out there, I'll look for it. But I've already accepted the fact that I may not always get what I want, so I might as well help others get what they want."
It's all part of my "Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do" life philosophy
"People are like jigsaw puzzles where the pieces change shape over time. Some pieces may look really similar but won't fit together, other pieces might not look alike but fit perfectly. It takes luck and timing to find a piece that looks like yours and fits." - Sunrise Seeker
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