Perspectives

I guess I could say that 2010 hasn't started off the way I wanted it to. But you know what? I am still a lot better off than others out there. I still have my health, my home, my job, but most importantly my friends and family. There are others out there who have lost my entire list in the blink of an eye. As horrible as I feel for them, I can't help but feel happy and thankful that I still have those things in my life. Life may try to break me down and make me its bitch from time to time, but as long as I have those things in my life, I think I'll be ok. Thank you friends who have taken time to ask about me, to show genuine concern and say to me "Let's go out and talk about it". I am mostly an open book. But I tend to hide in the shelter of my own thoughts: I tend not to share openly. I share, but only if you choose to ask, or try and find out. I'm not going to shove my book in your face.  I'll just leave it on the table and let you peruse it at your own leisure. I guess I'm like that. If you show effort to know what's going on in my life, I will share, and ask for your book for me to read in return.

Anyway, back to my shelter... I guess having such a painful childhood made me put up a protective emotional and sometimes mental shell. It is in this habitat which I retreat into if I start to feel pain, a self-defense mechanism if you will. You see, when I was growing up, my friends were my only source of happiness. I didn't want to bring them down and let them know about my family problems and issues. I would put on a brave and happy face because I wouldn't want to ruin the good time we were having. None of my friends knew my parents were separated then eventually divorced for over 7 years. They all knew me as a super happy, never down, always there for a good laugh guy, and that's the way I wanted it to be. As I got older, I found out the hard way that this was becoming an impossible task. That sometimes, even your own burdens are too much for yourself to bear. I tried to remedy this by ignoring and putting aside my own burdens and taking on others problems as I tried to provide guidance to my friends. That worked for a little while but we all know that when you put problems on the back burner and ignore them, they tend to catch fire. When my own house catches fire, I believe it is my own responsibility to put it out, so I never ask for help. I guess that's why I write so much. It's my purging device, how I deal with the heat and the flames. But as the years have gone by, I also have been trying to use my friends more to share my problems with.

This is an apology to those who care about me, or who have ever cared about me. I know sometimes I may withdraw too deep in myself, I am sorry I don't share enough of me. It may be a month too late, but my New Year's resolution is to try and be more sharing of my problems with my friends and to be more involved in their lives as well.

I know I've used this quote in an earlier post, but it's so fitting with this post that I need to say it again.

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker