Sorry

Here is my apology, to everyone and anyone I've ever hurt, fucked up, or otherwise have given a sad day to. Most of these people have probably forgotten about past transgressions, or else forgiven me for them, but to those people that haven't, and I guess to even those who have forgotten/forgiven, listen up...

I'm sorry.

I was going to start this paragraph by saying that this isn't some sad attempt to relieve my conscience, but you know what? I ain't gonna lie, it is. Yes, this is some pathetic stab to relieve the guilt I sometimes feel when I take a step back and look at the string of events that has become my past. Yes, this is a sad try and set right my karma. I've done things I'm not proud of, I've made mistakes, I've hurt people, some very badly, but none with intent. I'm not perfect, and as much as I strive to be, I'm not. There were some of you though who deserved it. But even though my actions were not bred from malice, I am still sorry. Not sorry for hurting you explicitly, but sorry that you hurt me so much that I did not care that I caused you pain, or that I did what I did to start a new chapter in my life without you in its pages. I hope that you can find it in your hearts, maybe sometime in the future, to forgive me. And if by chance, if you are someone that I have wronged in the past, and do not feel this written apology is enough, write a comment with a way I can contact you and we can talk about whatever stupid thing I did. Your comments do not show up publicly until they are screened by me so if you wish to remain off my blog I will delete your comments.

"Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you." - Quote from Stargate Atlantis

P.S. lying in bed last night, I remembered that there was one person that I DID intentionally hurt, and I am NOT sorry for that. She deserved it. She hurt my friends, the people I care about. Justice was served.

Sacrifice, or Selfishness?

Quite a few years ago, I met this girl, let's call her Darla. I met Darla at work and we hit it off quite well. She was a few years younger than me, and while usually that's not important, it is in this case because she was at the important age of 19-21, an age where there are huge transitions in life. Darla wasn't your typical hot blonde. Oh don't get me wrong, she was blonde and she was hot (being a competitive swimmer kept her in VERY nice shape). But you see, I'm not usually attracted to hot blondes. What got me hooked was her quirky sense of humour, her amazing intelligence, but most importantly, she was for her age, uncharacteristically mature. In fact, it was her maturity that made her stand out from the rest. Yup Darla was quite the package.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Darla showed an interest in me too. We hung out together outside of work, and always had fun. We went on a road trip together along with a mutual friend and we had one of the best times of my life. So how come Darla and I never hooked up? Well, that's the reason why this entry is here. I want to ask you, the reader, what would you have done in my shoes and maybe just spark a discussion (something this blog has lacked for a loooong time). Now, I have to fill you in with a little background so you can fully understand my side of this.

I was about 22-23 years of age and totally lost in life. I was working at a job which I could not see as being my career. I was having huge problems with school, and honestly I couldn't see my future as being very bright. Basically I was stuck in a HUGE rut and feeling really shitty. Most people don't know this about me, but I am my own toughest critic. When I get down on myself, it gets pretty bad. Now, I really liked Darla, A LOT, and apparently the feeling was very mutual. As mentioned previously, we worked together. But this job for her was a stop gap. She was going back to school in the next half year and it was her plan to goto the US to study to be an electrical or chemical engineer. She mentioned that she really wanted to work at NASA. Darla had big plans with her life. Now, I knew that if we got together there would have been fireworks, it would have been great, and I knew that Darla would have tried to make it work even long distance, she's that type of responsible person. But I thought that the right thing to do was to let her go. At that point, my life wasn't going anywhere, and I couldn't see it going anywhere. She, on the other hand, was about to take her first step to what I knew would be a very successful life. I thought in my mind that I would just be holding her back, and although we might be really happy for a few short months, in the long term she'd be better off free, without me. I knew what life was like at University, and I thought that being tied down to a long-distance boyfriend with no future in sight would be a hindrance. Yes it made me really sad that I was giving up a chance to date someone like her, but I thought that the sacrifice would in the end make her (and I guess to a certain degree, me) happier in the long run.

I've told this story to only a couple of people, and they've told me that instead of being unselfish like I intended, I was actually being the opposite because I was making a decision for her. That since she wanted a relationship I just should have tried and make it work and see what happened. While I agree with this view, and I would have offered the same advice to a friend if they were in a similar situation, I have to reiterate the point that I was at one of the lowest points in my life during that time. I didn't think I had a future and I thought that she deserved better, MUCH better. I think it was three or four weeks after our roadtrip, and after multiple chances I had to start a relationship with her, she called me and asked me out for a drink. We talked and laughed, and at the end of the night, she told me that she was starting to see someone. See, that's the kind of maturity I was talking about; it's hard to find. We were still friends after that but not for too long after; we lost touch after she quit work and went off to school.

Now, I know there are at least a few of you asking for an epilogue to this story. Unfortunately I've lost touch with Darla. A couple of years ago I heard that she actually ended up going to school in Ontario (I think) and actually ended up dating someone from our old work place while she was there. He went to school in the US and they tried the long-d thing. I'm not sure what happened after that. It would be nice to see how she's doing. I saw her two years ago at the start line of the CIBC Run for the Cure briefly. We just managed to exchange hellos before the run started. Through a complete coincidence I chatted with someone who was close friends with her and she gave me her email address. I emailed Darla, but never received a reply.

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.' - From The Far Side, by Gary Larson

Why Dr. Phil is better than God

I had a startling revelation at work today.

For a long time now I've believed that religion is for people who can't or fail at believing in the power of themselves, that believing in a higher power gives them a sense of purpose, that if they just think "all I have to rely on is myself, I'll fail. There's got to be more to life than just this current existence." But basically, religion tells people already what they know deep down inside, but are for some reason or rather, fail to listen to it unless it comes from "a higher authority" or else the fear of going to "Hell" (or not making it into the Pearly Gates) makes them do it. Please read my entry on Faith for further discussion on that topic.

Also, I've known for a long time that's the same reason why people love Dr. Phil, because what he spews out is already common sense, you already know what you should do, but until you hear it from someone else or someone authoritative (I don't think he is, just that other people do), you don't realize it or act on it.

So as I was sitting at my desk today, clacking away at my keyboard, and it hit me... Dr. Phil is better than God because although they both tell you what you should do although you already know you should do it, but people don't start wars and kill their own kind in the name of Dr. Phil.

Not yet anyway...

"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich." - Unknown

"On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.." - Unknown

Chase!

I was doing some blog reading this afternoon, and I came across this quote:

"don't chase what you can't catch"

But how do you know if it's not catchable if you never begin the chase?
Not everything that seems out of reach is unreachable.
There are life lessons to be learned in failure.

I also know that I said in an earlier entry to save your energy for the battles (or chases) that you can win. But there isn't a hard and fast set of rules to determine which are the situations you'll avail. Sadly, you must fail in order to have a chance to know where you will succeed. But have faith, strength, go forward and challenge yourself, or else you'll just end up stuck in the past and remain stagnant.

It is part of the human condition to go after what we cannot get.
In fact to not chase what you can't catch, is well...to be not human.

"Why be born again, when you can just grow up?" - Anonymous quote on religion.

The Pain of Progress

One of the toughest things after breaking up with someone is discarding that half of you that you gave to your ex-significant other. It's time to move on, and even though you have maintained your "own identity", you can't deny that a part of you has been forcefully removed and all that is there now is emptiness. One of the steps on the road to recovery is discovering again who you are without that person, what your happinesses are, what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. You must grow back that part of you which you gave away, and it can hurt. It can really hurt trying to carry on by yourself, but what is worse is hanging on to the past. Your soul needs to heal, it needs to grow whole again, and by hanging on to the past and denying that you are now without the other person, denies your soul that healing process, denies yourself the chance to become complete again. Yah it hurts like a bitch to admit it's over and let go. But the longer you hang on, the longer you live in denial, the longer it'll take for you to heal.

"Be courageous! Have faith! Go Forward!" - Thomas A. Edison

So In Love With Two

What do you do when there are two loves in your life, but being with one means hurting the other? Let's not ignore the moral implications and avoid the "it should never have happened in the first place" discussions please, that's not what this entry is about. Let's just imagine that somehow you got here, because let's face it, Love in most cases is beyond our control. So here you are, your heart as opened itself not only once, but twice, and to people who do not want to share you with the other.

I was going to lay down a scenario here, a little set-up of a setting, a small backstory, but after debating it, it would cause much less tangential bantering (to the scope of this entry anyway) and allow us to focus on the point. You're in the middle, doesn't matter how you got here, you're here, deal with it. While we're at it, to simplify things a little more, and to help gain focus to my point, let's just ignore the complication of sexual intercourse, children, and any other types of marital, financial, and social bindings. (are you starting to get a headache, cause I am a little).

Anyway, now that we're all here... what do we do? It tears your heart apart to have to hurt one, but you have to hurt one in order to spend time with the other. This is what I see for options:

1. ignore both (and hurting everyone in the process),
2. pick one (and seriously hurt the other, and yourself because you are leaving behind someone you love),
   
3. continue hurting both to satisfy your need to be with both, and of course, both of their needs to be with you.
   

So for #1, this will be the most fair to all parties I think, but being fair isn't always the right thing, right? As for #2, you will lose someone you deeply care about, and who cares about you, possibly forever, can you live with yourself after doing that? #3 the most selfish in my opinion, but at the same time, the other 2 options require you to hurt at least 1 other person. So for #3, should both the other parties learn to accept that there are just two important people in your life?

I've deliberately left the options and the pros and cons of them open, as to generate discussion. Please, send me some comments or write in my sidebar please.

I need to go to bed, it's 5:30 am over here, so please feel free to tell me I'm totally out to lunch on this one. If I have the time and the energy, I'll try and make a bit more sense.

I feel very Demotivatory tonight, so here's a another borrowed quote (and also might give you the gumption to reply to this entry):

"Compromise - Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be." - Quote from Demotivators

Grains of Sand In Your Palm

Being truly in love means that you accept the possibility of losing the one you love. For true love is unselfish. Being unselfish means that you are happy for them as long as they are happy. If their happiness lies somewhere else other than with you, although you are sad to see them go, somewhere underneath the sadness, it may be buried pretty deep, but in there somewhere, you are happy to know they have found their sunshine. Plus, love is like trying to hold sand in your hand, if you clench a fist and try and grip it tight... you get the idea. If you're having problems with trust, then maybe it's time to find someone else. To love is to trust, and if someone abuses that trust, they are abusing your love. Of course, like I've said in previous posts, take everything in moderation, there are exceptions to the rule!

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message." - Anonymous

Introspection Through Writing

I know my words aren't exactly revolutionary. In fact, I know that a lot of you out there, deep down inside you, already know these words on my page as your own. But it helps when you actually see your thoughts as words on a page, doesn't it? It helps reinforce your own thoughts, and may help you see things about yourself a little more clearly. That's another reason why this blog exists. My rants aren't just for people out here to read, but for my own mental reinforcement. I think that putting your own thoughts in writing can often help you organize your thoughts and maybe supply a little clairvoyance into your own thoughts and emotions. It's just like teaching. Teaching is a great way to understand something. It forces you to understand the foundations of what you are teaching, but more than that, it also requires you to understand the nuances and not only see the big picture of your subject matter, but the little things as well. Also for me, writing requires thinking, and sometimes (yah only sometimes) when I think, my train of thought can wander into places I haven't explored before. Even if you never publish anything you write, try writing something, you might discover something new about yourself or see something in this world you've never seen before.

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental." - Anonymous