It Was At That Moment

I was reading through my blog, and I said I would do 2 things. One was to write one of my life defining moments and the other was to post a short story or poem I wrote. Since I accomplished the former in my last entry, I thought that with this entry I would finish the latter. So without further ado:


It Was At That Moment
It was at that moment when I opened the door to the bus station and stepped outside into the cold winter morning I realized that she was gone from my life. A warm tear crept down my cheek as I ran towards the car, fighting off the stinging cold and the cold sting of realization.

Maybe I should have said more to her, how everything about her drove me nuts. From the way her hair fell over her face, to the way she folded her legs when she sat, to the way she became all excited and giddy when she talked about something she really liked. Should I have told her how hard I had tried not to like her, how the feelings slowly crept up from behind and knocked me on my ass? Should I have said to her how the past couple of months have been a tumultuous joyride of happiness and repressed pain? No. Too much had been said already, but it still wasn't everything I had wanted to say.

It was too late now anyway.

I sat down in the car and turned on the ignition. Warm air started blowing through the vents and stirred the air inside the cabin. Her sweet smell still lingered and caught me off guard. Unconsciously I slowly closed my eyes and drew in a slow breath of the scent. I traveled back 2 minutes in the past, when I was warm and still in her embrace. Yes, it was the same scent I drew from her hair as we hugged goodbye for the last time. Had I done the right thing? Was not letting her know how I really felt the correct course? Yes, was the unwanted answer. After all, she was moving, moving to start a new life, a better life. According to my own set of rules, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do.

As the car warmed up I pulled out onto the street. I glanced back at the window where she was sitting to try and steal one last glimpse... but she had already got up from her seat and moved on.

Today's Quote:

"Always remember, others may hate you. Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." - Richard Nixon

A Life Defining Moment.

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I've never hit a woman out of anger in my entire life. I mean, I've punched them in jest and for fun, but never with malicious intent. Only once in my life have I ever even thought about hitting a woman. One of my ex's, she cheated on me twice and lied to me in front of my face and even accused ME of cheating on her. Believe it or not, that's really not the worst that she did to me. She REALLY screwed me around in other ways. There just came a point where the anger and frustration welled up inside me so much that I thought I was going to explode. That was the moment when I was EXTREMELY close to hitting a woman. It took every ounce of restraint and self control I had to stay my hand, turn, and walk away. That incident frightened me in a way that I had never been frightened before. When push comes to shove, what am I REALLY capable of? I mean, I never EVER thought that in my life I'd ever even come close to hitting a woman. That incident was damn close. It's kind of a dark subject. Most of us really do not know how we would act in a crisis or panic situation, or what we're really capable of doing if push came to shove. For those who don't believe, I really do have a dark side to me. Only a few people that I've ever talked to in my life know about it. Once in my life, I would like to see what that side of me is capable of doing if it were allowed free reign of my faculties... It's a notion, that at the same time, I hope that never realizes itself, quite the paradox if you think about it. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Those who have made the mistake, are the few who have seen my dark side. I'm a very tolerant person. It takes A LOT to get on my bad side (usually repeated abuse of my kindness and tolerance), but if you do, may god have mercy on your soul, MOUOUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaaaahahahahahaaa. And for those of you who know me and think "I can't imagine at all that you could be capable of being really mean" (I've gotten that response many times), just keep thinking that way. For the most part, it's true.

This next part is in response to a comment left on the previous post, T.G.I.F.,

I am totally speechless. Honestly, what you said ranks up there in the top 5 most memorable things said to me. It gives me much joy and motivation to know that my words are making a difference and that I'm just not talking to myself out here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Today's quote:

"It isn't so much that people are against you as they are for themselves" - from the book "Life is a Taxi Ride"

T.G.I.F.!

I'd rather have people know me for who I am inside instead of what I look like. I'd rather have people read a piece of my writing or hear my words and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" than have them look at a pic of me and say, "Hey!! That's (SunriseSeeker)!!" Outward appearances are easily changed, personality is not. I'd rather have people discover me inside out instead of outside in. On a related note, people who I meet in person first, and then read my writings, tell me that they're quite surprised that I am capable of more than just grunts and mumbles. On the flipside, people who read what I write in here first, and then meet me later are
surprised on my physical appearance. I guess it's not REALLY that surprising really. I'm the kind of person that likes to keep people on their toes. I try hard to break away from stereotypes. And I like to surprise people with different aspects of my persona. Just like Shrek, "I'm an onion." =) On an unrelated note, how often do you try to repair a boat that just keeps springing leaks? I think it's time to abandon ship.

Today's quote is something I've always felt but never voiced in a "capture the idea in a sentence" kinda way. It amazes me how many people see the world in such a defined way. Those people should realize that there's shades of grey and colour in EVERYTHING, that there's a at LEAST one exception to every rule. They should realize because we are humans, and therefore susceptible to human nature, that hard and fast rules only apply to a majority. But to truly understand life and people, you need to look beyond those stereotypes and turn your attention to the unseen, the undefined.

"See the world in black and white, and you'll miss the colours of life." - SunriseSeeker

True Colours in Adversity

I believe that the only way to truly see who someone is when are facing true adversity. What a person does when their back is against the wall, or when they're facing insurmountable odds, tells a lot about who they are. Another time when people's true colours shine is when they think no one is watching them. Do they commit deeds of good? Or do they take the route of hedonism no matter the moral implications? I think that's why I like testing myself so much. I like pushing myself, see where my limits are, and I encourage you to do the same thing. I believe that there have been a few moments in my life that have truly tested my core being, and although I have suffered much because of those moments, I know who I am, what I am capable or not capable of doing. Defining one's self I believe is important and thanks to what's happened to me in my life, I am able to do so. I still test myself though, I try not to take the easy way out of things. I am also very competitive. Although it's more of a competition with myself more than anything. For example, when playing sports, I am more happy than if I played my best and lost, then if the opponent was no challenge at all and I won. I enjoy being pushed and I enjoy being tested. Maybe in some future posts I'll describe some of my life defining moments. But it's getting late, and my bed looks pretty inviting.

This is one of the few quotes that I live by, because I am a person who practices what he preaches:

"The right thing to do, is most often the hardest thing to do."
- SunriseSeeker

Turn that Frown Upside-Down

One of my very very good friends said to me, "you sound pretty calm for having that many unfortuate events happen to you". My reply to her was "Yah I'm calm, how else should I be? It's not like I can fight back against life... if I could, you bet your sweet little ass I would. but since I can't, there's not use, so yah, just stay calm and enjoy the things I still have."

My aunt whom I love dearly said to me when I was younger, when I was having all sorts of family problems. She's Chinese, so here is my translation of her words:

"Don't try and fight every battle, don't fight the battles you know you can't win to save your energy for the battles that you can."

%#$^@!#&*$!^ 2005!!!

So yah, just when I thought things were settling down and I could actually start enjoying 2005... I walk back to my car after work last night and find the front passenger side window smashed. Yup, someone broke into my car and of all things, they took just my gym bag. I had some pretty nice shoes and dri-fit shorts and shirt. Also inside was my iPod waist belt, remote and inner earbuds. So not including the window, I'm out $400 worth of stuff. WHY DOES 2005 HATE ME?!?!!?!

No quote this post, too upset...

Poker - Luck vs. Skill (how to win in the long run)

It always kills me when people say there is no skill involved in poker, that it's all luck since your playing cards. Well of course there is luck involved, as there is with ANYTHING that involves random principles. Where skill becomes involved, is how you play the numbers in the long run to stay in the black. If luck was the ONLY factor in gambling, how do casinos stay in business? They do because they have a small edge due to the "house rules". These rules are the rules that the table games follow that allow the casino to make money because of the Law of Large Numbers (Law of Averages). The Law basically states that in the long run, averages WILL play out. BUT, because of the "house rules" and the edge that it gives the casino, the casino will still make money. If you plan to stay in the game in the long run, you need to give yourself the same edge if you play poker. This is where skill becomes involved. Sure you may suffer some pretty bad beats, have several losing sessions in a row. But if you play enough, the Law of Averages will also allow you to give out bad beats and have several winning sessions in a row. Now, if you add skill and discipline into the mix, you can maximize your wins during those winning streaks and minimize your losses during losing streaks as well as sometimes turning what can be a losing session into a small winning session. This is the difference between one who plays cards, and a cardplayer. If you want more advice playing poker, there are MANY online resources available or my recommendation is to buy a poker book. The best free advice I can think of is reading the poker or card player magazines they have lying around in the card rooms at casinos . There are some really good articles by pros and semi-pros in there. Also you can visit another blog maintained by an acquaintance of mine http://pokerkaiedmonton.blogspot.com/ . He is a professional poker player who lives in the same city as me, and I've had the opportunity to see him in live action a couple of times. He's a really good player.

Remember, there definitely is luck involved in poker, but if you want a profitable long-run in poker, learn and develop discipline and skill. Good luck out there!

"The trick to happiness is not learning to get what you want, but to learn to want what you get." - Unknown

Il Mare and Fate

I just finished watching this very good love story called Il Mare. It's a Korean film (looking it up in IMDB, looks like Hollywood is going to attempt to retell it. I hope they don't slaughter the movie since they already have cast on of my LEAST favorite actors, Keanu Reaves). There are some minor holes in the movie, but they shouldn't detract from the overall enjoyment of the movie. I really liked how the movie ended; I just sat there watching the credits, hoping there would be more. How the movie ends, it allows your imagination to take over, and as a lover of good stories, I like it when storytellers leave things to your imagination. I myself though, would have written the ending differently. You can send me a comment and I'd be happy to discuss this movie and my version of the ending.

Watching this movie made me think, can I really fight Fate? I believe that we as creatures of the space and time, are only allowed to walk certain paths in our life, that Fate brings us to crossroads and doors. It is up to us though, to open these doors and choose which roads to take. Fate cannot force our hand to open doors, or force our feet to turn left instead of right at those crossroads. Fate merely presents us the opportunity to open those doors or choose those roads. I don't believe we live a predetermined life, but a life that we choose ourselves, albeit from a number of finite choices. For example, a child who is born in a 3rd world country compared to a child born here, Fate is going to present a VERY different path filled with very different doors and crossroads. I liken life to a path because I also believe that in our lives, different paths and doors sometimes will often meet up again down the road. Also, it allows the notion of paths and doors intertwining with other's paths and doors.

Going along now with another metaphor, the events leading up to this exact moment in my life, have made me believe that life has given me an incomplete deck to play against Fate. While Fate has a full 52 cards to play with and can make the all the hands possible, I am limited to only making weaker hands. So although I may make a pair or at most two Pair and beat Fate when it holds only a lower pair, sometimes even when I make by best hand of top two pair, more often than not Fate can produce a hand that'll slaughter mine. The only thing I can do in life is to keep trying to make two pair and hope that on the things that matter, Fate will only show me a pair. Now how do I combine these two descriptions of Fate into my complete vision of it? Well, I think that each time you beat Fate in a hand, more doors and crossroads open up to you, that you have to keep trying to make the best hand you can in life so you can create opportunities for yourself.

I'm not gonna go down without a fight.

I found this quote after I developed my doors theory on fate, but it shows great minds think alike =P:

"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don`t see the one that has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell