BSG Thou Art a Cruel Lover

So it's the last season of the best show on TV, Battlestar Galactica. To those fans that are watching (actually that's kind of redundant because the show is so good that if you even watch one episode, you'd be an instant fan), I got a question. What do you think Earth will be like when they find it? Will it be a futuristic Earth, or a modern day Earth like today? Or do you think that maybe they'll find an ancient Earth? And how will their religion tie into all of this?

Ah BSG, you do this to me every week, tease me, titillate me, show me what I want and still leave me wanting more.

"In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you wake up in the morning." - Carl Sandburg

I <3 Discovery Channel

I was watching "Inside the US Mint" today and heard the narrator talk about coins and say something like"...be in perfect condition just like when it left the Mint."

So is that where the phrase "mint condition" comes from?

"To decide to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life." -Arbie M. Dale

Don't Look a Karma Gift Horse in the Mouth

I know we're all guilty of this.

You're having a shitty day, and you think to yourself, "Why me?", and wallow in a tiny tiny pool of anger and self-pity that we tell ourselves we're allowed to jump into once in a while. Well, I had a little experience a few weeks ago that has made me stop taking even the bad things that happen for granted.

I got stuck on a project at work that made me leave five minutes late past peak hours. I work on the top floor of an office building and there's only one elevator that services my floor after peak hours. So if you miss it, it's a real bitch to wait for that one elevator. So here I was, cursing that I would have to wait like 5 minutes for an elevator. I was literally walking out the office door into the elevator lobby when all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off. So now I'm even more pissed cause now I have to walk down 33 flights of stairs because all the elevators shut down during an alarm. It may not seem like a big deal, but I bring a huge ass 17" notebook to work with a lot of accessories which including my carrying case, is an extra 17-18 lbs. of weight. Trotting down 33 flights of stairs with that extra weight is actually pretty hard on the knees. So there I was swearing because of that fricking project that had made me 5 minutes late, was actually going to make me 20 minutes late and give me sore knees the next day. I was not a happy camper.

Soooooooooo, the next day, I discovered that the fire alarm went off because the one elevator that serviced my floor, had a small fire. I'll give you a couple of seconds here to simulate the stoppage in time I experienced as my jaw dropped and my brain slowed down to imagine what would have happened if I would have gotten off work in time.
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Yah EXACTLY!!!! Instead of standing at there, at that moment in time, jaw agape, I could be in the morgue right now, a victim of being burned alive or at best in the hospital with severe smoke inhalation.

So that lead me to think, maybe I should be extremely happy in life right now. Perhaps karma has given me the lesser (or at least the not MOST severe) of the multiple traumas that could have happened to me. So the next time you curse your bad luck for having that green traffic light turn red when you're already tardy, or not winning some cruise you sooo wanted to go on, try not to stay in a bad mood too long. Maybe you managed to evade being t-boned by some idiot who ran a red three intersections ahead? Or maybe you just managed to avoid contracting a fatal tropical disease? Or, you never know... maybe karma *is* pissing on you and you would have had a fantastic vacation?

"Sometimes in order to move forward, you must leave something behind" - Unknown

Sorry

Here is my apology, to everyone and anyone I've ever hurt, fucked up, or otherwise have given a sad day to. Most of these people have probably forgotten about past transgressions, or else forgiven me for them, but to those people that haven't, and I guess to even those who have forgotten/forgiven, listen up...

I'm sorry.

I was going to start this paragraph by saying that this isn't some sad attempt to relieve my conscience, but you know what? I ain't gonna lie, it is. Yes, this is some pathetic stab to relieve the guilt I sometimes feel when I take a step back and look at the string of events that has become my past. Yes, this is a sad try and set right my karma. I've done things I'm not proud of, I've made mistakes, I've hurt people, some very badly, but none with intent. I'm not perfect, and as much as I strive to be, I'm not. There were some of you though who deserved it. But even though my actions were not bred from malice, I am still sorry. Not sorry for hurting you explicitly, but sorry that you hurt me so much that I did not care that I caused you pain, or that I did what I did to start a new chapter in my life without you in its pages. I hope that you can find it in your hearts, maybe sometime in the future, to forgive me. And if by chance, if you are someone that I have wronged in the past, and do not feel this written apology is enough, write a comment with a way I can contact you and we can talk about whatever stupid thing I did. Your comments do not show up publicly until they are screened by me so if you wish to remain off my blog I will delete your comments.

"Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you." - Quote from Stargate Atlantis

P.S. lying in bed last night, I remembered that there was one person that I DID intentionally hurt, and I am NOT sorry for that. She deserved it. She hurt my friends, the people I care about. Justice was served.

Sacrifice, or Selfishness?

Quite a few years ago, I met this girl, let's call her Darla. I met Darla at work and we hit it off quite well. She was a few years younger than me, and while usually that's not important, it is in this case because she was at the important age of 19-21, an age where there are huge transitions in life. Darla wasn't your typical hot blonde. Oh don't get me wrong, she was blonde and she was hot (being a competitive swimmer kept her in VERY nice shape). But you see, I'm not usually attracted to hot blondes. What got me hooked was her quirky sense of humour, her amazing intelligence, but most importantly, she was for her age, uncharacteristically mature. In fact, it was her maturity that made her stand out from the rest. Yup Darla was quite the package.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Darla showed an interest in me too. We hung out together outside of work, and always had fun. We went on a road trip together along with a mutual friend and we had one of the best times of my life. So how come Darla and I never hooked up? Well, that's the reason why this entry is here. I want to ask you, the reader, what would you have done in my shoes and maybe just spark a discussion (something this blog has lacked for a loooong time). Now, I have to fill you in with a little background so you can fully understand my side of this.

I was about 22-23 years of age and totally lost in life. I was working at a job which I could not see as being my career. I was having huge problems with school, and honestly I couldn't see my future as being very bright. Basically I was stuck in a HUGE rut and feeling really shitty. Most people don't know this about me, but I am my own toughest critic. When I get down on myself, it gets pretty bad. Now, I really liked Darla, A LOT, and apparently the feeling was very mutual. As mentioned previously, we worked together. But this job for her was a stop gap. She was going back to school in the next half year and it was her plan to goto the US to study to be an electrical or chemical engineer. She mentioned that she really wanted to work at NASA. Darla had big plans with her life. Now, I knew that if we got together there would have been fireworks, it would have been great, and I knew that Darla would have tried to make it work even long distance, she's that type of responsible person. But I thought that the right thing to do was to let her go. At that point, my life wasn't going anywhere, and I couldn't see it going anywhere. She, on the other hand, was about to take her first step to what I knew would be a very successful life. I thought in my mind that I would just be holding her back, and although we might be really happy for a few short months, in the long term she'd be better off free, without me. I knew what life was like at University, and I thought that being tied down to a long-distance boyfriend with no future in sight would be a hindrance. Yes it made me really sad that I was giving up a chance to date someone like her, but I thought that the sacrifice would in the end make her (and I guess to a certain degree, me) happier in the long run.

I've told this story to only a couple of people, and they've told me that instead of being unselfish like I intended, I was actually being the opposite because I was making a decision for her. That since she wanted a relationship I just should have tried and make it work and see what happened. While I agree with this view, and I would have offered the same advice to a friend if they were in a similar situation, I have to reiterate the point that I was at one of the lowest points in my life during that time. I didn't think I had a future and I thought that she deserved better, MUCH better. I think it was three or four weeks after our roadtrip, and after multiple chances I had to start a relationship with her, she called me and asked me out for a drink. We talked and laughed, and at the end of the night, she told me that she was starting to see someone. See, that's the kind of maturity I was talking about; it's hard to find. We were still friends after that but not for too long after; we lost touch after she quit work and went off to school.

Now, I know there are at least a few of you asking for an epilogue to this story. Unfortunately I've lost touch with Darla. A couple of years ago I heard that she actually ended up going to school in Ontario (I think) and actually ended up dating someone from our old work place while she was there. He went to school in the US and they tried the long-d thing. I'm not sure what happened after that. It would be nice to see how she's doing. I saw her two years ago at the start line of the CIBC Run for the Cure briefly. We just managed to exchange hellos before the run started. Through a complete coincidence I chatted with someone who was close friends with her and she gave me her email address. I emailed Darla, but never received a reply.

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.' - From The Far Side, by Gary Larson

Why Dr. Phil is better than God

I had a startling revelation at work today.

For a long time now I've believed that religion is for people who can't or fail at believing in the power of themselves, that believing in a higher power gives them a sense of purpose, that if they just think "all I have to rely on is myself, I'll fail. There's got to be more to life than just this current existence." But basically, religion tells people already what they know deep down inside, but are for some reason or rather, fail to listen to it unless it comes from "a higher authority" or else the fear of going to "Hell" (or not making it into the Pearly Gates) makes them do it. Please read my entry on Faith for further discussion on that topic.

Also, I've known for a long time that's the same reason why people love Dr. Phil, because what he spews out is already common sense, you already know what you should do, but until you hear it from someone else or someone authoritative (I don't think he is, just that other people do), you don't realize it or act on it.

So as I was sitting at my desk today, clacking away at my keyboard, and it hit me... Dr. Phil is better than God because although they both tell you what you should do although you already know you should do it, but people don't start wars and kill their own kind in the name of Dr. Phil.

Not yet anyway...

"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich." - Unknown

"On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.." - Unknown

Chase!

I was doing some blog reading this afternoon, and I came across this quote:

"don't chase what you can't catch"

But how do you know if it's not catchable if you never begin the chase?
Not everything that seems out of reach is unreachable.
There are life lessons to be learned in failure.

I also know that I said in an earlier entry to save your energy for the battles (or chases) that you can win. But there isn't a hard and fast set of rules to determine which are the situations you'll avail. Sadly, you must fail in order to have a chance to know where you will succeed. But have faith, strength, go forward and challenge yourself, or else you'll just end up stuck in the past and remain stagnant.

It is part of the human condition to go after what we cannot get.
In fact to not chase what you can't catch, is well...to be not human.

"Why be born again, when you can just grow up?" - Anonymous quote on religion.

The Pain of Progress

One of the toughest things after breaking up with someone is discarding that half of you that you gave to your ex-significant other. It's time to move on, and even though you have maintained your "own identity", you can't deny that a part of you has been forcefully removed and all that is there now is emptiness. One of the steps on the road to recovery is discovering again who you are without that person, what your happinesses are, what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. You must grow back that part of you which you gave away, and it can hurt. It can really hurt trying to carry on by yourself, but what is worse is hanging on to the past. Your soul needs to heal, it needs to grow whole again, and by hanging on to the past and denying that you are now without the other person, denies your soul that healing process, denies yourself the chance to become complete again. Yah it hurts like a bitch to admit it's over and let go. But the longer you hang on, the longer you live in denial, the longer it'll take for you to heal.

"Be courageous! Have faith! Go Forward!" - Thomas A. Edison