Year 5.

I can't believe it's been 5 years since my first post.  So much has happened in the last 5 years.  I thought that I would eventually stop writing in this blog, that I'd run out of things to say, and yah, there have been some dry spells.  But I guess this blog will always be here since as much as I want to avoid drama in my life, it always seems to find me.

Feb 24th... it's just another day.

"If you can't get rid of the skeletons in your closet, then at least try and make them dance." - Unknown

Perspectives

I guess I could say that 2010 hasn't started off the way I wanted it to. But you know what? I am still a lot better off than others out there. I still have my health, my home, my job, but most importantly my friends and family. There are others out there who have lost my entire list in the blink of an eye. As horrible as I feel for them, I can't help but feel happy and thankful that I still have those things in my life. Life may try to break me down and make me its bitch from time to time, but as long as I have those things in my life, I think I'll be ok. Thank you friends who have taken time to ask about me, to show genuine concern and say to me "Let's go out and talk about it". I am mostly an open book. But I tend to hide in the shelter of my own thoughts: I tend not to share openly. I share, but only if you choose to ask, or try and find out. I'm not going to shove my book in your face.  I'll just leave it on the table and let you peruse it at your own leisure. I guess I'm like that. If you show effort to know what's going on in my life, I will share, and ask for your book for me to read in return.

Anyway, back to my shelter... I guess having such a painful childhood made me put up a protective emotional and sometimes mental shell. It is in this habitat which I retreat into if I start to feel pain, a self-defense mechanism if you will. You see, when I was growing up, my friends were my only source of happiness. I didn't want to bring them down and let them know about my family problems and issues. I would put on a brave and happy face because I wouldn't want to ruin the good time we were having. None of my friends knew my parents were separated then eventually divorced for over 7 years. They all knew me as a super happy, never down, always there for a good laugh guy, and that's the way I wanted it to be. As I got older, I found out the hard way that this was becoming an impossible task. That sometimes, even your own burdens are too much for yourself to bear. I tried to remedy this by ignoring and putting aside my own burdens and taking on others problems as I tried to provide guidance to my friends. That worked for a little while but we all know that when you put problems on the back burner and ignore them, they tend to catch fire. When my own house catches fire, I believe it is my own responsibility to put it out, so I never ask for help. I guess that's why I write so much. It's my purging device, how I deal with the heat and the flames. But as the years have gone by, I also have been trying to use my friends more to share my problems with.

This is an apology to those who care about me, or who have ever cared about me. I know sometimes I may withdraw too deep in myself, I am sorry I don't share enough of me. It may be a month too late, but my New Year's resolution is to try and be more sharing of my problems with my friends and to be more involved in their lives as well.

I know I've used this quote in an earlier post, but it's so fitting with this post that I need to say it again.

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker

Shoe... on the Other Foot.

Sometimes things in life come our way whether we are deserving or not. Now whether we have the luck, and the will to keep these things in our life, that's a different story. I think I have the will, now I just hope I have the luck.

"When love is not madness, it is not love."  - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Soak

I was reading my blog last night and came across my Pain Sponge entry.   Near the end I said "Don't get me wrong, there's happiness out there, I'll look for it. But I've already accepted the fact that I may not always get what I want, so I might as well help others get what they want."  I should have never forgotten that and compartmentalize...

I wish I could settle sometimes, why am I so picky?  Why is it that I won't settle for anything less than total and utter passion-filled, free-falling, gut wrenching love?  Maybe because I've been fortunate to have loved and be loved by some extraordinary women, that I am now spoiled.  It's hard to go back to water once you've tasted ambrosia, at least for me.

I can't change who I am right?

"Fun Fact: Girls have unique magic tricks: They get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard." - Anonymous

Your Own Medicine is Hard to Swallow

The title has a double meaning.

First off, I had to swallow a spoonful of my own "the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do" today.  I'm still fighting to keep that medicine down and I don't know if I can keep it down.

So I was feeling REALLY shitty, then out of the a blue an old friend shows up in chat and we start talking.  I hadn't talked to her in over a year and we got to talking about her career and how she was unhappy in it, severely overworked and severely underpaid.  This is how the convo went (edit for brevity and clarity):



me: awwww... you seem so down when I talk to you now
you used to be so much more cheery
what happened to that girl?

her: i realized that my optimism was just a front for resisting failure
so now i'm afraid of failure and very aware that i am idle because of it

me: what? are you living life you like you've failed?

her: pretty much

me: just adjust your outlook, your expectations of self. I went through the exact same thing you're going through 9-10 years ago.
Life rarely goes according to plan. change plans

her: :|

me: easier said than done I know
you just gotta drop your younger and now less valid expectations of yourself
realize what you CAN do instead of what you CAN'T. seriously, when I was 23-24.. woah, that's like 10 years ago now... man I am OLD. I felt like such a loser. going nowhere
always looking at my failures

me: I am NOWHERE I thought I would be when I was 18-22
but I adjusted

me: just because you can't find the path you were on previously doesn't mean you're lost


So I had to swallow another pill of mine today.  How can I dispense advice not take some of it myself?  I despise hypocrisy so I am going to try my best to find a new path; give up searching for the old one.  Even though the old one may have been the yellow brick road, maybe it wasn't meant for my feet.  I am sure that now more than ever, I am  meant to walk the tough and uphill road.  Every time I think I find a road that will take me where I want to go, I get thrown off it and land hard on my ass.  But life's a journey right?  I just gotta get up, dust myself off, put my feet on that rough and rocky path and force my tired legs to walk. But that will just make my feet tougher, make my legs stronger, so that when the next obstacle comes, it'll be that much easier to overcome.

Thanks for showing up at the right time today, you've made my day better and my own medicine a little bit easier to swallow.

"It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." - Abraham Maslow

After a While

I was sent this poem a long time ago, perhaps 12 years ago now.  I haven't read it in a while, but it holds a dear place in my heart not for the person who sent it to me, but for the meaning it has to me now.  When I first read this over a dozen years ago, I was very young and overly optimistic.  I thought that love conquered all, that all you need is love.  Every few years since then I've revisited these words, and I've been able to soak up a little more of it's solemn wisdom every time.  With every good-bye, whether I've said them or someone has said it to me, I've learned.

After a While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

- Veronica A. Shoffstall

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Joke!

A store that sells husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous , Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

"A whore is a girl who sleeps with everyone... a bitch is a girl who sleeps with everyone but you" - Anonymous

Run for the Cure 2009

After an absence of 2 years from the Run, I've decided it was time I contributed again by rejoining. If you wish to provide donations, you may do so online at https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/p.asp?t=3490676&l=1

Or better yet, if you live in the Edmonton area, you can join my team "My Legs Hurt" and participate in the Run yourself!

If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment and I will reply.

I haven't been running in a while, so my goal is just to finish. I'm not going to run competitively this year.

"Do not let what you can't do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden