Your Own Medicine is Hard to Swallow

The title has a double meaning.

First off, I had to swallow a spoonful of my own "the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do" today.  I'm still fighting to keep that medicine down and I don't know if I can keep it down.

So I was feeling REALLY shitty, then out of the a blue an old friend shows up in chat and we start talking.  I hadn't talked to her in over a year and we got to talking about her career and how she was unhappy in it, severely overworked and severely underpaid.  This is how the convo went (edit for brevity and clarity):



me: awwww... you seem so down when I talk to you now
you used to be so much more cheery
what happened to that girl?

her: i realized that my optimism was just a front for resisting failure
so now i'm afraid of failure and very aware that i am idle because of it

me: what? are you living life you like you've failed?

her: pretty much

me: just adjust your outlook, your expectations of self. I went through the exact same thing you're going through 9-10 years ago.
Life rarely goes according to plan. change plans

her: :|

me: easier said than done I know
you just gotta drop your younger and now less valid expectations of yourself
realize what you CAN do instead of what you CAN'T. seriously, when I was 23-24.. woah, that's like 10 years ago now... man I am OLD. I felt like such a loser. going nowhere
always looking at my failures

me: I am NOWHERE I thought I would be when I was 18-22
but I adjusted

me: just because you can't find the path you were on previously doesn't mean you're lost


So I had to swallow another pill of mine today.  How can I dispense advice not take some of it myself?  I despise hypocrisy so I am going to try my best to find a new path; give up searching for the old one.  Even though the old one may have been the yellow brick road, maybe it wasn't meant for my feet.  I am sure that now more than ever, I am  meant to walk the tough and uphill road.  Every time I think I find a road that will take me where I want to go, I get thrown off it and land hard on my ass.  But life's a journey right?  I just gotta get up, dust myself off, put my feet on that rough and rocky path and force my tired legs to walk. But that will just make my feet tougher, make my legs stronger, so that when the next obstacle comes, it'll be that much easier to overcome.

Thanks for showing up at the right time today, you've made my day better and my own medicine a little bit easier to swallow.

"It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." - Abraham Maslow

After a While

I was sent this poem a long time ago, perhaps 12 years ago now.  I haven't read it in a while, but it holds a dear place in my heart not for the person who sent it to me, but for the meaning it has to me now.  When I first read this over a dozen years ago, I was very young and overly optimistic.  I thought that love conquered all, that all you need is love.  Every few years since then I've revisited these words, and I've been able to soak up a little more of it's solemn wisdom every time.  With every good-bye, whether I've said them or someone has said it to me, I've learned.

After a While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

- Veronica A. Shoffstall

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Joke!

A store that sells husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous , Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

"A whore is a girl who sleeps with everyone... a bitch is a girl who sleeps with everyone but you" - Anonymous

Run for the Cure 2009

After an absence of 2 years from the Run, I've decided it was time I contributed again by rejoining. If you wish to provide donations, you may do so online at https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/p.asp?t=3490676&l=1

Or better yet, if you live in the Edmonton area, you can join my team "My Legs Hurt" and participate in the Run yourself!

If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment and I will reply.

I haven't been running in a while, so my goal is just to finish. I'm not going to run competitively this year.

"Do not let what you can't do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden

Conflict of Interest Part 2

I suggest you read Part I first before proceeding.


"So what does my body language say now?"

Scott turned around to see Jan leaned up against the door frame with her arm up and her hip thrust out to one side.

"With poses like that, I always told you should be a model," he paused, "or at least a porn star."

Jan's fist met Scott's shoulder in such a hurry that Scott actually winced in pain.

"I see your kickboxing lessons are paying dividends," he said, rubbing his shoulder, "anyway, let's get going, we're late enough as it is."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It wasn't the first time he caught himself gazing at her, and it wasn't the first time she caught him either. But every time she did, she just smiled and slowly turned away, her eyes trailing behind, leaving one last glimpse for Scott to steal.

"Want me to introduce you to her? That's Claire. I've known her for years." And without waiting for a response Jan coolly walked over to the girl who was at the bar, and proceeded to strike up a conversation. Scott watched with an interested smirk at first which quickly turned into slightly curious bewilderment when Jan pointed at him and the two girls laughed. He quickly approached the girls in a self-attempted rescue.

"You know, it's not polite to point..." he began.

Jan quickly interjected, "See, he's not as funny looking up close."

"No, you're right," the other girl offered, "maybe I need to see him from further away again to make a fully informed decision."

Scott stood there, dumbfounded, with a look on his face that didn't at all betray his total lack of knowing what to do next. Jan then lifted her arm in the air, pointed down to the ground and swirled a mini 360 with her finger. Scott looked at Jan, then at the girl and they both gave a slight nod. He took that as a queue to turn around and walk as if he was runway model, doing his best model strut down an imaginary catwalk.

"OOoooo and a nice ass too," the girl cooed and both her and Jan laughed. Scott began to turn around and say something, but then the a song began to play in the room adjacent to them. Jan grabbed the girl's arm and started towards the dance floor.

"I love this song," she yelled as she linked Scott in her other arm and dragged them both towards the music.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So yup, there's part 2. I think I'm going to start writing more again, at least, I hope inspiration hits often enough to allow me to start writing more again.

"Sometimes when people forgive you, it is more about themselves than it is about you" - Teal'c, from Stargate SG-1

Tears of the Clown

Sometimes, those who laugh the loudest, are the ones who are hurting inside the most.

A young man goes to see his doctor. He is overcome by a terrible sadness and doesn't think anything will make him feel better. The doctor says, "Why not do something happy, like going to see Grimaldi the clown?". The young man answers, with a knowing look, "Ah, but Doctor", he says, "I am Grimaldi."

"Knowing what you don't want can be as important as knowing what you do want." - Sunrise Seeker

Try This at Home Kids!

Make a fist with your left hand. Put your thumb inside your fist and squeeze tightly. Take your finger on your right hand and stick it as far down your throat as possible. You have now realized you have no gag reflex.

"Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% admitted to reading the Bible."

Absolution

I've recently gotten in touch with someone from my past... actually that's not entirely true. Someone from my past actually took time and effort to get in touch with me, and I am glad she did. One of the reasons being that something in my past that I didn't even think would ever come up again, let alone needed sorting out, surfaced. At the bottom of Sorry, I said that I intentionally hurt someone and that she deserved it. Well, this person found me, and she came back into town and we had lunch. We hadn't talked in about 10 years, and she asked me why we lost touch. She seemed genuine, and she told me she forgot why we ever grew apart. At the time, I lied and told her I forgot too. Anyway, she went back home and we corresponded here and there through the 'net. I wrestled with over the next few weeks whether or not I should have told her that it was because of me that our friendship ended, or just lie and insisted that I forgot as well. I decided that a friendship based on lies, even though it might have been a white one, was wrong. I have to live by my own words, "The right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do." Like any healthy relationship, a solid friendship needs a solid foundation. I reasoned that if I told her truth and we could still be friends after, that would speak volumes about her current character and what type of person she had become. And if she never wanted to talk to me again, that would have been well within her right and I would have understood that too. Well, I bit the bullet and let her know the truth, having no idea how she would react. I expected the worst, but she gave me the best. She knew that she hurt my friends, but didn't know how deep she had cut them. I made the same types of mistakes when I was young. Through the ignorance of youth, and not fully realizing the consequences of actions, we both had hurt people. Growing older has allowed her to see what she did was indeed wrong, and in admission, apologized for her actions. I could do no less than accept the apology and return one of my own for intentionally hurting her. How could I not, having made the same types mistakes she did? I've paid for my mistakes, and she has as well. The catharsis was welcome, for both of us, and now we remain friends.

"There is nothing in a caterpliiar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." - R. Buckminster Fuller