Being Afraid to Need Someone

Letting yourself go enough to need someone can be pretty tough for someone who is very independent. I guess for some people it can be a hard thing: caring enough about someone to let them in, open up the gates to your garden and let them walk around freely. Sometimes it can be the fear of depending on them to be in your garden, your vault, so that it doesn't feel as empty that can prevent you from opening up. Let's face it, the secret area we keep locked, once we let someone in, they become a part of it. The thing is, unlike the other treasures in your garden, that person is a thing you can't control. You didn't put it there, which means that they're not a permanent fixture. That means that maybe someday, they may not want to be in there anymore. That's a thought that scares all of us. Keeping the door locked to your vault for too long may also mean that the other person may not want to step inside anymore. Being afraid to need someone can be a tough thing for both people. Another thing about opening yourself up is being vulnerable. I mentioned in the last entry that caring about someone sometimes can mean putting your heart in their hands. Well, when you open up the door, the person stepping through may destroy the fortunes you have locked inside, and that's cause enough for some people to be very reluctant and keep that door locked tight. On the flipside of that same coin though, that person may become the most valued treasure in there. It's always a risk opening up yes, but isn't a lifetime of happiness worth a moment of heartache?

Being single for a long time, and then starting a relationship is tough. You have your own world, your own time, your own things to do. I understand that it's tough to give up things that matter to you. You are a strong person by yourself. It can be a battle at times to step off your firm ground onto a surface that is shaky. Patience, undestanding and of course, communication are the things which can help the venture off terra firma an easier one to take.

"Love is like a mountain, hard to climb, but once you get to the top the view is beautiful." - Daniel Monroe Tuttle

Love...Actually...Maybe?

A very tough thing about letting yourself go enough to really care about someone, and eventually falling in love, is we expect reciprocation. Yes, they say true love doesn't need reciprocation, but I'm talking about the act of falling for someone. What I'm trying to say is that falling for someone means putting your heart into their hands, and that can be a frightening prospect. I think being in love with someone means that your happiness ultimately depends on the other person's happiness. That's a scary thing no? This also reinforces the idea that true love doesn't need reciprocation; all you need is for the other person to be happy. But of course for a fruitful and healthy relationship, the return of love is definitely on top of the checklist of must haves.

"Love isn't blind; it just only sees what matters." - William Curry

Raison d'etre

Someone wrote to me:

i know alot of people must say they relate to your writing. its not exactly relating for me, it was more like realizing. it's well known that being heartbroken is a universal feeling, mostly everyone will feel it one time or another...but honestly when you are in it, you feel like you are the only person in the world who feels that specific way

This is a reason why my blog exists. One of my friends a while back commented in my CBox and asked why I keep this piece of cyberspace alive, why I haven't slayed the demons for good and moved on. I told him that this *is* part of my moving on process, and that if my experiences help at least one other person out there, then it's reason enough to keep it. It's not like I dwell on my past and keep reliving it though, I've moved on.

"Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana

The quote is a little dramatic I realize for the scope of this blog, but that doesn't diminish the reason for its existence. Here I am, spewing forth my mental Jabberwocky (please pardon me, Mr. Carroll for using the title to your awesome poem so liberally), hoping that others out there can get there own meaning, that (like the above quoted person said, when you're drowning in your own pool of pain and misery... well, misery loves company), you are definitely not alone. Knowing that someone else out there knows (or knew) exactly how you feel can help ease the pain. I'm just glad that my little contribution to cyberspace is actually a useful one, well at least to some.

Monday Morning Quickie

Here's a quickie, someone famous probably already said this, but I just thought of this and thought I'd write it down.

Being in love isn't about being able to spend the rest of your life with the other person, it's about not being able to live your life without them.

The Importance of Thank You

I think it's always nice to say a little thank you when some does something nice for you. Yes, it may be that it wasn't out of their way what they did to help out, or it may have been even part of their job. But I was doing a little thinking (a little, HA!) the other day and I think sometimes it's important to say thank you (a real thank you) when someone is just doing their job. In order to continue with this, I'm going to take you with me on a tangent.

My brother often does things for me that are out of his way. I do thank him of course. But I got to thinking. "Do I need to verbally thank him? He should know that I am always appreciative when he does something for me." But then my thoughts rolled on and I got to thinking that when you stop saying thanks to someone for doing something for you, even though you actually are thankful, they may start to feel that what they are doing for you is expected. I'm sure that people would rather do things because they want to, and not because it's expected. That's what we call being taken for granted. Now every time my family or anyone else does something for me that is out of their way, I will call them again to say thank you even after I thanked them when the incident originally occurred.

Now back to my original point. Yes, the person is just doing their job, so why say thanks to them? Not only is it polite, but it may also get them out of the "'I'm just doing my job, I'm just doing what's expected" mentality. I'm not talking about saying the "just polite, not looking in the eye thank you." But actually look them in the eye, nod, and say thanks. If they catch it, I'm sure they'll be happier and who knows, maybe they'll actually enjoy being at work more and start performing better? Who doesn't like being appreciated? And all it may take, is a little thank you.

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." - Albert Einstein

Doing the Best They Can

Taking the next step.

I'm starting to come to grips on how my family raised me. People say to me "They raised you the best they could." But I often ask myself if that was really the case. I think that's why I have such a difficult time forgiving them. I have trouble believing that they did try their hardest to raise me, tried their hardest to love me, to show me right from wrong. I have tried, tried hard to look for examples where they went out of their way to show me they loved me. Instead all I find are instances where they felt obligated or else when it didn't cost them any time or energy.

So I guess the next step for me in the forgiveness of my family is moving past the idea they didn't raise me the best they could, and if I can forgive them for that. I already have forgiven them for a lot in the past, and as we are getting older we have been growing much closer. But this last step in forgiveness I think is the final one, and like almost all last steps, it's going to be the hardest.

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" - The Wizard of Oz

I Blog, Therefore I Am

My blog exists for a couple of reasons. I originally started this because I like to think that I have some thought provoking ideas, and that I would like to share those ideas with others. There are two main reasons for my ambition to share. One is that I hope to perhaps invoke thought in others, to start a chain reaction of thinking, to maybe open a new door or turn on a new light bulb in other's heads. Another reason is for debate. I like it (and appreciate it) when others comment and critique what I have to say. I would like someone else to turn on a new bulb inside my psyche. By expressing myself in this medium, I hope that people out there ingest what I write, swirl it around in their minds, digest the meaning, and perhaps excrete something that I have totally never thought of. I hope to expand minds out there, and in return, have mine grow as well.

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

Love Sometimes Means Letting Them Fall

One of the toughest things about a parent, mentor, or even a friend is letting someone you care about make their own mistakes. It's a necessary part of growth sometimes. As much as we never want to see the ones we care about get hurt, as much as we want to shield them from pain, those two things (hurt and pain) I believe are an important part of the growing and developing process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your kids about drugs or not stopping them from doing blatantly dangerous and wrong things like playing with guns or let discrimination go unchecked. There are some mistakes that should NEVER be made. I'm talking about life's lessons, lessons about love, faith, careers, friendship. Listening to them and education is at times, is all you can do. But even then sometimes the ones you love don't want to listen. And as much as you want to force them down what you think is the correct path, to steer them clear of danger, sometimes that force will lead them to resent you, and even rebel against you. To love someone is to set them free to walk their own path, and when they do stumble, when they do fall and get hurt, be there to bandage the wound, kiss it better, and help them back up to walk again. Sheltering someone you love may make you feel safe, but is your piece of mind worth their lack of freedom and a chance of learning a life lesson?

"I will keep faith when yours is gone, I will keep hope when you need to carry on." - Sunrise Seeker