I Blog, Therefore I Am

My blog exists for a couple of reasons. I originally started this because I like to think that I have some thought provoking ideas, and that I would like to share those ideas with others. There are two main reasons for my ambition to share. One is that I hope to perhaps invoke thought in others, to start a chain reaction of thinking, to maybe open a new door or turn on a new light bulb in other's heads. Another reason is for debate. I like it (and appreciate it) when others comment and critique what I have to say. I would like someone else to turn on a new bulb inside my psyche. By expressing myself in this medium, I hope that people out there ingest what I write, swirl it around in their minds, digest the meaning, and perhaps excrete something that I have totally never thought of. I hope to expand minds out there, and in return, have mine grow as well.

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

Love Sometimes Means Letting Them Fall

One of the toughest things about a parent, mentor, or even a friend is letting someone you care about make their own mistakes. It's a necessary part of growth sometimes. As much as we never want to see the ones we care about get hurt, as much as we want to shield them from pain, those two things (hurt and pain) I believe are an important part of the growing and developing process. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your kids about drugs or not stopping them from doing blatantly dangerous and wrong things like playing with guns or let discrimination go unchecked. There are some mistakes that should NEVER be made. I'm talking about life's lessons, lessons about love, faith, careers, friendship. Listening to them and education is at times, is all you can do. But even then sometimes the ones you love don't want to listen. And as much as you want to force them down what you think is the correct path, to steer them clear of danger, sometimes that force will lead them to resent you, and even rebel against you. To love someone is to set them free to walk their own path, and when they do stumble, when they do fall and get hurt, be there to bandage the wound, kiss it better, and help them back up to walk again. Sheltering someone you love may make you feel safe, but is your piece of mind worth their lack of freedom and a chance of learning a life lesson?

"I will keep faith when yours is gone, I will keep hope when you need to carry on." - Sunrise Seeker

The Dangers of Default Emotions

I have a confession to make. In my younger years I often claimed to be a victim because it was easier to place blame on something besides myself. It was easier than admitting I was wrong, easier to blame circumstance, or the other person when I clearly had a share of wrong-doing. I'm getting better at that now, at pointing the finger at myself when things don't go my way. This leads me to the main point of this entry.

Is it possible that we have lived with fear, anger, or sadness for so long that it becomes comfortable to us? Is it conceivable that we can use the emotion as a pillow, as a fallback? Is it also supposable that that emotion becomes so overriding, so ingrained in our psyche, that it drowns out other emotions and becomes a default emotion/reaction? The answer of course is yes. I believe that it is completely in the realm of possibility that a person has soaked themselves in so much fear, hate, anger or victimization that they need that feel that emotion in order for their world to seem "right". It is definitely unhealthy for these people to hold on to that default emotion. This can also be true for more "positive" emotions. Always seeing the world with rose-colored glasses is an example that comes to mind. So how do you get someone to take of those glasses, or get someone to not always think that they are the victim? I wish I had an answer, or at least one that's within the scope of this blog.

"The past should be remembered, not relived." - Unknown

Life's Little Victories

I've tried hard recently to overcome my fears in the recent past. Not the major demons that still haunt me, but defeating even the little ones deserves some recognition no?

About a year ago, a group of us went to visit a friend in Calgary. She lived on the 4th floor and had a balcony that extended the entire floor. In the morning, while everyone was still getting ready to go out, I decided it would be a good time to use the balcony to try and get over my fear of heights. My friend came out to find me, and seeing me standing on the corner, snapped a few pics without me knowing, this being one of them:

I stood on that ledge for 15-20 minutes, swallowing all the butterflies, trying not to let my weak knees or trembling limbs be the reason I lost my balance and experience freefall for a few brief seconds. Did it work? I'm not sure. I know that aversion therapy takes more than one session. But every time the breeze behind me picked up even a little, causing my body to sway away from the safety of the concrete behind me, causing the nausea and dizziness to grow, I fought every instinct to step back towards my safe haven, and instead to continue, to endure overlooking the ledge although my brain screamed at every muscle in me being to move back.

Bare with me here, I am about to jump to another related anecdote.

Came back from a snowboarding trip last weekend, and conquered another one of my fears. I love jumps, grabbing air, or at least I did when I skied (I skied for 11 years before I took up riding 4 years ago). However, my riding skills aren't that spectacular. This last trip, the snow was rather shitty, so my friend and I spent most of our time in the terrain park, trying to improve our jumps. Well, it was the last run of the day and I was approaching the jump with considerably high velocity. But instead of slowing down like I usually would out of fear of serious injury, I said "fuck it, let's do this shit" and grabbed the biggest air ever in my life; even managed to perform a decent grab.



Yes, I'm pleased with myself. I am proud of the little internal victory I achieved. I faced a fear and beat it, and it feels good. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but try it, just something small. It may needn't be a huge fear, just do something that frightens you a little, something outside your comfort circle. Don't be discouraged if you don't succeed, learn from it, and don't do the same thing next time =). Endure, win life's little victories, it makes life worth living and much more fun and interesting.

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown

Letting Go of the Hate

I wrote this 5 years ago in a semi-private journal I had.

I'm more messed up than I thought I was... for those who don't know, my ex and I work at the same place. Well, not anymore, last night was her last shift... and as much as I hate that bitch, for some strange reason I can't explain... when I looked at her old locker, and saw the absence of her lock, I felt this queer empty feeling inside me, like I was going to miss her. And just as that feeling hit, I felt all disgusted with myself and thought "how the hell can I miss someone that's cheated on me twice and lied to me so many times?" But then during my next break, I found my eyes wandering towards the direction of her locker, and a small part of me wishes that the lock was still there.... sigh... I need WAAAAAAY more therapy than I originally thought.

One of my good friends (back then) wrote this as a reply:

I don't think you need therapy cause you feel like you miss your ex (when she left work) who cheated and lie to you so many times. I think it's actually quite normal. It makes you human and you should feel good about it 'cause no matter how much a person hurts you you still are able to find a teeny weeny bit of love and tenderness in your heart. Not very many people can do that ... most people just hold on to the hate. I don't think that's really smart cause when you have so much hate in your heart you have no room for love and that's a waste cause you never know who you might have loved. Just a thought.


I took my friend's advice to heart and I hope if there is someone else in a similar situation out there, that they listen to her too.

A Clean Slate

Ever wondered that if you lost your memory, if would you end up being the same person you were before? Would you still have the same political beliefs, same tastes, same likes and dislikes? Now I know that memory loss often only affects explicit memory, like facts, data, names, etc. Implicit memory such as habits, tendencies and preferences are often untouched. I guess I should narrow the scope of the question. If you knew you lost your memory, and if your old friends didn't tell you they were your friends, would you still make friends with them and obtain the same level of friendship as you had pre-memory loss? What about a person you used to have a crush on, or used to be in love with, or an ex? Would you be attracted to them again? Would you even try and pursue a relationship with them? I've often wanted to do that to myself, clean my memory for a couple of years and see if the life I live would be at all similar to the life I live now. Would I still be the slightly neurotic, thrill-seeking, pensive, poetic, over-analyzing, stubborn man I am today? Would I make the same decisions I made in the past?

If you met an old flame or crush, would you feel the same spark that attracted you to them in the first place? I think it'd be interesting if we could have an experiment like that, if everyone lost their memory for a year or so and had a chance to meet everyone that had an impact in their lives. Would we take the same, or at least, similar paths? It's almost too easy to say, "Well, yes of course we would, because who we are hasn't changed just because we lost our memory". But at the same time, you can't deny that sometimes the paths we choose can be limited at that specific time by circumstances. Certainly circumstances are different this second time around right? For example, what if you fell in love with someone, but couldn't pursue them because they're your best friend's ex? If everyone lost their memory, then their wouldn't be that stigma looming over your head (not like you would have remembered that there was one in the first place). But meeting that person again with a clean slate, it'd be interesting to find out where things would lead to after the initial conversation...

"In prosperity our friends know us, in adversity we know our friends." - John Trevor Collins

Happy Birthday!

I started this blog one year ago today. Yup, this collection of words has been my therapist for the past 365 days. How can I not acknowledge it's anniversary? I wonder how many of you have been here with me for this long? Thank you for traversing my thoughts with me, for wading through my insanity and putting in your 2 cents here and there.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown recently and something Kirsten Dunst's character said reflects almost exactly how I want my legacy to carry on.

"Hard to remember, but impossible to forget."

Future Days

Usually when I write a poem, it's either because I have built up emotions in me and I have to release them somehow, or because I receive a sudden burst of emotion which I must translate onto paper. Well, "Future Days" comes from the first reason.

Future Days

In future days, I walk alone
down a forgotten street.
Your memory drifts into my mind
And our eyes again do meet.

As I think of you and I, of us,
A smile I do possess.
As I recall your song, your braids, your deep vast seas,
Your fire, and your caress.

Sweet echoes from years ago
Stir my fire, it never died.
Frozen in time, my love, true love;
Buried deep, and locked inside.

Thy memory still is strong,
An old wound that never healed.
You're the fruit I could not reach,
Thy bounty remains unpeeled.

As my feelings set, reality rises
And my thoughts I do abandon.
I start to turn, all is void
And thus I cease to imagine.

Our eyes do part, you walk away;
My mind becomes a haze.
I resume to walk and wish and hope,
To see you in future days.

This poem came from my fractured psyche of the mid 90's. I was still playing around with emotion evoking imagery. The line "As my feelings set, reality rises", I was of course trying to induce the image of the sunset and sunrise, the dawn of a new day, time to stop dreaming and wake up, which the rest of the stanza suggests.

Poetry with Corner with Sunrise Seeker has now come to an end. We hope you've enjoyed your stay, please come back later for future episodes!

"Improvement cannot come if one is not willing to fail." - Unknown