House Cleaning

I've often been accused of clinging on to the past... and those accusations would be correct. I'm a memory pack rat, I love reminiscing. Only within the last year or two (and thanks to some good friends), I've begun to realize that the memories I keep are holding me back. Yup, I am a sentimental fool. I've kept chat logs from ICQ and MSN from as far back as the year 2000. I did a very tough thing today (well for me at least), I erased those logs, highlighted my Chat Logs folder and pushed the delete key... yup, ALL GONE!!! I've also taken down some pictures in my room, some very OLD pictures, erased other pictures and memoirs off my computer. It was very therapeutic. And no, they're not sitting in my Recycle Bin, ready for me to click on Recover. They're gone, truly gone, my Recycle Bin is empty. I figure that the important memories, they don't need to reside in some magnetic limbo, waiting for my hard drive to exceed it's lifespan and shuffle off it's mortal coil. The essential ones, will always remain a part of me. But just as significant, it was I who decided to rid myself of those memories, it was I who took control and not let some random act of mechanical failure decide when to let go. Now you might be thinking, "Who cares about some stupid chat logs." And if I heard you say that now, I would probably flash a small grin, and nod ever so gently, in silent agreement.

"Sometimes I guess there just ain't enough rocks." - Forrest Gump

The Struggles Within Part 2

As I've aged (like wine I hope, and not like vinegar) I've been fine tuning the balance between my Heart and Mind. I can be a very extreme person at times: I believe in doing something right or not bother doing it at all, which is as much a weakness as it is a strength in my opinion. When I was younger, my world was ruled by my heart, everything I did was an emotional response. True to my nature, when I tried to apply logic to my world, I overcompensated to the extreme, denying my heart a voice in decisions and as a result I would end up overthinking things and cause myself unneccesary stress and pain. What I didn't realize at the time was the important lesson of balance in life. As I got older, as I understood more of the world, as my eyes opened wider, I started seeing how the world is governed by balance. But more specifically, in my life, I work as hard as I play, I love as hard as I hate, and because I put so much effort into things I do, I usually either pass with flying colours or fail spectacularly. I often fear for people who I see do not live a balanced life, they either work too much, or play too much, or jump in and out of relationships, or focus too much on things outside their control. But just as disciplined I am, I can be just as crazy in the things I do. I like to think I know how to live life, how to enjoy life, it's the little things I give up for the greater good of my physical and emotional health. Balance and moderation are the keys to life.

"Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." - Another wonderful Demotivators quote.

The Struggles Within

I'm my own worst enemy. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? I am my own worst antagonist. Maybe it's not so bad? I make my life much more complex than necessary. But it's for my own good.

There are 2 different voices inside of me, often wanting 2 different things. I used to be a creature who followed his heart, but the consequences of that were often a painful life lesson. I learned the hard way to surround my passion in what I thought was the protective shell of logic. I went from one extreme to the other. Again, more pain followed and once more I was taught a precept in life: balance. Everything in this world is centres around balance. Yin must have it's Yang, Dark must try and drown out Light, Good must bring order to Evil... balance! For me, it's a balance of Heart vs. Mind. Quite often the 2 don't agree. But that's a good thing right? I've learned to battle my emotions with logic because neither the heart nor the mind individually knows what's best for you. I guess Freud would say something like "eeets yowrr Id versuss yowrr Superego". So my poor Ego has to suffer as it works overtime mediating the battles that occur in my consciousness. I have a very strong (and what some would call strange) sense of morals. My Superego is something that I myself wouldn't want to dissect. It seems like my hedonistic heart always wants the most amount of pleasure for the least amount of effort. I don't know the process of how I developed my rule, but it's my underlying basic rule of thumb "The right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do." Mind you, that's just a general rule for the important decisions in life. It's not like I'm some super strict maniac bent on denying myself pleasure. I love to have fun too! But I'm talking about the big things here, I don't like to sweat the little things. This post is getting a little long, I have more to say, but maybe we'll make this a 2 part series. =P

"The Universe doesn't keep score, to think so is naive." - Sunrise Seeker

Dream...

I had the strangest dream a few nights ago.

For some reason I faked my own death to get out of a marriage. I'm not sure who I was married to, but I know I lived in a large mansion. In fact, my service was held in the backyard because it was that big! In any case, I remember peeking out the window through the curtains and remember how happy I was seeing all the people I cared about there, but at the same time so sad because they were all very sad. And I remember feeling extra sad because I had lied to them. In any case, the dream goes on with me on some high speed chase, not sure the reason behind that, but I got into an accident and wound up in the hospital in critical condition. While lying there, fading in and out of consciousness, like a dream within a dream, she was there by my side, keeping watch. But when I woke up, I fully regained consciousness just in time to watch her walk off, with her fiance in tow. And this is her real life fiance, not just her fiance I conjured up in a dream.

All in all, I think it's a good dream. I think my subconscious has come to terms with the idea that she'll always be there in my life as someone close to me, but she is no longer (and yes I know, never was) mine. My conscious mind has already accepted that a while ago, but I guess when your subconscious agrees with your conscious mind, no matter how long the lag, it's never a bad thing.

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" - The Wizard of Oz

Recent Things on My To Do List:

• Win the lottery


• Invent device that will allow me to reach across the internet and smack people


• Develop anti-gravity


• Break the 1st law of thermodynamics


• Pick up some toothpaste and a new toothbrush

"Destiny - You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar

Sometimes You Can Make it On Your Own

Was having a chat with a friend yesterday over MSN. It started off about us talking about how we're both old and single, and led to this: ( in all it's unedited glory well except for the pretty colours):

[11:40:50 AM] eikachu©: it's like everything i do now is preparing for a single life
[11:41:02 AM] eikachu©: learning to just count on myself
[11:41:18 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: dependant before interdependance
[11:41:46 AM] eikachu©: but i know i like my dependence
[11:41:57 AM] eikachu©: and i don't know if i want to share my life
[11:42:18 AM] eikachu©: cause u know once u been single long enough...u develop ur own routines
[11:42:22 AM] eikachu©: and habits
[11:42:33 AM] eikachu©: and less tolerant to things
[11:42:54 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: but then you figure out who you are
[11:42:58 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: what you like, what you don't like
[11:43:10 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: that way, when you find someone, you won't want to change them
[11:43:32 AM] eikachu©: ur right...
[11:43:43 AM] eikachu©: i am figuring out who i am
[11:4:04 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: you shouldn't go into a relationship not knowing who you are
[11:44:11 AM] eikachu©: that is true
[11:44:15 AM] I love animals, they taste great!: because then if you find out who you are LATER when you're in a serious relationhsip....

It's ok when you're younger to get into relationships not knowing who you are. After all, it may help with the self-discovery process. However, I believe that if you have an oppurtunity to stand on your own two feet first without anyone helping you up, that's a much better time to start a relationship. That way, when you do find someone that catches your attention, they will be complimenting your life instead of supplementing your life. Well, that's how it should start anyway. I know well enough that sometimes, that someone you find, is that someone that completes you. But when it comes to matters of the heart, as well all know we bets are off. Anyway, this isn't a rule that should be followed to the letter. Some of the best relationships are found when you're lost and confused and you find someone that is your guiding light. But I think those are exceptions to the rule. Anyway, I'm just trying to say that if you know you need time to heal, if you know if you have issues to work out, if you know you have some home repairs to do... yah, you know what I'm trying to say.

"Loneliness - If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone, and yet you are alone. So very alone." - Quote from Demotivators

Swimming Through My Oceans

Just wanted to write a thank you the people who keep coming back to this mess called a blog and keep punishing yourselves by reading its contents. Thank you for bludgeoning through my thoughts, crawling through these words... I know I've been slacking recently, haven't been posting as much. But like I've said before, I can only write when inspired. I'm not one to bore you with the details of what I do day to day. Instead I bore you with what I think are thoughts I should put to writing. You guys deserve some sort of praise as most people wouldn't have made it past the first 3 sentences of this post. If you haven't yet noticed, I've added a cbox to my sidebar. Go ahead, spam away in there. Just remember I have the right to delete anything I find unfunny and uninformative, haha. Ok seriously, I'll just delete the shit that I find rude or of absolutely no value.

Ok, so you've made it this far. You are persistent aren't you? Here's you reward, a poem I wrote a looooong time ago for someone who was very dear to me:

Best Friends

Like the cool, refreshing summer rains,
I'll be there to ease your aches and pains.
Wipe away those bitter tears, I'm here to chase away your fears.
Like the bright and shining sun, I will be your number one.
There's never a need to run and hide,
For I will be there always, by your side.
Like a hard and protective shell,
I will shield you from this world's hell.
And our friendship shall ne'er grow cold,
For our friendship, high, I shall ever hold.
I know we'll be friends for life and after,
Sharing all our mem'ries and laughter.

And to my dearest friend I toast:
To our friendship evermore we drink,
In a sea of trouble we'll never drown,
For our friendship, is a ship that will never sink.

- Sunrise Seeker

"Friends pick us up when we fall, and if they cannot, they lie down beside us and listen for a while" - Anonymous

Keep Your Eye Off the Prize

Quite often people have a grand plan to do something but quite often never get around to it because they think that it's too far away so they never begin the journey. This has often come up in my life because people are asking me how to keep fit or lose weight. I tell them "Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first few small steps." Some people are too focused on the large goal to see the intermediate steps in between and get discouraged enough to not even take the steps. I know most of you already know this, but it begs reiteration: Larger goals are accomplished by setting smaller goals. Take the huge leap forward you want to make and break it down into smaller, "within sight, within reach", bunny hops. For example when I run 10K, I don't start the run by saying ok, "let's do this 10K!" I take a long run like that 1 kilometer at a time. Sometimes it's good to actually lose focus and just do something without thinking to much about it.

My quote for this entry is already in there. So yah, imma cheat this post and just say read the white bolded words in quotes.