Hidden Voice

Rest in Pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine

You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I am in your reach
You held me in your hands

- Saliva

"The only way to overcome temptation is to give in to it" - Oscar Wilde

In/Sanity

I went to a wedding just this past Sunday. On the front of the program was the theme "Today I marry my Best Friend". The couple was the perfect emobdiment of the phrase. It inspired me to make a short and impromptu toast to the bride and groom. In that toast, I used the quote "Love isn't one soul finding another, but half of one soul finding it's other half." I guess that the whole best friend/soul mate thing is exactly what I was talking about in my previous post. Marrying a best friend I think would be ideal. The toughest thing is, finding that someone, but then through some force of nature or fate or curse, losing them. I'm still in recovery, last Sunday taught me that, in one way or another.

"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." - May Sarton

Two Birds with One Blog

I wrote this as a comment on http://iknowpi.blogspot.com/.

It looks like you see the world in a different set of eyes than others do. I always have, since I was very young, and I knew I was different. A lot of times it was more of a burden than a blessing, as I realized (the hard way) that not everybody in this world is ready to change their perspective on life, or ready to try something new, or even ready to listen to what you have to say. I think that's why we're anti-social at times. We feel trapped by our own thoughts. I'm 29 now, and only 1 or 2 ppl on this earth truly know all of me, the real me. It is such a relief though to find someone else who you can communicate with, I mean truly talk to, without holding back or even "thinking" about what you're going to say before you say it; just being able to speak what's on your mind without wondering what they're going to think of you. I guess that's why we choose to blog, although it's a bit more refined than conversation, it allows us to speak our mind to whoever wants to listen, and hopefully, someone, will truly understand what we're trying to say.

I want that kind of freedom, that freedom of thought, freedom of not worrying about what the people I care about think of me. It's not like I live life not experessing myself, and it's not like I watch what I say all the time for fear of people disliking me. I've always had the mentality of "To know me is to love me, or perhaps to hate me. Anyway, here I am, take it or leave it." I am living my life so that the only people who can hurt me, and therefore who's opinions matter to me, are the ones I care about. And as expressive as I am, as open as I am, they still don't know all of who I am. My close friends know "enough" of me to know who the core "me" is, but I can only think of 2 people who know pretty much all the layers to this onion. I think that's why I've been single for so long. My friends say I'm picky, but really I'm not. I just want to find that chemistry with someone whom I can open the doors to my mind and let things fly freely. Where I can be as silly or as serious as I want to be and know that they are on the same page, even the same sentence as I am. I'm getting old, and my clock is ticking, but I won't, I CAN'T SETTLE, for anything less.

I then wrote this as a response to something else that person wrote (edited for clarity and spelling):

Some people cannot see too far outside their own skin, cannot even see far enough inside themselves to truly see what is going on in there. We live in a society where it seems like it is more important to drive an Escalade or wear Burberry than it is to discover why we have emptiness inside us. Instead people try to fill up the void with material goods. But like I've said in earlier entries, that's not the correct way of doing things. You need to put out the fire by attacking the base, and not just by spraying at the flames. What they don't realize is that the void will just keep sucking things up and remain a void. You need to analyze why it is there in the first place and not just try to fill it with material things.

2 birds down, a few hundred more to go...

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." - Henry David Thoreau

Ready, But Unwilling

Why is it that even though I can plainly see the trap, I still venture towards it? Perhaps it's the reward on the other side should I make it past the trap that is so luring? But what if that reward itself is just an illusion, an illusion that leads me back to what I've been trying to avoid? The blurring of the outcomes is causing me to not move at all. I hate this, hate being stuck in a moment. I still don't know how you got so close after I tried so hard not to let you in. Like an addict that wants to quit but just can't, the taste of the high still fresh... I want to quit, GOD DAMN it I want to, but the high is so good, so right...

I need sleep...

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Yah I've been on hiatus for the last little while... I've run out of thoughts, feelings and words. 2 recent events have drained what's left of my will. Someone ran a red light 2 weeks ago and smashed my car. My company went on strike, and I am in the middle because I don't like the union I am in (but I have no choice but to be a member of) and the company the union is striking against has done some pretty dumb things. I don't want to cross the picket line but at the same time funds are running low. And I am not going to picket because I do not believe in the cause. But yah, 2005 continues to try and kill me (everywhich way besides physically). Sometimes I wish that it would just finish the job. My friends keep saying, "don't worry, that just means next year will be better!". You know, I've learned that life just doesn't work that way. You can't win 'em all, but you sure can lose 'em all. It's not like I'm a quitter, but how many times can you get back up after being smacked down so many times in a row? I know, I know, victory is getting up one more time then you fall down. I can't remember which great person said that, but sometimes you should stay down for the whole 10 count instead of getting back up and getting the shit kicked out of you right? Now before you say a quitter never wins, I gotta say that it takes a smart person to know when to quit. Hey, wait, I feel inspiration coming on...

Objects in Mirror are Deader Than They Appear

Out of breath
Out of words
I scream
but I don't want to be heard.

Out of pain.
Out of tears.
I'm numb,
worn down from the years.

Out of strength.
Out of spirit.
I can't anymore,
just grin and bear it.

Out of soul.
Out of mind.
Life's cruel,
but I'll try and stay kind.

- Sunrise Seeker

Yup, that just came off the top of head in about 10 minutes. The title? I may look alive, but sometimes having a pulse and breath doesn't make me feel alive.

"Whatever doesn't kill you postpones the inevitable." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar.

Chrysalis

It feels good to get over someone. To not feel that pain when someone mentions their name. To know it not only in your head, but in your heart that you are NOT going to be together. The process of building that shell around your heart, to block out the pain so you can heal, then to finally crack that shell so that the new you can breathe again, is a rewarding process. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel that I am definitely making progress. With each passing day I am closer to the top of this deep hole. I'm blindly climbing my way to the top. I'm happy that each step of the way I have friends who willing to help boost me, even a little bit helps. Thanks for the support everyone. I just hope I don't have a relapse...

This quote is one that summarizes my friendship with my close friends:

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker

Darkness in the Light.

I did a 10K run today. It was a run to support cancer research. I've never done a real 10K run before. I mean, I've ran 10K, but not in a race setting. My goal entering the race was to finish in under 50 minutes. Mission accomplished! I finished in 48:26. I know I can actually finish it faster since I paced myself wrong. Maybe around 45 minutes or so. I'm quite proud of myself.

Now on a different, but related subject.

These little accomplishments of mine seem like only half victories to me. Without anyone one in my life to share them with, after the moment passes, after the adrenaline fades, after the rush is gone, I look around, alone in a crowd; the successes in my life seem hollow. Now I know what some of you are going to say, something along the lines of "you should be happy by yourself", "you should love yourself first before you can love anyone else". Yes, I realize that. But this isn't really about that. This is about wanting someone there to share my joys, my laughter, my proud moments, along with my sadness, my tears, and my not so proud moments with me. I afraid to say that at this moment, that that someone is still her. I really wish it wasn't. In my head, at least, I wish it really wasn't... but alas my heart is the greatest antogonist to my sanity. UGGGHHH, I dunno. Maybe I've just attended too many weddings in the last 2 years (5 last year and 5 this year, and at LEAST 2 more next year) and have heard too many toasts to the newlyweds by too many BestMen and Maids of Honour.

I'm scared. And with each passing year, the fear grows: I don't want to die alone.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis

There Will Come a Time

There will come a time,
when I won't miss you so much;
there will come a time,
when I won't need to feel your touch.

There will be a time
that when I hear you speak,
my hands won't tremble so
and my knees won't be this weak.

The day will come I know,
when I'll be back to content.
That day will come I hope,
when I won't think we're meant

to be with one another,
and that it wasn't fate
which introduced us to each other
that unforgettable date.

There will come one morning,
when I wake up in my bed,
I look forward to that morning,
when the first thought in my head

is not of how I think
that we're two halves of a one.
I've got to stop believing
that without you I'm undone.

For that time will come
when my heart is not confined,
and that day will come
when you're no longer on my mind.

- Sunrise Seeker