Gone, But Not Forgotten

Yah I've been on hiatus for the last little while... I've run out of thoughts, feelings and words. 2 recent events have drained what's left of my will. Someone ran a red light 2 weeks ago and smashed my car. My company went on strike, and I am in the middle because I don't like the union I am in (but I have no choice but to be a member of) and the company the union is striking against has done some pretty dumb things. I don't want to cross the picket line but at the same time funds are running low. And I am not going to picket because I do not believe in the cause. But yah, 2005 continues to try and kill me (everywhich way besides physically). Sometimes I wish that it would just finish the job. My friends keep saying, "don't worry, that just means next year will be better!". You know, I've learned that life just doesn't work that way. You can't win 'em all, but you sure can lose 'em all. It's not like I'm a quitter, but how many times can you get back up after being smacked down so many times in a row? I know, I know, victory is getting up one more time then you fall down. I can't remember which great person said that, but sometimes you should stay down for the whole 10 count instead of getting back up and getting the shit kicked out of you right? Now before you say a quitter never wins, I gotta say that it takes a smart person to know when to quit. Hey, wait, I feel inspiration coming on...

Objects in Mirror are Deader Than They Appear

Out of breath
Out of words
I scream
but I don't want to be heard.

Out of pain.
Out of tears.
I'm numb,
worn down from the years.

Out of strength.
Out of spirit.
I can't anymore,
just grin and bear it.

Out of soul.
Out of mind.
Life's cruel,
but I'll try and stay kind.

- Sunrise Seeker

Yup, that just came off the top of head in about 10 minutes. The title? I may look alive, but sometimes having a pulse and breath doesn't make me feel alive.

"Whatever doesn't kill you postpones the inevitable." - Quote from Demotivators Calendar.

Chrysalis

It feels good to get over someone. To not feel that pain when someone mentions their name. To know it not only in your head, but in your heart that you are NOT going to be together. The process of building that shell around your heart, to block out the pain so you can heal, then to finally crack that shell so that the new you can breathe again, is a rewarding process. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel that I am definitely making progress. With each passing day I am closer to the top of this deep hole. I'm blindly climbing my way to the top. I'm happy that each step of the way I have friends who willing to help boost me, even a little bit helps. Thanks for the support everyone. I just hope I don't have a relapse...

This quote is one that summarizes my friendship with my close friends:

"I may not be there all the time, but I will be there when you need me most." - SunriseSeeker

Darkness in the Light.

I did a 10K run today. It was a run to support cancer research. I've never done a real 10K run before. I mean, I've ran 10K, but not in a race setting. My goal entering the race was to finish in under 50 minutes. Mission accomplished! I finished in 48:26. I know I can actually finish it faster since I paced myself wrong. Maybe around 45 minutes or so. I'm quite proud of myself.

Now on a different, but related subject.

These little accomplishments of mine seem like only half victories to me. Without anyone one in my life to share them with, after the moment passes, after the adrenaline fades, after the rush is gone, I look around, alone in a crowd; the successes in my life seem hollow. Now I know what some of you are going to say, something along the lines of "you should be happy by yourself", "you should love yourself first before you can love anyone else". Yes, I realize that. But this isn't really about that. This is about wanting someone there to share my joys, my laughter, my proud moments, along with my sadness, my tears, and my not so proud moments with me. I afraid to say that at this moment, that that someone is still her. I really wish it wasn't. In my head, at least, I wish it really wasn't... but alas my heart is the greatest antogonist to my sanity. UGGGHHH, I dunno. Maybe I've just attended too many weddings in the last 2 years (5 last year and 5 this year, and at LEAST 2 more next year) and have heard too many toasts to the newlyweds by too many BestMen and Maids of Honour.

I'm scared. And with each passing year, the fear grows: I don't want to die alone.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis

There Will Come a Time

There will come a time,
when I won't miss you so much;
there will come a time,
when I won't need to feel your touch.

There will be a time
that when I hear you speak,
my hands won't tremble so
and my knees won't be this weak.

The day will come I know,
when I'll be back to content.
That day will come I hope,
when I won't think we're meant

to be with one another,
and that it wasn't fate
which introduced us to each other
that unforgettable date.

There will come one morning,
when I wake up in my bed,
I look forward to that morning,
when the first thought in my head

is not of how I think
that we're two halves of a one.
I've got to stop believing
that without you I'm undone.

For that time will come
when my heart is not confined,
and that day will come
when you're no longer on my mind.

- Sunrise Seeker

What They Don't Know CAN Hurt Them

I've been reading over my blog, and I almost sound like a self-help book. I dislike self-help books because all they do is tell you what you already know, or should be common sense. But at the same time people need self-help books because sometimes they need a good smack in the head to get them to listen to what should be common sense. Anyway, on with the show.

Today's blog entry is all about one word.

Communication.

Yep that's it: sea oh em em you en eye sea ay tee eye oh en. Communication.

Why would I devote an ENTIRE entry on one word? Because I think the failure of it in a relationship = the failure of the relationship. People change, and if the relationship is to keep up with the people, then it needs to change too. I had this whole essay planned out for this entry, but I'm sure none of you need examples of miscommunication, of how LISTENING is not the same as HEARING, and of how UNDERSTANDING is not the same as LISTENING. I've learned through experience, that just because you think you are understanding what the other person is saying, it doesn't make it so. It could be that they aren't using the correct words to convey their ideas, or that your interpretation of their words is not the same as theirs. When I have an argument with someone, I try and make sure that we're on the same page. It can be just as simple as saying "When you said this, I took it to mean this, is that right?".

The other part to communication is speaking your mind when something troubles you. You are being unfair to the other person if you are getting upset at them for doing something and not letting them know how it makes you feel. Yes, you read me right, YOU, UNFAIR. Now, if you told them what's up and they keep hurting you, then totally it's their fault. But if you don't let them know how their actions make you feel, YOU are the one in the wrong. That goes the same for when they do something that you really makes you happy and you don't let them know. I hate seeing couples break up because they grow apart because they don't discuss how the other's actions makes them feel. How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them. The classic "Well I'm not going to tell you you don't know what you did wrong?" is just plain ludicrous (it may seem rational when you're in the heat of the moment saying it, but it's not right, trust me, I've been there, it's NOT right). Remember, most feelings are emotions caused by actions. You can't suppress the feelings and hope they'll go away, you need to tackle the feelings from the source. Yes, that's right, you need to confront the actions that cause them. Remember, you put out the fire by attacking the base, not by spraying the top.

P.S. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about blatantly wrong things like cheating or stealing. At the same time, what may seem obviously wrong and hurtful to you may be not be to the other person. So TALK IT OUT PEOPLE!

"Judge others, and be yourself judged, by others." - SunriseSeeker

P.P.S Thanks to my friends who wished me a happy birthday yesterday.

Ready for Love

It's not easy, getting up after you've been beat to a bloody pulp. And it's pretty frickin' scary when you get put in the position where you got beat up the first time. It's certainly understandable why some people are scared to get into a relationship after being severely hurt. I don't mean the types who are not ready because they're getting over someone, or because they just aren't ready to settle. I mean those who genuinely have nothing holding them back except the fear of getting hurt again. I personally have had the shit kicked out of me (figuratively of course) more times than I care to admit. And trust me, I know it ain't easy to crawl your way from the bottom of that pit of hurt, that hole where you just wanna lock yourself in and shut everything else out. The thing is, the first step towards the exit from that void are steps you have to take yourself. Sure, friends and others who care about you are reaching into the hole as deep as they can, trying to help you out. But more often than not, you're in so deep that you're beyond their grasp. YOU yourself have to start climbing out, take the first few steps towards their helping hands. I know I'm not the first to give this advice, but it should be reiterated. Why be afraid to love? What's the worst that can happen? You get hurt. But wounds heal, even the deep ones you get from a broken heart. Now on the flipside, you could meet the love of your life. Isn't a temporary thing like a broken heart worth the risk of meeting someone whom you can spend the rest of your life with?

P.S. The title of this entry shares it's name with a wicked song from India Aire. I suggest you try and find it and listen to it.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Faith

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

The Wachowski Brothers took my thoughts and put it into a sentence which perfectly defines faith (or hope). That quote is from the Architect's speech in Matrix Reloaded. Without faith, humans would have nothing to live for. Our drive in life is based on achieving our desires and dreams. This is where religion comes in. I absolutely HATE discussing religion and God. I myself am an atheist. I believe that religion is for people who fail to believe in the power of themselves, who need their faith channeled into something more tangible. But please don't write in my blog your view of religion, this is MY blog and I can cry if I want to, you can't! Anyway, back on topic. Faith and hope can make people do amazing things. So how can something that gives us so much strength also be such a weakness? It can cause people do see things that aren't really there. Who wants to believe that their greatest desires and dreams aren't achievable? Who wants to be told that their raison d'être is out of reach? It's quite the paradox huh? That's why a person who's had their faith "shaken" can feel so lost. Without a goal to strive for, without a thing to hope for, with nothing to base their faith on, life can seem pretty empty and pointless. I encourage you to take an inventory of what your "faiths" are, even the little "hopes" you have. Give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, because without it, it can be pretty frickin' dark in there.

"One must desire something to be alive." - Margaret Deland

Rebound? Not Always.

Is it wrong to meet someone new to help you get over someone else? I'm not talking about rebounds here. For those who are in touch enough with their inner selves, I think you can actually develop a healthy loving relationship with someone while trying to get over someone else. The only problem is, is that most of us while hurt, still think emotionally instead of logically. What I mean by this is that you have to sit down and think, "If I met this person at another time in my life, would I still find them fascinating and attractive enough to pursue a relationship with them?" I think that it's possible to answer that question with yes, and not by lying to yourself that you're over the first person and start burying the feelings you have for them. Admit to yourself that you still have attachments to the first person, but I think that's ok as long as you genuinely want to get over them. If you genuinely can see yourself with this new person, and not use them to get over your past, but instead can see a real future with them, is going forward with a possible relationship really that bad? It may be a dangerous proposition though, and to make a potentially flammable situation even more explosive, you'll have to let this new person know you're still are trying to get over someone. Morally, I think if the other person is willing to gamble with their heart, the least you can do is let them know the deck they are playing with. They have the right to know, right? Remember, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do. It's the best way to start a relationship anyway, to be open and honest. If the other person still sticks around and is still willing, then you know that they're a keeper.

"Men are blessed with 2 heads to think with but cursed with only enough blood to use one at a time." - Anonymous