Faith

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

The Wachowski Brothers took my thoughts and put it into a sentence which perfectly defines faith (or hope). That quote is from the Architect's speech in Matrix Reloaded. Without faith, humans would have nothing to live for. Our drive in life is based on achieving our desires and dreams. This is where religion comes in. I absolutely HATE discussing religion and God. I myself am an atheist. I believe that religion is for people who fail to believe in the power of themselves, who need their faith channeled into something more tangible. But please don't write in my blog your view of religion, this is MY blog and I can cry if I want to, you can't! Anyway, back on topic. Faith and hope can make people do amazing things. So how can something that gives us so much strength also be such a weakness? It can cause people do see things that aren't really there. Who wants to believe that their greatest desires and dreams aren't achievable? Who wants to be told that their raison d'être is out of reach? It's quite the paradox huh? That's why a person who's had their faith "shaken" can feel so lost. Without a goal to strive for, without a thing to hope for, with nothing to base their faith on, life can seem pretty empty and pointless. I encourage you to take an inventory of what your "faiths" are, even the little "hopes" you have. Give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, because without it, it can be pretty frickin' dark in there.

"One must desire something to be alive." - Margaret Deland

Rebound? Not Always.

Is it wrong to meet someone new to help you get over someone else? I'm not talking about rebounds here. For those who are in touch enough with their inner selves, I think you can actually develop a healthy loving relationship with someone while trying to get over someone else. The only problem is, is that most of us while hurt, still think emotionally instead of logically. What I mean by this is that you have to sit down and think, "If I met this person at another time in my life, would I still find them fascinating and attractive enough to pursue a relationship with them?" I think that it's possible to answer that question with yes, and not by lying to yourself that you're over the first person and start burying the feelings you have for them. Admit to yourself that you still have attachments to the first person, but I think that's ok as long as you genuinely want to get over them. If you genuinely can see yourself with this new person, and not use them to get over your past, but instead can see a real future with them, is going forward with a possible relationship really that bad? It may be a dangerous proposition though, and to make a potentially flammable situation even more explosive, you'll have to let this new person know you're still are trying to get over someone. Morally, I think if the other person is willing to gamble with their heart, the least you can do is let them know the deck they are playing with. They have the right to know, right? Remember, the right thing to do is most often the hardest thing to do. It's the best way to start a relationship anyway, to be open and honest. If the other person still sticks around and is still willing, then you know that they're a keeper.

"Men are blessed with 2 heads to think with but cursed with only enough blood to use one at a time." - Anonymous

Too Late? Too Soon?

The title is a great song by one of my favorite singers, Jon Secada. What ever happened to him anyway?

As for it's never to late to say the things we want to say... yes, sometimes it is, and other times, it's too early. Timing is an aspect of life that seems to elude me. I just know that right now, I'm not ready for hello, and I'm not ready for goodbye.

What if...?

That has got to be one of life's worst questions. That's why I had to do what I did recently: I let "Her" know everything. My feelings, my poems, my blog, everything. It took some time, and talking to another friend who was extremely helpful, but I now realize that because of circumstances, I am not going to get the answer I want. Bad timing is my curse. Now begins the painful process of distancing and recovery. Some people have questioned whether or not I did the right thing in telling Her how I felt although (I thought) she had a boyfriend at the time. Sometimes the wrong thing must be done for the right reason. I needed closure, I needed to stop the bleeding, even though it meant chopping off an infected limb. I admit it, it was a selfish act, but for my own god forsaken sanity it needed to be done. What was I hoping for, telling her? i'm not sure, it's not like I wanted her to drop everything in her life and answer "I want to be with you." It's not like I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend and run into my arms. I just needed to lay everything out on the table so that there would NOT be the question "what if...?". I've burned too many hours and too many tears on "what if's" in the past. Although many more hours and tears have and will pass by this time, at least it will be for a recovery process and not in asking that brooding, dreadful question.

To those that read this, if you take anything away with you from reading my words, let it be this. It may embarass you, it may humble you, heck, it may even hurt you to the point where you want to shut yourself in a hole for months, but do it, do the things you're scared of doing, because one thing you CANNOT do in life is go back in the past to resolve issues, you CANNOT move on while there are lingering questions, you CANNOT get closure if you can ask "what if...?". After you crawl out of the hole, at least you can live with "at least I tried" which is a million times better than "what if...?". Trust me on this one.

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever does kill you, well, pretty much makes you dead." - Anonymous

Fun at 4am

It felt good to flirt with the cutie at the poker table last night. People have told me that I have a tendency to flirt a bit. The thing is, I usually don't do it intentionally. Those who really know me well understand that I just like to have fun, and enjoy myself more when others around me have fun. But last night, I deliberately flirted with this girl (I don't even know her name, let's just call her Girl) because, well, she WAS hella cute and probabaly also because I was feeling down. Flirting is a two way street of course and she reciprocated in kind. There were glances exchanged, comments bantered about. It also really helped my self-confidence. I rarely ever flirt at the level that I did with Girl, it's usually just more playful conversation. What was the difference between my normal friendly flirting and the occurrence last night? It was definitely body language and exchange of glances, but the coup de grace was the smiling. Oh yes, Girl had a really nice smile and I'm such a sucker for a nice smile. She was flashing that weapon all night. Anyway, it was a nice confidence and morale boost, and god knows I need it. Now for the record, I almost never flirt the way I do unless I'm really interested in that person. But lately I've been taking a beating emotionally, and I needed something to help me recover. I'm sure she had a great time too and no one got hurt, so it's all good, right?

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

- U2

"A true friend stabs you in the front" - Unknown

mrrrgggfffftttththh.

ARGH! What's even more frustrating than lack of inspiration is when you get it, but all the stuff that comes out is utter CRAP. I was trying to continue Conflict of Interest and I had about an hours worth of work done, but I had to scrap it all because it was just SHIT. I've tried to force myself to continue writing, but it seems like everything I spew out is some random string of syntactically correct english devoid of any real semantics.

While I'm here, I might as well tell you that this morning I hit my hit REALLY hard on an over hanging sign when I was walking to my building from the parkade. Some guy saw me and asked if I was ok, I said "Yah, I think so, at least I'm more awake now." I just rubbed my head again to make sure, yup there's a definite bump there.

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - A deep thought, by Jack Handy

Straight From the Heart

Inspiration hit this morning...

Can't Let Go

The flood gates are now open,
it's quite beyond control,
I'm cracked, but I'm not broken,
uncertain of my goal.

I cannot close this door,
there is no lock or key.
You've shown me I can be more,
than alone, I could ever be.

In darkness, I can't see,
but I'm guided by your light.
Hoping, you will catch me
from falling in mid-flight.

Before you came along
I sang alone just fine,
but I have heard our duet song,
And now solo, I can't shine.

These feelings are accidental,
I never meant this to be.
But this can't be coincidental,
I can feel, this is destiny:

For I've tried to fight and failed,
to oust you from my heart.
And since our paths have crossed,
everytime we part,

I open my mouth to say speak,
But I look into your eyes,
All I can say is "Until next time".
I cannot say goodbye.

-Sunrise Seeker

"If we let the dream die then what was the use in waking up?" - Martin
Luther King Jr.