Too Late? Too Soon?

The title is a great song by one of my favorite singers, Jon Secada. What ever happened to him anyway?

As for it's never to late to say the things we want to say... yes, sometimes it is, and other times, it's too early. Timing is an aspect of life that seems to elude me. I just know that right now, I'm not ready for hello, and I'm not ready for goodbye.

What if...?

That has got to be one of life's worst questions. That's why I had to do what I did recently: I let "Her" know everything. My feelings, my poems, my blog, everything. It took some time, and talking to another friend who was extremely helpful, but I now realize that because of circumstances, I am not going to get the answer I want. Bad timing is my curse. Now begins the painful process of distancing and recovery. Some people have questioned whether or not I did the right thing in telling Her how I felt although (I thought) she had a boyfriend at the time. Sometimes the wrong thing must be done for the right reason. I needed closure, I needed to stop the bleeding, even though it meant chopping off an infected limb. I admit it, it was a selfish act, but for my own god forsaken sanity it needed to be done. What was I hoping for, telling her? i'm not sure, it's not like I wanted her to drop everything in her life and answer "I want to be with you." It's not like I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend and run into my arms. I just needed to lay everything out on the table so that there would NOT be the question "what if...?". I've burned too many hours and too many tears on "what if's" in the past. Although many more hours and tears have and will pass by this time, at least it will be for a recovery process and not in asking that brooding, dreadful question.

To those that read this, if you take anything away with you from reading my words, let it be this. It may embarass you, it may humble you, heck, it may even hurt you to the point where you want to shut yourself in a hole for months, but do it, do the things you're scared of doing, because one thing you CANNOT do in life is go back in the past to resolve issues, you CANNOT move on while there are lingering questions, you CANNOT get closure if you can ask "what if...?". After you crawl out of the hole, at least you can live with "at least I tried" which is a million times better than "what if...?". Trust me on this one.

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever does kill you, well, pretty much makes you dead." - Anonymous

Fun at 4am

It felt good to flirt with the cutie at the poker table last night. People have told me that I have a tendency to flirt a bit. The thing is, I usually don't do it intentionally. Those who really know me well understand that I just like to have fun, and enjoy myself more when others around me have fun. But last night, I deliberately flirted with this girl (I don't even know her name, let's just call her Girl) because, well, she WAS hella cute and probabaly also because I was feeling down. Flirting is a two way street of course and she reciprocated in kind. There were glances exchanged, comments bantered about. It also really helped my self-confidence. I rarely ever flirt at the level that I did with Girl, it's usually just more playful conversation. What was the difference between my normal friendly flirting and the occurrence last night? It was definitely body language and exchange of glances, but the coup de grace was the smiling. Oh yes, Girl had a really nice smile and I'm such a sucker for a nice smile. She was flashing that weapon all night. Anyway, it was a nice confidence and morale boost, and god knows I need it. Now for the record, I almost never flirt the way I do unless I'm really interested in that person. But lately I've been taking a beating emotionally, and I needed something to help me recover. I'm sure she had a great time too and no one got hurt, so it's all good, right?

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

- U2

"A true friend stabs you in the front" - Unknown

mrrrgggfffftttththh.

ARGH! What's even more frustrating than lack of inspiration is when you get it, but all the stuff that comes out is utter CRAP. I was trying to continue Conflict of Interest and I had about an hours worth of work done, but I had to scrap it all because it was just SHIT. I've tried to force myself to continue writing, but it seems like everything I spew out is some random string of syntactically correct english devoid of any real semantics.

While I'm here, I might as well tell you that this morning I hit my hit REALLY hard on an over hanging sign when I was walking to my building from the parkade. Some guy saw me and asked if I was ok, I said "Yah, I think so, at least I'm more awake now." I just rubbed my head again to make sure, yup there's a definite bump there.

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - A deep thought, by Jack Handy

Straight From the Heart

Inspiration hit this morning...

Can't Let Go

The flood gates are now open,
it's quite beyond control,
I'm cracked, but I'm not broken,
uncertain of my goal.

I cannot close this door,
there is no lock or key.
You've shown me I can be more,
than alone, I could ever be.

In darkness, I can't see,
but I'm guided by your light.
Hoping, you will catch me
from falling in mid-flight.

Before you came along
I sang alone just fine,
but I have heard our duet song,
And now solo, I can't shine.

These feelings are accidental,
I never meant this to be.
But this can't be coincidental,
I can feel, this is destiny:

For I've tried to fight and failed,
to oust you from my heart.
And since our paths have crossed,
everytime we part,

I open my mouth to say speak,
But I look into your eyes,
All I can say is "Until next time".
I cannot say goodbye.

-Sunrise Seeker

"If we let the dream die then what was the use in waking up?" - Martin
Luther King Jr.

Payment Due

Do you feel like you owe your parents for raising you? I have a friend who used to work at his parent's bakery, and when another friend jokingly asked how much he got paid he answered that he's the one who still owes his parents because they raised him. That got me thinking. Although my parents officially divorced when I was 14 or so, they had been separated for so long that my dad wasn't around much to "raise" me. As for my mom, although she brought the groceries and paid the utilities, did she really raise me? Do I really owe my mom? You see, I was quite emotionally abused by my mother, older brother, and older sister when I was growing up. I had no role models growing up, no one to look up to. Wait, that's not true either. My grandpa was a very positive role model, and I think that's where I get my profound sense of right and wrong from. Anyway, back to my immediate family, the only thing they taught me was how NOT to treat someone and how to endure constant verbal and emotional abuse. Although they cooked for me, clothed me, and put a roof over my head, do I really owe them? In fact, a huge part of who I am and was growing up, was because I wanted to be someone exactly the opposite of my mom, dad, brother and sister. Sometimes I'm amazed at the way I turned out considering the lack of family values I had and my circle of friends when I was younger. I'm pretty sure that had I taken a couple of different turns on the path I've walked, I would be at a much different place right now. So to my own question I guess this is the answer: my family may have provided me with the material fodder I needed growing up, but none of the emotional sustenance. I raised myself. The only person I owe is my grandpa, may he rest in peace, and it is in his memory that I try to do the things I do to make this world a better place.

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." - Wendy, age 8

Numb

It's not being alone in itself that is so frustrating. It's when you find that someone, that someone who makes you feel whole... It's not that you didn't feel whole before, but you just never knew how much more you could be until that person became a part of your life. That person who quickens your heart, shortens your breath, moistens your palms, who brings you to life; makes you alive in a way you've never known possible. But then you discover that they can't be there by your side, that you can't achieve the heights that you knew you could because they're not flying with you. That's what hurts, that's what is frustrating, that's what makes you feel even more... alone.

How did you force your way in here? You were uninvited.

You're the best of me, and also the worst.

I want to understand your words, and your silences.

I must rely on the strength within,
to survive through this pain.
to overcome the hurt,
seek the sunrise again,
to walk through this desert.

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." - Harry Truman