Free...

I'm not sure if it's because I was too tired, but I think I may have overcome the ghost that haunts me. I don't still feel the same fire when I am with you, the same feeling of a waking dream when I look into your eyes as we conversate over nothing too important, yet what seems to be the most important topic at hand. I guess only future repetition of being in your company will tell.

I have often wanted to tell you how I feel. So badly, like an infection that I am dying to get rid of and saying to you what I've kept hidden for so long is the only cure. But now, that infection is going away on its own. This reminds me of that series of episodes of Friends where Rachel discovers how Ross feels about her for the first time, but when she meets him at the airport, he is wrapped in some other woman's arms. Later, she leaves a drunken message on Ross' answering machine telling him that she is "over him". Ross, hearing this message, says one of my favorite quotes ever:

"Over me? When were you under me?"

Cats and Dogs

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

I was reading another blog, well it wasn't a blog, it was a user page on a community website, anyway, this girl had the most interesting thing to say, and I couldn't have said it better myself. (Copied with her permission)

what's the deal with girls that can't get along with someone
that isn't male? they claim that girls (in general) are stupid, untrustworthy,
or hard to get along with... what they don't understand is that PEOPLE (in
general) are stupid and untrustworthy and I apologize, but you can't get along
with girls by flirting with them. so let's stop making excuses for your
inability to make friends with people that don't have cocks.

It says what I've always believed in. Next time you hear a girl say that they can't get along with other girls, notice what kinda "person" she is, you'll notice a pattern...I know I have.

Another quote that I made when I was a youngin:

"Good things come to those who wait. Good things pass you by if you wait too long." - SunriseSeeker

A Little Window into Me

This is one of the deepest and "truest" things said about me.

"...(he) has a truly poetic soul."

I've never been described like that before, and it actually came as quite a pleasant surprise. I've been told by a few others that readers easily empathize with my words, that my writings often evoke great imagery and emotion. I believe that this is one of the best compliments a writer can receive. But to be told that I have a poetic soul, that takes the cake. It's more than just describes my writings, it describes how I see things, how I think, how I express myself. The notion of a soul indicates something more than mere brain power, that I am more than the sum of my neurons, synapses and electrochemical transmitters. I believe a "poetic soul" describes the passion I have for certain things, a passion to see what's underneath the surface or what lies beyond the unfathomable.

Maybe one day when I'm hard up on something to post on this blog, I'll put up a poem or a short story I've written.

Today's quote comes from one of my favorite poems:

"Do not go gentle into that goodnight. Rage rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas

Compartmentalizing Emotion

I've become kinda scared lately, at how well I can suppress emotion and use such a logical and factual light to see things. I'm a type of person who tries so hard not to be something that I can go overboard in the opposite direction. I believe the best way to analyze feeling and emotion is to step back and take a look and the underlying causes of the emotion and not to tackle the emotions head on. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to just clear the emotion but not the root of the issue. You can't put out a fire by just spraying the top of the flames, you gotta hit the base of the inferno. Back to my first sentence, I guess I've become so good at that type of analysis, at pushing emotion away, to see the "base of the fire", that I'm scared I may be numb to emotion. It's VERY hard for me to open up to someone, to let them in my door, to let them thumb through the pages of my life, to tell them the stories that make me who I am. Over the past 3 years, I've only allowed 2 people in my secret garden, only to have them take a brisk walk through and not only pluck at the few flowers I have growing, but not plant any flowers of their own. But then again, that's not fair, I never asked them to help plant my garden. But it would have been nice, yanno? I guess that's not totally the truth either, one I don't talk to much anymore, but the other I still maintain as a close friend. So I guess she's still helping me tend my garden. But I'm scared that as I compartmentalize my emotions of her more, that I am starting to slowly and irreversibly close my doors. How do you cut yourself off of such deep feelings for someone and still maintain a deep platonic friendship? That's one I still haven't figured out yet.

This quote, is one that I thought of when I was 15:

"Courage isn't about being unafraid, it's about being afraid and facing
your fears anyway." - SunriseSeeker

Random thoughts on a Wednsday night

When does compromising for a relationship start becoming compromising one's self? And what do you do about it?

Does self-discovery = evolution of one's self, or is it a revolution? Does every question have an answer? As we grow older, do you find your tastes (meaning things you enjoy doing, things you tolerate) being more open? Or do you find your tastes becoming more narrow and refined?

Blah, sometimes, I do feel like closing myself off in a nutshell and calling myself king of infinite space.

Today's quote:

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." - Mr.
Garrison

2005 > Me

The year 2005 so far is making me it's bitch. The last 2 months have been one of the worst starts to a year I have ever had. It started with my heart getting broken, then my car's alternator died. But before it went kaput, I guess it had a little talk with the clutch because shortly thereafter, the clutch opts to take a vacation and never coming back. Then my digicam bites the dust, it powers on, but then nothing happens then it just powers off. I take it into Future Shop cause I have the 3 year extended warranty on it. I wait 5 weeks for it. Then I get a call that the damage is NOT COVERED. So now I have a nice camera shaped paperweight. Just as I thought things were going to settle down, just last night my monitor decides it's had enough of me and no amount of begging or coaxing from me well make it display an image.

Thanks 2005, you're my new worst enemy.

Today's entry brought to you by:

"I was down on my luck and feeling low when someone said to me
'Cheer up, things could get worse.' So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse."

To the Ears of Babes

A very good friend re-introduced me to a passage in the Velveteen Rabbit that I just find amazing. I always knew children's books held messages, life's lessons, etc. But until reading this excerpt again this much later in life, I'm pretty sure I never grasped the deeper meaning until now.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

So to those who know me and whom I can't be ugly to, to those who understand me, thank you for taking the time to make me Real.

Your quote for today is:

Finagle's Law - "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately
explained by stupidity."

On Judgement

This entry is taken from a private blog I used to have.

This came up in interesting conversation I had with someone:

Me:I like to surprise ppl. What I REALLY like doing, is breaking stereotypes and biases.

Her:So do I...

Me:yeah, actually, I see as kind of a personal battle against the world.

Her:hehe

Me:Even though I admit that I do have stereotypes and biases, I TRY not to base my judgements or first impressions of ppl on them. And I want to try and teach the world that (or less ambitiously, teach the ppl I meet that)

Her:I know I judge people, but everyone does... I am so used to being judged though, that I learned to be more careful

Me:I don't care if ppl judge me, in fact, I welcome it. BUT!!! the thing is, I want them to base their judgements on FACTS, and NOT what they assume or hear about me. It's fine to judge me after they KNOW me. Then if you hate me or like me, as long as you have a good reason to, then I don't mind. People always say it's bad to be judgemental. I think the exact opposite... AS LONG AS you base your judgement on facts and NOT just hearsay, assumptions and biases.

Her:I try not to judge people, but it always happens... you cannot stop it.It is a natural reaction.

Me:yes, but then you take your natural reaction, and train yourself to push it aside so that you don't base a permanent judgement on that natural reaction.

Wouldn't this world be a better place if people ACTUALLY based judgements of others on facts instead of just biases and stereotypes? I'm not just talking about racial biases and stereotypes. I also mean people who hear things about you and judge you before they even get a chance to know you. Or else people who've "seen you around" and form an opinion about you. I know it's natural to form an opinion. But what we all SHOULD do, is to NOT let that UNINFORMED opinion cement in our heads. This goes for first impressions too. One of my pet peeves is how people think they know another person, or form a "definite" opinion of that person, based on a first meeting. First off, what if that person is having a bad day, or is feeling goofy that day, or is feeling a tad ornery? See what I mean? What if for just that one moment you meet them, they are just a bit off from who they are? It happens. This even is true for the opposite condition, what if that person is feeling a bit extra nice, or is being fake when they meet you? Only over a series of meetings, will you see that they aren't always that nice. I mean, people can't be fake forever, true colours do shine through eventually. Secondly, personalities and psyches aren't developed in a moment, so how can you hope to decipher someone over a meeting or two? Like I said in my conversation, I see it as a personal battle to make try and make this world a better place, care to join me?

Today's Quote:

"At least you know what love is", someone said to me.

"Yeah, but to know what love is, I had to find out what pain is," I
replied.